Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

@Candlemascandy
no, not the wedding
A party to celebrate

Spot on @MoonWoman69

If her mum isn't interested in having her at the wedding as it's just for legal matters, doesn't want her and family at the meal, why would she want op to throw a party to celebrate her unimportant wedding?

This makes sense to me.

Thank you @WoolySnail 💐

They have been together for 30 years, this is a formality and tbh I'm amazed they are thinking this hard about it and delaying it, I'd have nipped down the registry office as soon as I thought of it and moved on.
Totally understandable to me they don't want to pay for a big family meal, but have none of you offered to take them out for a meal (and pay) to celebrate? Or do you only want to go if its free?

Is that how it’s supposed to work then? Someone in your family decides to get married and you have to pay for the party?

if you want to, @Candlemascandy
you can celebrate, you can go and take the happy couple out for a meal.
why ever not?

Yep, they should have done it last year when they realised. But they have been putting it off, trying to decide where to do it. Some places were too ugly, some too restrictive in their time slots, then she couldn’t find her birth certificate etc etc. there’s always something.
And I thought it was the tradition for you to invite guests to the wedding, not ask them to pay for it. I didn’t ask her to pay at my wedding. Plus she’s happy to pay for his daughter and son to eat out. Why are me and my sister different?

Look, you live 200 miles away, the people she’s close to are the people she’s physically close to.

This is entirely possible that he said ‘let’s not waste money’ and she’s agreed. They live a parsimonious life. I still don’t get the inviting some but not all though.

op @Candlemascandy instead of spending a day on here putting across your point of view,
speak to your dm

I understand why you feel hurt, I would feel very hurt as well.
💐

THANK YOU!
Thank you for reading and listening and understanding how I’ve got to where I am. ❤️

Of course you must do what seems right to you OP, but to someone completely uninvolved, taking any action or harbouring any bad feeling about this situation both look equally pointless. Your mum is doing it her way. I wouldn't think of offering a party or a present or putting up a photo or doing anything else to mark the occasion, because the couple concerned don't want it marked. They've randomly chosen the groom's child as a witness rather than you, and the four of them are going out to lunch afterwards. Big deal!
Their choice probably means nothing in terms of how much they love and value you. Just let it go and be glad your mum is still here, relatively healthy, sorting out her affairs and very much knowing her own mind!!

Both my parents did the same so I sympathise OP. My dad married his South African girlfriend about 10 years ago and only told us after the event (also told us he’d converted to Islam at the same time! 🙄) then about 6 years ago, my mum married her long term partner. I was hurt too but they insisted on no family at all - none of her children or his children. Instead, they invited two neighbours to be witnesses. Their reasoning was that his children weren’t delighted about the second wedding so it was easier just not to invite all of us. We were super hurt, especially when she sent photos of the day but there wasn’t much we could do. I think you can bring it up once with your mum but if she doesn’t change her mind, you will have to drop it. Good luck

This is possibly one of the more useless comments that comes up on Mumsnet threads. If people where able to talk and sort things out irl they wouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet if they are being unreasonable.

@Holdonforsummer that sounds awful for you. Both parents. Bloody hell. 😥

ok so your relationship with your mother is bad. This “wedding “ is just the cake topper on a shit relationship. What do you expect us to say? This is not a problem to be solved its an awful experience to be grieved. But the wedding is almost beside the point. Because the relationship between you snd your mother seems to have died long before its funeral—this wedding.

Brilliant!

Have you thought of being a therapist?

Um presumably things were ok between them a few months ago when her mum was in hospital and OP went to visit and helped her stepfather out? She wasn’t exactly turned away or told not to come. They aren’t estranged.

She's clearly changed her mind from last year, OP.

Maybe her recent pneumonia was a factor, maybe she got kind of swept up with planning it with you and then felt it was becoming a bit much, maybe the meal for 14 rather than 4 was a factor. Maybe, and I'm basing it on my MIL's recent changes of mind - she just cannot be arsed with it.

They've asked people local to them. The most obvious local people are his daughter and her bloke, from down the road. That's all.
It's not choosing his daughter over you and your sister, it's not judging you unworthy, it's not diminishing you in any way unless you want to see it that way. It's a practical choice.

What's been judged as insignificant and not worthy is the event itself. No flowers, no photographer, not fancy outfits and reception, no pretty venue.

I'm sorry your time last year was wasted. I'm really sorry you are hurt by her and her partner's decisions. But the point I and many others have been trying to make is that you don't need to be. There was no slight intended to you. They just downgraded to a quick civil ceremony.

The more you push to come, they less they are likely to want it because that makes it into A Whole Thing, rather than a quite (tedious) contract. Which they have decided against.

Despite a bigger picture being painted the longer the thread has gone on I still think you are not being unreasonable to be hurt. In fact it must hurt like blazes.

@Weepixie yeah it does. Thanks for seeing that.