Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

So why are they even having a post-wedding dinner then?

Because she doesn’t think of the step daughter as a daughter but as a convenient neighbour. A cheap witness.

I get where you are coming from but at a fundamental level you are refusing to be comforted even by posters, like myself, who sympathize. That is the issue. You can’t let go of, and are magnifying, your resentment, by throwing in more and more injury: your dh! Your little bitty children! What will outsiders think??

You are at the very least a fifty year old woman with a somewhat difficult and disappointing relationship with your mother. Its time to face that and accept it. You are displacing a lot of anger and sadness from your mothers recent illness and future funeral costs onto this wedding (both things that you have mentioned as injuries). That’s fine and normal. But the only person suffering is you. And you don’t have to suffer. Accept your mother for who she is. You will feel better.

Not geographically close to me, no.
She didn’t come to my mom’s 80th. Her dad couldn’t care less about his birthdays.
My sister usually hosts Christmas and they don’t come to that.

"life admin task" is quite a good way of putting it - like going to an appointment at the solicitors or a financial adviser

Thanks for the clarification! (I had wondered from time to time whether that was even possible or something out of a romantic comedy/ days long gone)

Most people would expect to be invited to their own mother's wedding - YANBU.

As you say though, they might not have long left. I'd ask to go (and pay your own way), but wouldn't fall out over it x

I have acknowledged those offering comfort. You just don’t see it as only they see my reactions.
It is comforting to see that it isn’t an outrageous concept to expect to be included in your mum’s marriage and to be hurt if it looks like that is what she wants, but then it isn’t what she wants.

That's a bit of a stretch

And the fact that you have had a whole set of responses shows that this isn't a black and white issue.

Your mother clearly sees the "wedding" as a formality, no big deal, they'll ask partner's sister and husband to be witnesses as they live close by and it saves hassle.

You are upset from being excluded from your mum's wedding in favour of your soon-to-be step sister.

Neither of you seem able to grasp the other person's point of view. And, as it's your mum's wedding, ultimately she'll do what she wants. And expecting her to change things because you want them differently is selfish.

I would try to move on and focus on your relationship with your mother outside of this. Why not invite her to yours for a "post wedding" celebration, so you can get the happy photos you want?

But do I not risk getting more hurt by making this suggestion and being rebuffed? Like I’m desperate to muscle in on a party I’m really not welcome at?

…because of geography. His daughter is 20 minutes away, OP is 200 miles away and her sister is even further…I would have helped out, she’s known the woman for 30
years, even if she’s not especially close to her. (We don’t know if she is) I would’ve done to help my dad out.

Haven’t RTFT,

@Candlemascandy have you offered to pay for the meal and extra expenses?

The problem with all the people saying that the mum doesn’t see it as a big deal it’s just a legality is that they have chosen to take his daughter whilst not inviting either of her daughters or using friends and they are going out for a meal afterwards which whatever way you look at is a form of celebration . You really can’t have it both ways . It is out and out favouritism , if they really didn’t want all the family they could have just asked the three daughters , no partners , no children . Being old doesn’t give you an out on being unfeeling . If a 40 yr old came on here and said myself and my partner are getting married we have 3 children but we are only inviting 1 the responses would be totally different to some that the OP has received . She has every right to feel upset / snubbed as would any normal person .

I would be upset.

I would offer to go alone and pay for myself if I just want to see my mum get married.

But if she does not want you there, you'll have to accept that. I find old people often think very differently about things. Nipping down to the registry office, two witnesses, a no fuss lunch and it all done and dusted might be all they want.

Not being invited or being uninvited to your parent's wedding is a blow. I understand why you're feeling upset about that. The considerate thing for them to do is to ask 2 other people to be witness, so that both their DCs are treated equally in not being invited. People will do what they want to do though.

Do you think DM is being influenced?

When you offer to pay for the meal as a wedding gift obviously you pick a nice restaurant that accepts your kids

if she doesn’t go for this you have two options

a) hate her for the rest of her life

B) get over it and accept it’s just the way they want to do it

Lots of people are excusing what they are doing but to me the sticking point is that his children are going to be there but you aren’t. YANBU the fact that they don’t give a shit how you feel is completely underlined here. They can do what they want but they’ve invited grooms kids but not the brides!

The op hasn’t seen her soon to be step sister for 15 years and her husband hasn’t even met her.

And the soon to be step sister didn’t go to the Op’s mums 80th birthday,

I have every sympathy for the op in this situation but it does very much sound like a fractured family, anything but blended, and I’m beginning to see how mum isn’t putting any more into getting married than she isc

@Candlemascandy Your mum could have an impersonal signing of a contract as she wishes, just not with one daughter/step daughter of three invited. She has muddied the waters.

I understand your hurt. Impersonal and friends as witness would feel much fairer.

I'm going through the death of my father, arrangements involving my DB who hasn't spoken to me for 25 years and in this a comment has been made that my dad loved him more than me.
I've reflected on my devastation and how this has made me feel. Even though I am in my 50’s, inside is still that little girl, who just wants to feel loved and be treat the same as my brother. I know it is bizarre for a grown up, but nonetheless I'm so upset.

🤭

That's the thing though - there is no life event except in the OP's view and some posters such as yourself

@Candlemascandy
‘Just for context, he’s 81, totally deaf in one ear but won’t wear a hearing aid so he couldn’t hear what the doctors were telling him about her and couldn’t lip read as they were wearing masks.’

Don’t be irritated at someone with a hearing disability - there are many kinds of hearing problems and hearing aids do not work for everyone.

A hearing aid will not work with a totally deaf ear. There needs to be some hearing to amplify.

Hearing aids often increase the background sounds and causes them to mix in with voices.