Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

I'd be upset by this. It's fine to say that the ceremony planned isn't like a big fussy wedding but more like a solicitor appointment, but why then are they having a meal out afterwards with just the husband's DD? If it's just completing some paperwork there's no need for a lunch/dinner out, because it's not an occasion, is it..?

Having a pared down wedding with minimum witnesses is fine. Having a pared down wedding with only the husband's family present and excluding the wife's is just not OK. Nothing OP can do about it but I'd feel a bit of resentment too, it seems such a snub doing it this way.

In the nicest way, while I think people have gone a bit over the top on the "I want" angle of this... I do think this post answers the question.

They don't want the fuss of you driving 3 hours, congratulating them, organising photos. They don't want a big deal. His daughter sounds quite detached - I would imagine they are presuming that she'll drive 20 minutes, sign a bit of a paper, have a meal and leave. It won't be a big deal, she doesn't care that much. Neither do your parents.

I can completely see why you do, and I don't think any of the things that you want are unreasonable, but it's not your event and you don't have much control, and I suspect they're worried that it'll turn into a bigger deal than they want.

The telling question here, though, seems to be - are YOU invited to the meal afterwards? I know you've said your children are not, but whether or not you'd go without them or have easy alternative childcare, were you personally invited?

it’s now been whittled down to a dour exchange of signatures

Oh, get over yourself. This isn't your wedding and you don't get to decide what's an appropriate way of conducting it or how much money they spend on it.

Those of you chatting about it being ‘just a piece of paper’ or ‘just a formal contract’ to the mum, can you explain why the mum is going out to dinner with her step child after?

I don’t go out for a meal after I go to the bank or sign a form and I doubt you do either.

YaNbu at all OP. They have made their choices here and I would be making it clear to them that the favoured children can care for them as their health deteriorates.

She would happily let me and my sister pay for everything. She organised her 80th last year and left us to pick up the bill.

the other DD is invited because she will respect the couples wishes, not want photo ops and won’t insist on dragging a bunch of grandkids along

Yes, certainly when we got married in 2012 our London register office was very clear that they no longer allowed their office staff to act as impromptu witnesses, because it wasted so much of everyone’s time, that they would not wait while you tried to bag someone off the street, and that the fire station next door took a very dim view of people coming in trying to get on-duty fireman as witnesses because they ‘were just waiting around’.

Your mother sounds horrible. She thinks that loudly proclaiming how low you are in her priorities is a parenting strategy...?

But that’s pretty normal, surely! My siblings and I paid for our dad’s 80th birthday party!

I would be more concerned that the Wills are sorted so there is no survivor leaving everything to their own dc, whether it is your or the other side.

My friend's sister did something similar to her mother, got married to a long term partner during their lunch hour for tax purposes, told their boys and the boys let it slip when she was baby sitting for them. This woman had given up her job, her retirement and her social life to move to the other end of the country to look after the children and was must hurt by this decision by them. They did not seek to be cruel but that was the effect. I know how this affected her from the conversations we had at the time... no one took them aside to say, just think about the ripples this will cause to those who love you.

Have you had the conversation with them to say, actually, you might not wish to go all out but we would like to celebrate bringing a new member to our family, whether it be for practicality or love. We would not expect you to host us, but it is important to us and you are both important to us, too because we love you both.

You can’t change other people’s decisions. All you can do is use your new knowledge about their priorities to make your own decisions.
Keep supporting your mum, as it is the right thing to care for an elderly parent, but don’t expect this to be reciprocated.

That will be a tricky conversation to have considering her own mother doesn't want to include OP and her family in her wedding.

If mother is "horrible" why is Op so keen to attend her marriage.

That’s emotional blackmail. Respect their wishes it’s their choice.
If you don’t want to sort out their estate then don’t but don’t make this a battle.

i think she just doest want to pay for a party
if you pay i am sure she would like it
you orgnise a celebtration

It's clearly just a practicality for them so asking the DC that live closest makes sense. Respect what this is to them rather than applying your own meaning to it. You can chose to do that or chose to be upset.

It's not a happy event, it's a legal ceremony to sort out things like inheritance etc. The fact you want it to be "a happy event" is why she doesn't want you there.

It is not a Wedding in the social sense, it's the ceremony to guarantee various rights for their 30 year relationship.

The daughter who lives around the corner is invited so she can be the legally required witness and she brings no young chuildren. She is being thanked for doing this by being given a meal at a pub.

Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’.
Every time someone in our household is 'poorly' (pass/agg use of scare quotes, by the way) we stay well away from the parents. They are the same age as your mum and her partner. At their stage of life, catching whatever virus we could bring into their home is pretty risky. We've cancelled birthday celebrations and all sorts to protect them from colds and flu.
It's not because we don't care, it's because we do.

I'll repeat what I said upthread: they seem to want a marriage not a wedding. No-one has the right to impose a wedding on them. Leave them be.

Ah yes. ‘So DCs under 14…your older siblings and cousins, me your dad and your aunt and uncle have all been invited to granny’s wedding meal. Now you know it’s a three hour drive away, so we will all be gone overnight and you get to stay here because they chose a restaurant that you’re not allowed in.’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

*ZebedeeDougalFlorence *

That poster is commenting on a different poster’s experience. Maybe work on your comprehension?

And yet all you would achieve by this supposed declaration of love is communicating ‘I’m not listening to what you want’.

This was a response to another poster, not me