Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Like that poster said, it’s really not that complicated.

*Tooearlytothink *

If it’s just a ‘practicality’ why are they going for a celebratory meal afterwards?

OP this is why your mum didn’t invite you, sorry but you’re insane. Leave her be, to her small ceromony.

Actually what they want is a hybrid.

Your DM has realised that you would be using her wedding day to provide photos for your social media page.
😉😁😁.

Personally I can totally understand their point of view. It’s not the preferred daughter, it’s the one closest to them. You’ve made that point when you mentioned your DMs hospital admission, how long you and your DS had to drive to get there, whilst the other daughter was only so far away.

My long term DP and I have realised we need to marry or enter a civil partnership in order to make things less complicated for the other when one of us croaks. Neither of us are in any way interested in the idea of any sort of celebratory/party type wedding, we just want to do the legal thing and get it over with. You HAVE to have two witnesses, you may as well pick the people it would least inconvenience. A meal after would seem the logical thing to do to thank them for giving up their time to assist you.

You are looking at this all wrong. They don’t view this as a celebration, just a practical necessity. Stop making it all about you.

I’m insane to question the person who said ‘go to the meal without one of your children because they aren’t 14’?

Is this opposites day?

that's what I couldn't understand and got told by another poster.. "because Op lives 300 miles away" 🤔

Is it a "celebratory" meal, or just a meal?

Not sure if this has already been asked/answered, but how does your sister feel about it? Is she as bothered as you?

You’re really showing us all why they don’t want you there tbh.

I want our wedding to be just the two of us but my partner wants his daughters, grandchildren and siblings there. Although I do want to marry him when he talks about us getting married I change the subject because the type of wedding we want is so different.

YANBU to feel hurt by this. It's their decision, and clearly it is just a piece of paper for them and not a special family occasion, but not being invited to your own mum's wedding would still feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

I am sure you are familiar with the concept that you can go out for a meal without taking all your children with you.

And, as you might have worked out for yourself, that you could suggest an alternative venue that did take under 14s if you were going to offer to pay for the meal.

@Candlemascandy im just posting again as I think you may not have seen my other post where I suggested you are a witness for your mum and your step sister is the witness for her dad.

So tell me, how does that work if it’s not that complicated?
Here’s the logistics -
We live 200 miles away
The restaurant they have chose. will not allow under 14s in
Two of my children are over 14. One under. Same for my sister.
Cant do there and back in a day, without it being a very long day.

If I accept the suggestion that I should attend, what are my options?

You would have been perfectly happy for the whole family to attend her wedding. Why would that have been less complicated?

Don’t go and let DM have the day she wants?

Just remember this next time she needs help.

Thanks. But that means choosing between me and my sister.
And from what an earlier poster said, they will have had to put the witnesses details on the forms already.

With my new step sister. Sounds cosy.

To be honest, I don’t have a choice since I’m not invited so

When I wrote my message I'd thought you were the only child. What is wrong with your mum that she can't just have both her daughters with her for her own wedding!

It's a meal in a pub, not four courses at La Gavroche.

His daughter is doing them a favour by coming along to the registry office to sign as a witness, they're thanking her by buying her lunch in a pub.

We witnessed wills for some friends who did the same - "thanks for that, our treat at the Duck and Drake for lunch!"

The more OP posts, the more I understnad why her mum doesn't want her (or her sister, presumably) there. OP's trying her damnedest to make this into an Occasion while her mum and partner are stippring it back to a bare bones legal contract. Which, after decades together, seems perfectly sensible to me.

Cards, champagne, photographs, a snazzy meal, nice outfits, gifts, whatever - all of it neither required nor wanted by the couple involved. @Candlemascandy if you respect your mum, accept her preference not to turn this into something significant.

I voted YANBU because you're upset with your mum for leaving you out of her wedding plans. It's a bit shit.

However, despite the 'YEAR' of planning - I mean that's a long time to sort out a register office - they are basically just taking a trip to a corporation office to sort out some legals.

I'd leave them to it and not acknowledge the marriage with a card or present or any comments at all. Just let it go. They don't appear to be bothered so no reason for you to be.