Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

No I haven’t. I’m not entirely sure why I should though? She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to spend any money on the wedding, so why should I? Plus the fact I couldn’t afford to. And they are not broke pensioners. They are choosing not to spend money for others to have a ‘nice time’. And by others, I mean their daughters and grandchildren.

Of course there is! her mum is getting married FGS! If that's not a life event, then I don't know what is!

I would be hurt and I would be telling your mum that. I would also point out it was you and your sister that rocked up when she was ill, not her stepdaughter, and yet stepdaughter has been invited and not you

I would offer to pay for all your family to go and ask them to change the venue so the grandkids can attend

if she won’t she won’t, but you have clearly made a case. I would then be looking at what support could be offered in the future if the same thing happened

Good point, our staff wouldn't be able to be witnesses now as we just don't have cover (lower levels of staffing and more people work from home). I wouldn't be surprised if a notice had gone round at some point saying we weren't allowed.

Just to let you know: the bill for the funeral comes from the estate. So you needn't worry about that

Just forget about it then OP. you've been given a million good suggestions here on what to do and have an answer for every one of them of why you won't do them so just leave it!

I know. I’ve been pondering this view. So my mum will now be Mrs Something Different, with a new next of kin. But that’s not a big life event? Or a big change? And legally I will have a step father? When my own father has been dead for 40 years? Nothing to see here.

YABU.
As I understand it, your Mum and her partner want a very quiet very small wedding, in fact barely a wedding at all, just a legal marriage. So all they need is 2 witnesses. They could choose a couple of local friends, but it makes more sense to choose someone who is local and related to them ie partner’s daughter, and her husband. They’re both elderly, one recovering from a recent serious illness, the other very deaf. They don’t want noise and fuss.

Meanwhile, you and your sister would add an extra 10 people, if you both brought your husbands and kids. That would totally change the dynamic. You’d need to stay over as it’s so far away. The kids would need to be catered for. The tiny legal event would turn into a party of 14.

If it was just you and your sister wanting to go, then that would be different I think. But bringing your families makes it something totally unlike what they actually want.

To be clear, I wasn’t asking for suggestions. I was asking if it’s unreasonable to be hurt.

Step-sister's husband was ill.
Mother was seriously ill in hospital with pneumonia.

Did anyone really want step-sister to potentially bring her husband's germs anywhere near OP's mother?

I thought they were going down the pub afterwards (no under 14s)?

Except: for the elderly couple it is no more a life event than making a will or claiming a spousal tax allowance. With - like a will - two witnesses be required to make the documentation legal

Getting married wasn't A Big Life Event even to me, let alone other people's marriages! Big life events have been the birth of my children, completing treatment for health problems, moving past a suicide attempt and academic/career achievements. Putting a ring on it doesn't even figure.

I can well imagine that if I were 81yo (my parents are in the same age bracket) it's even less of an event.

She's been with him 30 years. You don't even see her for Christmas, you live 200 miles away. Legally having a step-father is for your to wrap your head around; it doesn't take your mother arranging her marriage ceremony around your and your children's needs to do that.

do you have to submit your birth certificates or photo id ahead of attending this restaurant?
if not just say the kids are over 14
cant imagine they chucking you out if you’ve got a big booking 🤷‍♀️

You’re hilarious. I will endeavour to be more like you. Thanks.
And now you have made this thread about you, you can leave me to it.

Again -so many misconceptions!

1. A woman's name does not automatically change upon marriage! If she wants to, she can take steps to change it on official paperwork - eg HMRC, passport etc

2 'Step parent': this has no legal status where children are adults! Absolutely no difference pre marriage and post as you're not a child and he's not acquiring parental responsibility!

3. 'Next of kin': is a term people bandy about. It's not a legally defined term and is commonly used in place of 'emergency contact'. For example, when going into hospital you may be asked to name a next of kin, but you can choose whoever you want - you have no legal obligation to put a blood relative.

So - not much to see here

This is a very good point! Although. Think they might suss the 10 year old.
But anyway, the decision has been made not to include us in the booking so it would just be gatecrashing if we did go.

Wow. And just like that, it no longer matters to me. Cheers. 🤣

sorry if already said, did you offer to pay for your meals? I would. you could even say it is in line of gifts.
@Candlemascandy

Nope. It’s a restaurant that doesn’t allow kids.

Out of curiosity OP, did you move 200 miles away from your childhood home, or did your Mum move away when she met her partner?

Yeah, others have suggested this. I’m reticent to do it though because if she is just using money as an excuse to not have me there then it will be even more obvious and more hurtful. So if I remove the block of ‘it’s too expensive’ then she has to say ‘I really don’t want you there’. I’m not sure I can deal with that, tbh. Plus it also just feels a bit desperate ‘oh please let me come mum. I will pay’. I need some self respect somewhere.

I moved. Uni/job etc.

come on now. as someone said clearly you and your mum attach different values to a wedding. she has clearly shown she is only doing it for the paper. so she is right to extend that feeling to 'not wanting to spend money on meals, 'for the paper'.

address the issue of care/support you give to her separately. se expects is because you are her daughter. she din't think she then owes you a meal at the wedding she doesn't want to spend on.

why not scream, you want to come. that is basially what you want!?