Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Yes I mean all of you. Only you need to go. (And your sister if she's of the same opinion as you). But there's really no need for your DH and your kids.

As you will have read a million times here - it's not an occasion they want to share and celebrate. If you really insist on pressuring them into letting you attend then it should be only you.

And I’m not sure how you think I tell my DH and kids that their granny doesn’t want them there.

• Folks, Granny is having a small wedding just like Aunt Caroline did when she went married Lisa. I'll be going, and will give her a big hug for all of you.

My husband dropped everything, borrowed a car off a friend and drove us up to be with my mum in hospital. Because he’s a good man. Maybe she can tell him he doesn’t derserve to come to her wedding herself if I pay for myself and go.

• Did he do it just for a wedding invitation? For fs sake, we do things for family because we want to, not for a quid pro quo. What will happen if your kids want a small wedding and don't invite you? Are you going to throw stuff back in their face too?

Amazing relationship with both my parents and my children because I respect their boundaries, don’t force my wishes upon them and also don’t believe I am entitled to anything from them.

I agree with those saying she just sees it as a contract, not a celebration.

Shes not wrong that it saves you time and money!

It sounds like you and your Mum are very different personalities.

However you are also free not to help next time there’s an emergency.

Do people on real life really engage in this tit for tat and keep a mental ledger of grudges?

Because I get fed up of the really unhelpful posts that say things like ‘you’re a brat’ and ‘you’re a princess’ and ‘you’re so selfish’.

some do it because they are bored in their lunch break and want a bit of sport.

some do it because they assume they know the situation and that what will really be good is to tell the original poster why they are an insufferable nightmare. Why are they picking fights with strangers?

None of that is helpful. I asked a question about why people in real life have brushed off my upset about being included and then excluded from my own mother’s wedding. My mum obviously thinks it’s ok to invite one child and not the others. And there are a lot of people on here who agree with it.
But lots don’t.

That is making it about you.

I think my concern would be whether these are genuinely your mums wishes or she is being somehow railroaded by her partner and his daughter. I completely get why they don't want to waste money on what they see as a legal matter, but a bit concerned that his side are involved and yours are not. I'd be worried whether the benefits from this marriage will be equal, ie, is your mum bringing more to the table than him, as it could then be a matter of deliberate side lining of her family by him and his.

😳😳😳

@pikkumyy77 actually that is a good point. Hadn't considered the getting ill aspect. That would definitely make me give my mum grace if that was obvious.

We get on really well. She’s got a load of other stuff going on in her life though so she’s kind of resigned to the fact that no invitation in coming.

I get it OP.

I’m not sure if you’ve answered this, but don’t you think it’s possible they’ve invited the partner’s daughter because she lives so much closer? And then planned the day just to accommodate the people who will be there? It does sound as though this isn’t a big deal to your mum so she’s just doing what’s convenient.

If there’s a huge drip feed about how your mum is showing preference to her partner’s family then keep your distance from them, but if the relationship between you and your mum is good just let it go.

Offer to pay to feed your families after yourself? Maybe then they’ll be ok with it?

OP - ignore every post other than those that accord with your world view!

Sounds to me like this 'wedding' means far more to you than it does to them. I think to them its just a formality and just paperwork and they don't see it as a big deal or anything particular to celebrate as such. They more than likely picked his daughter and partner because its just two of them and they live just 20 minutes away so no faff for anyone.

But I do understand why you feel the way you do and that you want to celebrate this event, its just that I am not sure that is particularly what they want.

I think you should tell your DM how you feel and see if, at the very least, they can book somewhere afterwards that you can all eat a meal together to celebrate, where your DC can be included too.

It is a good point and it’s something I have considered. But I don’t think either of them are showing mental decline. And they did (begrudgingly) accept that they had to act to secure the future for the surviving partner. So they are astute enough to understand that.

Good point - though I would imagine they know that as they're getting married for legal and practical reasons.

I can absolutely understand why you are hurt. It seems both unkind and unfair. They could have at least invited you to the meal. I would have felt exactly the same.
However, having now lost both of my parents my only advice would be, be generous even if you are upset.
Your mum really won’t be here forever. She’s already had a recent health scare and the last thing you need is an ongoing issue when there are more important things going on.
It is a wedding for legal purposes and yes it’s a bit shit that you aren’t included and also it’s a bit tight-fisted.
But you’ve had a long, long relationship with your mum.
After the wedding, go and see them both, take some flowers and congratulations and rise above your discomfort.
One day I can guarantee you did the right thing by letting it lie and being the bigger person.
It does hurt, I know, but honestly it’s not worth the stress and upset because at 81 there is no time to waste. Be there for your mum and show her some love.
You won’t regret it.

I barely know her. I think I saw her last about 15 years ago. My husband has never met her. Our paths just don’t cross. She was in her 20s when my mum and her dad got together so we are just acquaintances.