Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

of course I don't agree with your mum, but I respect her view and perspective.

I also understand why you are upset.

OP do you really genuinely not understand why your Mum just wants this to be a small affair? My Mum is a similar age and she gets massively stressed at occasions. It’s not personal. If you lived alone and locally, I’m sure you’d be invited too. But the combination of a long journey, and multiple people, turns it from a tiny little legal ceremony to a big party. And at her age, with her health, she doesn’t want that.

It sounds like it's just a box checking exercise for legal/financial reasons, it doesn't sound like it's a big deal to her so maybe you're reading too much into it.

I don’t know if you’ve read the whole thread, but she is going for a meal afterwards with her partner’s daughter and husband.
Some people see this as a routine thing to do, others see it as a celebration. Given that my mum only eats out once a year, if that, I’d say she’s making a special effort. So it’s not just signing a bit of paper.

Do you still think this even after reading the OP's post from 14:34? Where she talks about how actually, it was looking like a life event that mum wanted to make a big deal about?

Or are you going to ignore that as much as you ignore the fact that one child of half the couple is invited to celebrate but the children of the other half of the couple isn't, thereby kind of negating the whole "there is no life event"?

If that was what she wanted, she could have done this a year ago when I flagged it to her that she should get married. Not wasted time looking at churches and barns and licensed venues.
And even if it was just that she changed her mind and thought ‘I can’t be bothered with this’ I just want a plain ceremony and no fuss then invite neutral witnesses. Do it and don’t tell us. Run off to Gretna Green. Just don’t be spiteful about it.

Ask your mum why you’re not invited. Think of the savings and put this aside for something special later on.

This is kind of where I started. So everyone whom I speak to about my mum’s plans and that I’m not invited says ‘oh just think of the money and effort you’re saving’ and brushes it off. I’m finding it harder and harder to just laugh it off, since some are invited and we are not and that hurts.

Op, I'd put good money on it that had your post started with-

" My elderly mum hasn't been well and wants to get married to her long time partner. Its really only about their finances, and I'm not sure it's worth travelling all that way with the kids just to see them sign a bit of paper and go for dinner after "
You would have had your arse handed to you for not giving a shit about her day, not putting family first and that if you can't be arsed to be there not to expect an inheritance!!!

Absolutely!
Currently laughing and crying.

I'm wondering how old you are OP?
If your mum is 81 I'd assume you're at least mid 40s or older.

It seems 'old' to be getting yourself so worked up over this.

If I were your mum I'd be thinking that you didn't want to traipse 200 miles for a small registry office marriage. I'd already decided it wasn't going to include masses of grandkids and was a quiet 'do'.

I decided to ask my partner's daughter as a witness as she lived round the corner - and she is his daughter.

Now, if I were your mum I might ask if you wanted to come. But I'd stress it didn't include the grandkids. So it was up to you to decide if you wanted to.

My guess is that on balance your Mum has decided that it really isn't worth the effort for you. She's not considered your nose is out of joint because her partner's daughter is a witness.

All you can do is tell her how you feel.

And you know what- if you can't communicate with her to say this, it sounds as if your relationship isn't that close anyway. As a middle aged woman you ought to be able to talk this over, in an adult way.

She's not 45 and you're not 20.

You’d surely be more angry if she didn’t tell you.
Shes not being spiteful. She just wants a tiny legal event and a bite to eat afterwards. She doesn’t want a big party.
Of course you’re entitled to feel upset - you can have any emotion to want to - it’s your choice. But you seem determined to only see it from your own point of view, and not even try to see it from your Mum’s angle.

I feel for you op. Try and take the positives from this thread and forget the rest. You are allowed to feel how you feel and the fact that some other people don't feel that way until it happens to them is irrelevant ❤️💐😊

Er, yes - I still think the same having read OP's post from 14:34 - otherwise I wouldn't have written my post of 16:17!!

When my DS got married to her partner, she did something similar - a registry office with two witnesses. Those witnesses were local, from his family, not her (our) family. Geographical convenience. Their focus was on marriage, not a wedding - and I managed to avoid conniptions. After the weekday morning slot, they went to a nearby greasy spoon (with the two witnesses, his family) - I do t think it was a massive celebration.

I would pay that myself not to be one of the children who missed out.

But what is my mum’s angle? If it’s just a bit of paper, don’t play favourites.
Dont bother to tell me when it is.
And why waste my time last year on fanciful explorations of other types of wedding before deciding on one where others are invited? She’s not once said ‘this is what I want and why’ despite me asking her and saying we’d like to be there.

oh,
so you wont provide a meal for her then!
hmm - i give up

Confused. You think I won’t provide a meal for my mum at her wedding that I’m not invited to? Or was there a word missing?

i dont understand why that is a stretch?
seems logical to me but I have JUST read that op doesnt want to spend the money
<<shrugs>>

@Candlemascandy
i would suggest you organise a Get Together but it seems you dont want to put your hand in your pocket, and think your DM should ?

I don’t think you’ve got the gist of the thread right.

@Candlemascandy what is your mum's partner like? Did he rain on her wedding parade by chance?
Your comment that they accused you of only being interested in your inheritance was illuminating about his/their attitude to you.
You do need to speak directly and honestly with your mum. Ask her why the sudden change and why you are no longer invited. Tell her how surprised and hurt you are as you want to celebrate with her.
I'm wondering if there are more instances like this, preferences for his child over you and your sister? Issues of control?

Anyone can show up for the legal ceremony in England and Wales. It is an open event. Do you know when it is?

What, that my DM should pay for her own wedding? Why is that confusing?

@Candlemascandy

As per usual, people have jumped in, accusing you of being needy, unreasonable, making it "all about you" etc, without digesting the full post. This happens constantly on MN, the posters will latch on to any little titbit of the post they can, just to bring the OP down! It's not big and it's not clever.

My take on it is, that a year ago, you were included in the planning, it was actually going to be an event, of which you would have been a part. Then a year on, it's down to just being your mum, her partner and his daughter (who probably wasn't included in the original planning anyway!)
Fine, if having a no fuss wedding for financial reasons is what your mum eventually wanted to do, but to still have her partners daughter still involved and taking her for a meal is a proper sting in the tail.
Initially, your mum included you and she would have known it was no problem for you to travel and to me, the distance, taking in that fact alone, makes absolutely no odds at all!
I totally understand the way you feel. It's gone from an event, with you involved in the planning, to a non event, with you not even being invited to celebrate at the meal. The venue chosen was a further blocker to you.
Why the majority of people can't see why you'd be feeling left out and disappointed with all that, really does baffle me!
You're right OP, it would look desperate to beg to go to the meal, by saying you'd pay for yourself. That would be awkward all round.
I'm so sorry your mum isn't the sort of person you can approach with your disappointment over all this. I do think she should know how it's made you feel, but there's no point if you're just going to be brushed off.
I think you'll have to just wish them well and make peace with it all, for your own peace 💐