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AIBU?

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Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 02/02/2025 23:43

Same as pretty much every time
you help someone out, it’s not actually ‘your problem’. It doesn’t have to be. You’re free to help or not, or put boundaries on whatever help you do offer.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/02/2025 23:43

anon168231245630 · 02/02/2025 23:35

Surely you remember what it was like having a young baby. I think set some boundaries about the errands but cut her some slack, it doesn't sound like she has much support.

But she knew that when she decided to have a baby.

Mlamla · 02/02/2025 23:59

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know,especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle.

InterIgnis · 03/02/2025 00:00

Mlamla · 02/02/2025 23:59

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know,especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle.

‘For the sake of all mothers’ 😂😂😂

Fuck that. Burdening OP isn’t ’nice’.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2025 00:06

Mlamla · 02/02/2025 23:59

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know,especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle.

No. The baby’s got a dad and grandparents. OP is the baby’s half sibling’s half sibling’s mum. She’s not on the hook here.

Pallisers · 03/02/2025 00:19

So the baby's father has fucked off. But the partner of the ex husband of the baby's mother should be kind and help out because ... village.

Seriously?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 00:19

Mlamla · 02/02/2025 23:59

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know,especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle.

How long should OP help for? 3 months? 6 months? Forever?

This isn't her first baby. She could also be trying to take advantage of OP.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 03/02/2025 00:29

I'm sure she's not that tired 🙄. I wouldn't get involved. Sounds like she's never been super helpful to you. Plus no one made her have a baby and yeah there are 2 dads involved, neither of them are you

Itstillstings · 03/02/2025 00:29

MeganM3 · 02/02/2025 19:13

You're all a big blended family now and will be in each others lives probably forever. So just do what you can, it's a new baby and that is really hard.
How you play things now, in a time of need, will come back to you for better or worse so put your compassionate hat on and suck it up a bit.

These are wise words.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 03/02/2025 00:35

Woahtherehoney · 02/02/2025 23:38

If the shoe was on the other foot and OP had just had a baby and was asking for the mum to help out with the step kids you’d all be saying “but you knew he had kids and still chose to have a baby so you need to keep up your end of the bargain”

the double standards here are appalling!

This 💯 would be the case. OP would have to "step up". I doubt the be kind nonsense would be thrown around

Bunny44 · 03/02/2025 00:39

@purplejeansandbiscoff do you have the kids 50% in total now or you mean now you're doing more than half now? Because if your DH only has them half the time now then that's fair really.

Often custody arrangements end up with mums doing more but obviously she can't at the moment due to a change in circumstance. Plus the other way around there are always stories of men on here not having their kids at all once they have a new baby with someone else. We should be careful about double standards.

Sounds like the problem is that the extra workload is lumped on you which is your DHs problem as his kids are his responsibility.

eightIsNewNine · 03/02/2025 00:59

so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

Favours should be mutual. If you don't see any reasonable potential for you exchanging favours with her directly, don't do the school runs for her. However, consider doing it for your DH (or not) - if he would want to help himself, but isn't available, does he appreciate you are stepping into his shoes in this matter?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 01:09

Bunny44 · 03/02/2025 00:39

@purplejeansandbiscoff do you have the kids 50% in total now or you mean now you're doing more than half now? Because if your DH only has them half the time now then that's fair really.

Often custody arrangements end up with mums doing more but obviously she can't at the moment due to a change in circumstance. Plus the other way around there are always stories of men on here not having their kids at all once they have a new baby with someone else. We should be careful about double standards.

Sounds like the problem is that the extra workload is lumped on you which is your DHs problem as his kids are his responsibility.

Can't or doesn't want to? Her baby is 2 months old not 2 days old. She needs to be doing the school runs when it's her 50%.

InterIgnis · 03/02/2025 01:17

Itstillstings · 03/02/2025 00:29

These are wise words.

Show quote history

In the same way a framed ‘live laugh love’ print is tasteful decor. Which is to say, not at all.

LondonLawyer · 03/02/2025 01:47

I've thought about this, and realised that for me a lot would depend on the tone of the request. If it was ex to DH, saying, "baby's got a cold, school run's going to be difficult, please ask Jane if she can pick them up and drop them at school on her way to work" I'd definitely be saying "no".

If it acknowledges that this is a favour, not just something ex is entitled to ask, I'd be a lot more inclined to help, "baby's got a cold, school run's going to be difficult. I'm really sorry to ask, but could Jane pick them up and drop them on her way to work? It would really help, and I'd appreciate it".

Kurokurosuke · 03/02/2025 02:26

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

InterIgnis · 03/02/2025 02:39

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I’m sure it will be significantly nicer for OP if she didn’t make it her business. Perhaps you can message OP and ask her to pass on your kind offer of service?

Do you mean village? Or indentured servitude in a labor camp? Because generally you become part of a village through your own free will, it isn’t something that anyone is entitled to dump on you. She isn’t part of this woman’s village.

“I am sure it will be hard, but it will be appreciated. and even if it is not, you will know you did the right and good thing and that is important.”

Doubtful. If you’re trying to sell this bullshit, at least try and make it sound appealing. The absolute doormattery of it all 🤡

Kurokurosuke · 03/02/2025 02:49

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CheshireDing · 03/02/2025 02:57

Maybe the baby's Dad, then OP's DH, then the baby's Grandparents should be buying nappies, asking work for a temporary change in their working hours ?

Then after all those people (who are closer to the ex wife and/or new baby) step up, THEN OP could help out. Currently seems like a piss take to me. Why should OP rush around when nobody else is rushing or altering their work schedules !?

That's 4 people that could help before OP who is not related in any way to ex wife or new baby has to step up.

InterIgnis · 03/02/2025 03:02

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

OP is neither this woman’s friend nor family. So what if she’s got a tenuous connection to her? Having a connection to her doesn’t make her part of this woman’s support circle, or responsible for helping her out. If she wants that she can try asking her actual family, or her kid’s father 🤷🏻‍♀️

I love a history book, so I’m always happy to read more. Whilst I do that perhaps you can acquaint yourself with the concept of hyperbole?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 03/02/2025 03:38

Nameftgigb · 02/02/2025 18:42

I’d have the dsc more just so that they dont have to be so badly affected by their mum who is clearly struggling. I wouldn’t be running around the shops and giving lifts for her though.

They already have them 50% of the time. She gets a lot more time to tend to her baby and sort her life out than most mums of three. The baby is 8 weeks old, not 8 days.

user1492757084 · 03/02/2025 03:44

It is healthy that she can call on you and the father of her older children when she's not coping with the new born.
I would continue to help out until the baby is four months old.
The baby will have had some of her shots and the weather will be much better for transporting the baby to and fro with the older children.
Be honest and say if you can't help.

Discuss with your DH and her whether it would be in the DSC best interests for you to have them for a day or two longer each week until Easter - it would be temporary and predictable.

It speaks volumes to your DSC that you want to support their household when the chips are down.

Kindness should run both ways.

Gymnopedie · 03/02/2025 04:04

Kindness should run both ways.

So the OP and her DH do far more than was agreed to #bekind. What does the ex do that goes the other way?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/02/2025 06:04

user1492757084 · 03/02/2025 03:44

It is healthy that she can call on you and the father of her older children when she's not coping with the new born.
I would continue to help out until the baby is four months old.
The baby will have had some of her shots and the weather will be much better for transporting the baby to and fro with the older children.
Be honest and say if you can't help.

Discuss with your DH and her whether it would be in the DSC best interests for you to have them for a day or two longer each week until Easter - it would be temporary and predictable.

It speaks volumes to your DSC that you want to support their household when the chips are down.

Kindness should run both ways.

What other way is it working here? The ex is having it all one way. And most people’s partners will be back at work by 8 weeks, so getting kids and a baby out to school, and getting food in the house is a normal expectation for most people.

No one on MN would ever expect the ex to help out when the exDH’s new partner had a baby; they get told they should have thought of the other kids before they decided to have more.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/02/2025 06:13

And PP are right; she should be asking the latest father of the baby to help. And if he’s not around, she needs to get on with it and start making better life choices