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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 03/02/2025 06:23

All this village talk is nonsense....why are the ex husband and his partner the only people in the village to help?

They already have the child 50% of the time and I expect mum made a fuss over that.

She needs to get the babies dad to look after the baby to do the school run or ask her own parents to step in (all we know is they also work, or is there more where the disapprove perhaps of the choices of their daughter and are unwilling? Surely a lot of parents in they know their child is struggling with a newborn and has been ditched would be more forthcoming?).

Kitchensinktoday · 03/02/2025 07:01

No one on MN would ever expect the ex to help out when the exDH’s new partner had a baby; they get told they should have thought of the other kids before they decided to have more.

So true

Vworried1 · 03/02/2025 07:16

Calling all the step mum bashers …
SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. She knew what she was getting into ( the mum with the new baby ). Doesn’t she know the child would need nappies etc ? Didn’t she know having another child with all the blending would impact her first / other children .

Silvertulips · 03/02/2025 07:19

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle

I know plenty of sleep deprived single mothers who would never ask their ex husbands new partner to help with the kids, especially when OP has a baby herself, works and has one child to drop off and probably drops the step kids in her DH’s day as well.

Realistically the new mum only does 2/3 days a week school runs or 5/10 school runs already - sounds like she’s doing now!!

Id have my phone off in the mornings. Start ignoring requests.

Some people are CF.

Kitchensinktoday · 03/02/2025 07:36

Vworried1 · 03/02/2025 07:16

Calling all the step mum bashers …
SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. She knew what she was getting into ( the mum with the new baby ). Doesn’t she know the child would need nappies etc ? Didn’t she know having another child with all the blending would impact her first / other children .

Edited

Yep, SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!! Love this!

And if the older children think they’re getting pushed out, even temporarily, the damage wil be irreparable

Ophy83 · 03/02/2025 07:55

The sleep situation may not improve for ages so she needs to work out a better system - e.g. step kids stay at yours more often if you are happy to do school runs from yours, or she books them into breakfast club so grandparents can drop them off before work, or baby's dad has the baby some nights so she can recover.

Baby's dad/ grandparents/ Amazon/ supermarket can deal with any shopping deliveries.

Londonlassy · 03/02/2025 08:05

There was a thread on here a while back where the step mum had a newborn in the NICU and asked the stepchild’s mum if she could have the child a bit extra so her husband could be with her n the hospital as she was an anxious mess. The mum refused and stepmom was without her husband as she stayed at the hospital and her had his son at their home.

MN absolutely lambasted the OP for daring to ask the mum to make an allowance. The hypocrisy of MN to step mums is staggering.

TicTac80 · 03/02/2025 08:14

YANBU at all (however I'm a softy and would want to try and help her out if I could - also in the hope that this might improve things between everyone going forward). What is the situation with the baby's father (the XW's XP)? Is there a reason he isn't stepping up? I was thinking that breakfast club might be an idea for the kids so that their GPs (or even XW's XP) could drop them off before work.

I used to try and help out my DSS's mum when I could - but then she and I got on well.

Naunet · 03/02/2025 08:48

I wouldn't be doing favours for anyone who text my husband for my time, like he's my manager who gets to dictate my movements. If she wants a favour, she should ask you directly.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 09:07

Mlamla · 02/02/2025 23:59

She had a baby 2 month ago, for the sake of all mothers, especially single ones ,try to help her as much as you can. If she s asking you for help than I'd say she is desperate and really needs it. It is nice to help people you know,especially sleep deprived single moms that obviously struggle.

The ex has parents close by but apparently they can't help because they work. OP works as well and is finding it difficult to get to work on time after the school drop off if the traffic is bad. Why is it OP's responsibility to juggle school drop offs with work but not the ex's parents or the actual father of the baby? OP doesn't need to be the patron saint of single mothers.

VelvetThrows · 03/02/2025 09:22

Discuss with your DH and provide help as much as you can to the extent that it helps him parent his older DC (without, of course, him simply palming off that responsibility to you).

Yes, she's no relation of is, yes, the SDC aren't your children. But you and your DH should work together about doing the best for his children within the means of your household.

Although I'm sure you're lovely, I do feel a bit sorry for the SDC in this!

Vworried1 · 03/02/2025 09:36

Londonlassy · 03/02/2025 08:05

There was a thread on here a while back where the step mum had a newborn in the NICU and asked the stepchild’s mum if she could have the child a bit extra so her husband could be with her n the hospital as she was an anxious mess. The mum refused and stepmom was without her husband as she stayed at the hospital and her had his son at their home.

MN absolutely lambasted the OP for daring to ask the mum to make an allowance. The hypocrisy of MN to step mums is staggering.

I remember this, I’ve not forgotten that post . It was appalling and the lack of humanity was astounding. It made me think , are people really that callous in real life . I would never ever recommend a step mum getting advice on mumsnet .

bluegreygreen · 03/02/2025 10:06

So how many times do people think it would be reasonable for OP to be late to work to keep helping?

Paganpentacle · 03/02/2025 10:08

If she needs her children dropping at school... then it should be her ex (ie the children's father) that does this, not binning your responsibility off on another woman.
Typical.

momofonex · 03/02/2025 11:30

Is it really that much bother picking something up from the shop on your way to someone? You'd do that for a relative or a friend, why not the coparent? If she's nice enough then I really don't see the issue, she's not asking you to babysit is she Confused you never know when you may need a favour from her in the future. She's probably struggling

Neodymium · 03/02/2025 11:37

Londonlassy · 03/02/2025 08:05

There was a thread on here a while back where the step mum had a newborn in the NICU and asked the stepchild’s mum if she could have the child a bit extra so her husband could be with her n the hospital as she was an anxious mess. The mum refused and stepmom was without her husband as she stayed at the hospital and her had his son at their home.

MN absolutely lambasted the OP for daring to ask the mum to make an allowance. The hypocrisy of MN to step mums is staggering.

Yes I remember that. The mum was in hospital with a new baby alone and everyone was like well you knew he had kids, you can’t just offload them when it suits you.

but when it’s the mum with the new baby suddenly everyone is one big village.

staggeringly hypocritical

ruethewhirl · 03/02/2025 11:41

bluegreygreen · 03/02/2025 10:06

So how many times do people think it would be reasonable for OP to be late to work to keep helping?

Indefinitely, I imagine. After all, we've got to #bekind, girls...

Vworried1 · 03/02/2025 11:44

ruethewhirl · 03/02/2025 11:41

Indefinitely, I imagine. After all, we've got to #bekind, girls...

Show quote history

Not step mums though. We can’t be kind to step mums . Sadly they are exempt from this on mumsnet 😔

askmenow · 03/02/2025 11:48

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 18:57

"she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold"

she texted your H when she expected you to do her a favour?
that would make it a definite "no" from me.

This ☝if she can't be civil and ask you nicely let her sort her own shit out!

"For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past."

She has parents living nearby so why can't they pickup nappies for her and drop DSC at school. Perhaps they know too well how demanding she can be,

namechangeGOT · 03/02/2025 11:51

momofonex · 03/02/2025 11:30

Is it really that much bother picking something up from the shop on your way to someone? You'd do that for a relative or a friend, why not the coparent? If she's nice enough then I really don't see the issue, she's not asking you to babysit is she Confused you never know when you may need a favour from her in the future. She's probably struggling

OP already says she isn't 'nice enough' though.

She's a grown woman who I assume has access to the internet. Thus, can order her own nappies. Being she's already had 2 kids she'll be aware that a single pack of nappies does not last forever. So, instead of using her digits to text her ex husband for help- why doesn't she pull her finger out and do a little Amazon order or Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury's (insert delivering retailer here).

ForSparklyLemonLurker · 03/02/2025 12:26

I'm gonna say you ANBU.
BUT....you know what's going to happen if you refuse to do anything. She will threaten your DH with not letting him see the kids.
HOWEVER...as she seems to have no other support I would expect this threat to be withdrawn once she realises how much she needs to buck up. She's not the only single parent in the world ffs.

WoolySnail · 03/02/2025 12:27

Naunet · 03/02/2025 08:48

I wouldn't be doing favours for anyone who text my husband for my time, like he's my manager who gets to dictate my movements. If she wants a favour, she should ask you directly.

She probably dislikes op so doesn't have direct contact, but miraculously likes her enough to let her do her errands and childcare! Supposition I know, but an educated guess based on the back story of past conflict!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2025 12:33

CluelessNotMalicious · 02/02/2025 18:38

I think with an 8 week old baby, and at this depressing time of year, I’d cut her some slack for at least a couple more months.

But I would be thinking about what help is reasonable. And might be more inclined to have DSC more of the time rather than do her errands

I agree with this. But I also think her requests are better directed at your H than at you. They are his children. Yes, they each currently have 50% of time with them, which is fair on paper. But at the moment, to ensure that their needs are met, it might be necessary for him to step up above 50%.

She didn’t plan to be having this new baby alone after all.

It’s a bit like if either she or your H had a very busy time at work, temporarily, the other one might reasonably step up a bit more. Just to make sure the kids have what they need.

Kitchensinktoday · 03/02/2025 12:36

She didn’t plan to be having this new baby alone after all.

And the OP didn't plan for it at all ......

ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 12:40

I wouldn't be inclined to 'cut her some slack' at all, frankly. She chose to have a baby, and it's the baby's father she needs to be asking for nappies and groceries, not her ex-husband who is not the baby's father and had nothing to do with her choice to have a child with someone else. She's an adult and she can deal with it herself. She's using your husband.