Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP have you actually asked your Mum if you come alone for the ceremony?

Your DH can take a day's holiday to do the childcare.
You take the train and come back the same day or drive and stay overnight.

That's not hard, is it?

This was my thought. I suppose it’s their restaurant, their choice <shrug>

It's a shame that people who are marrying for legal reasons can't just pop to the solicitors office.

because his daughter lives near the happy couple and OP lives so far away they'd have to stay the night.

I sense you are very unsettled by your DM getting married suddenly for legal reasons only, at 81 with two nearby relatives/witneese and no children or fuss and wanting a simple pub lunch afterwards. Her way.

Why? Really?

Its a pub.

I think you and your sister should go and see your mum, to outline how hurt you are. It’s better in person. Explain that it may not be a “big event” to your mum, but inviting your stepsister makes it a big deal for you both. Either they should have gone for a small thing with no family present, or included all of their children. They could have invited you both without families, if they didn’t want there to be lots of people present.

You could tell them that this all makes you both very reluctant to just drop everything for them going forward, seeing as they don’t value you or your feelings. And leave it at that.

Have a conversation with your Mum OP rather than 'talking' on MN.

Hi Mum, look there's something I want to talk about. I know you want a really small wedding and I understand that. However, I'd love to be there as a witness, as it's important for me to see you and X so happy.

I'd drive/ get the train, DH can look after the kids here and I'll come back the same day or stay overnight

How does that sound?

They can but it's called a registry office

I don’t think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable personally I’d let them get on with it and next time there is a frantic phone call I’d tell them to call the step daughter and failing that you will be able to come up at the weekend . Show them the same level of concern and care that they are showing about you . Just because people are elderly it doesn’t mean they are necessarily nice people or right all the time . Your mum is aware that you are wanting to attend with your children . They can bleat on forever about it being a bit of legal paperwork but if that’s the case they wouldn’t be bothering with a meal to celebrate. Your mum cares not one joy about your feelings , her GC feelings or your sisters otherwise she would do one of two things 1) have the register office ceremony with no celebration or 2) invite her family . By doing the hybrid she is telling you exactly where you stand .

I’m happy to be there for them.
But they're not bothered and want something very low key now. It may be hurtful to you (and your sister, how does she feel?) but it's just a box ticking exercise for them. It's you that wants to make it more of an occasion.

what they want is a hybrid Is it though? Quick reg office marriage to get the legal paper and down the pub for a cheap meal by the sound of it, using the nearest witnesses available.

Their mistake is doing the meal afterwards, probably as a thank you to the witnesses, as if that wasn't happening it literally would be just nipping to the reg office then home. It also would have been less trouble if they'd chosen friends not his family to be witnesses.

Why don't you arrange to all go up to visit asap after the 'non' event in school holidays and do a family meal/photos etc then? Respect your mum's wishes for the marriage even if it's been done clumsily.

Exactly. You could even ask a colleague, or neighbour to witness, and no need for a meal.

Yanbu

If they didn’t want to pay them the meal could have been everybody paying for themselves.

I guess that this arrangement is better than if they’d picked your sister but not you but thats not really a comfort.

I'm sure they could have asked 2 friends who live locally to show fairness and not exclude one set of family or even just invite their own children with no partners or grandchildren, which would be 3 people instead of 2, but no the partners child and husband are the only ones invited, totally unfair.

very thoughtless of your mother

I'm surprised that, at 81, they have been planning this wedding for so long - you think they would have more sense of urgency, especially as they are doing it for the purposes of getting their affairs in order (and presumably tax purposes). By the way, do remind them that they both need to make a new will, as marriage invalidates existing wills.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it, just say you would like to be there, but understand if they don't want that.

You seem to ignore the questions/suggestions around " have you told your mum how you feel?"

I can imagine the step daughter is much more involved in their lives living so close. It is likely she supports them much more than you do from 200 mile away! It is hardly unreasonable to be expecting you to look after your mum when she was in hospital and makes perfect sense.

If your affection for your mum is unconditional as you are trying so hard to indicate, why don't you insist on spending that money and make the memories!

I would feel hurt for not being invited, but I'd let my mum know how much I want to be there.

You live three hours away and have kids.

They want minimal fuss so they invited the daughter who lives twenty minutes away without kids and are just having a basic ceremony and a quiet meal afterwards.

You said how disruptive and difficult it was for you to go up and care for your mum when she was ill, why would you want to go all that way just for a meal?

I have tried telling her that we want to be there.
When they first accepted that I wasn’t lying to them about the need to get married (which is intended primarily to protect my mum because she has no assets other than the house and if he dies before she does and she’s hit with inheritance tax she would have to sell the house to pay for it. And being married could potentially mean that nothing of her ‘part’ of the house would come to me and my sister if she dies before him. It could all go to his daughter. That’s why I say I’m expecting zero, other than the bill for her funeral. So then getting married is not because I think it benefits me) my mum was talking with me about various different venues (including a church at one point), whether the youngest two grandchildren would want to be flower girls, I was navigating the websites, I helped her order a replacement copy of her birth certificate so she could register etc etc. Then the months have gone by and the discussions have turned to ‘well you wouldn’t want to be there, we can only have two witnesses, the restaurant won’t have kids in’ and making out like her choices are in some way letting me off the hook for coming. I spoke to her yesterday and she said ‘oh we’ve set a new date in April that works for X and Y to be witnesses’ I then said ‘oh ok and what are you doing about a meal? Still going to the (blank) restaurant?’ Yes, she said. It’s a shame that they won’t let the kids in. Like it’s the only bloody place they can go and it’s an utterly immovable choice.

YANBU. I would be upset too - you were there when no one else could be . SHe should have changed her plans from the original one and extended the invite tp you and sis as well as partner's child.

x

I wasn't invited to my Dad's 3rd wedding. They just wanted to tie up the paperwork and get it done. My parents marry a lot though 🙈

It's alright, have a meal to celebrate with them another time maybe?

Is your sister upset too?

After what you've said about your mum's 80th birthday with her arranging everything but leaving you and your sister to pick up the tab, she doesn't sound like a particularly nice mum. It would be quite difficult to find a restaurant that excludes under 14s, so it's a very deliberate moove on her part to try and exclude your family. I would accept this and just pull back so you don't keep getting disappointed.

It was disruptive because it was unplanned, over Christmas and emergency. This is a totally different event.

@OneEdgyScroller was replying to another post, not the OPs, RTFT! 🙄