Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
Rainbow1901 · 02/02/2025 21:55

Yanbu - I can see that other pps say to be a little more compassionate as DH's ex is struggling with an 8 week old baby and as parents we have all had to deal with no sleep and the sometimes relentless slog that caring for children entails. But the baby will soon (if not already) be sleeping through the majority of the night and if it isn't then the new mum needs to adjust her routine to sleep when the baby sleeps and adjust the rest of her life around that including looking after two other children 50% of the time.
OP is trying to juggle her own life of pt working, parenting her own child, running her own home and doing some of the 50% childcare with her DH. Her DH is being asked to say yes for the OP when in reality he has no right to assume that OP will even (willingly or unwillingly) be able to help out. If taking the SDCs is on OPs way to work or wherever then no it's not much to ask but if it takes her 10 mins in the wrong direction that then creates problems for her then she is not unreasonable in how she feels and she should not be expected to do so. Her DH has already adjusted his work schedule around when they are due to have his DC and both he and OP struggle to help his ex outside of those times. So it not unreasonable to say no to his ex when she asks for help - the odd time here and there maybe but it's becoming too much of a habit just because she's had no sleep! She should get sort her DCs out and get them to school and go back home to sleep without constantly expecting her ex and OP to bail her out. It sounds like the frequency of these requests is the problem here and is becoming a bit of a mickey take!

WearyAuldWumman · 02/02/2025 22:12

MeganM3 · 02/02/2025 19:13

You're all a big blended family now and will be in each others lives probably forever. So just do what you can, it's a new baby and that is really hard.
How you play things now, in a time of need, will come back to you for better or worse so put your compassionate hat on and suck it up a bit.

From experience, I would caution that being too compassionate can also come back and bite you.

ArtTheClown · 02/02/2025 22:14

Wow, did they split up when she was pregnant? And now her ex is using work as an excuse not to be a dad to his newborn?

The OPs DH isn't the father, the ex had a baby with someone else.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 02/02/2025 22:15

I wouldn’t be making myself late for work so someone who is at home all day doesn't have to take their kids to school.

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 22:15

SemperIdem · 02/02/2025 21:40

It is quite astonishing to me that the ex doesn’t have more pride than to be begging favours from her own ex and his wife, with whom she has had not had an amicable relationship historically.

I’d utilise Amazon deliveries over such cheeky fucker behaviour, in her shoes. However she sounds like the sort of person who makes her problems anyone else’s rather than deal with them herself.

Edited

You'd be surprised. My DH's ex was happily remarried to a very hands-on dad/stepdad, and yet the list of things we apparently were supposed to be doing for her was unending. (I'm not talking about stuff for DSD, we were already doing that. These were favours we apparently owed her personally.)

WearyAuldWumman · 02/02/2025 22:17

InterIgnis · 02/02/2025 19:37

Lol. Rather you than me!

Show quote history

In my experience, if you're a doormat people keep walking all over you until you snap.

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 22:18

Plaided · 02/02/2025 20:40

The more I read on here about step families the more it seems that the people who are losing out are the children. It’s totally up to your husband to facilitate this, but you married him knowing he had a family. I just feel very sorry for the first children. I’ve seen it happen to my friends.

But OP is already being a hands-on stepmum. If anything's likely to damage these kids imo (though I really hope it doesn't), I'd say it's the sidelining by their own mother.

Mamabear300 · 02/02/2025 22:20

Jk987 · 02/02/2025 21:47

Wow, did they split up when she was pregnant? And now her ex is using work as an excuse not to be a dad to his newborn?

Sorry missread your post through tiredness 🤣🤦‍♀️.

Onlyonekenobe · 02/02/2025 22:30

She’s a single mum with one child 50% and a baby. Neither father she chose for her children is available to look after their child as much as she needs/wants.

She should have chosen better fathers.

What would she be doing if OP didn’t exist?

Of all the people in her life, how is OP the person to help? Does she not have parents, siblings, friends, a childminder, a friendly neighbour, parents of her child’s friends?

If the concern of the DH and his ex is that DSC have a familiar face (OP) at all times, then DH should be asking OP if she can possibly do more for the child (and even then I would query whether being pushed onto your stepmother is the best thing when you know your mum is home but just “tired” because is a new baby, and your dad is at work - stepmother can make adjustments but own parents can’t?). But he’s not. The ex is.

”Blended” families. Never.

WearyAuldWumman · 02/02/2025 22:36

WearyAuldWumman · 02/02/2025 22:17

In my experience, if you're a doormat people keep walking all over you until you snap.

Show quote history

In this metaphor, the doormat is rubber but has become worn and brittle with age.

Kitchensinktoday · 02/02/2025 22:39

Wild that only a few weeks ago a step mum got flamed for asking her step kids mum to have the kids for a couple more days after she had given birth but it’s fine on this one for the dad and step mum to have them extra days to accommodate the mum 🤔

Yes @Goldielocks2p22 this is what I was trying to say earlier in the thread, it’s a real double standard

Nationsss · 02/02/2025 22:42

OP, this is your husbands business not yours.
Sounds like they are both making a mug of you.
You have one child not 3.
Drop the rope, you will bitterly regret all this pressure being placed on you when this was your time with your toddler.

Vworried1 · 02/02/2025 22:43

If a step mum was asking for help like this then she would be told to suck it up . Typical hypocritical mumsnet.

MrsPeterHarris · 02/02/2025 22:56

Gymmum82 · 02/02/2025 19:21

If your husband wants to pick his children up and take them to school. Nip to the shops and buy nappies etc then that’s absolutely his prerogative. However I would not be doing any extras for an ex that isn’t mine and children that also aren’t mine

I'd be the same!

Needmilkandbread · 02/02/2025 23:02

What bizarre responses, well some of them at least.

Your husband was asked if he could drop children to school, he’s already committed to work so cannot.

You get asked (a bit cheeky), but it’s out of your way and makes you late.

Absolutely reasonable to say no can do. The answer seems obvious, so I don’t understand why people think you should be ‘nice’ and do it.

Silvertulips · 02/02/2025 23:07

Surely your DH wants to act in the best interests of his children?

Yes he can, but defaulting to OP isn’t stepping up is it? It’s passing the buck!

OP I’d be busy the next few times you are asked, early meeting, going in a different direction, whatever to nip this in the bud.

Lots of married and single woman manage the school run with a newborn - they are quite portable.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/02/2025 23:10

You can say no if it is problematic and you’re not getting to work in time. Many women have babies and have to get other children to school or nursery and go to work tired.

thecherryfox · 02/02/2025 23:14

your right, it’s not your problem - but have some compassion. As someone who was also a single parent to a newborn - it is suffocating. I think it must have taken her a lot to reach out and ask for help here and there from you guys and I guess she feels comfortable to see you both as her ‘village’. I cannot imagine being a single mum to a newborn and having to parent another child on top of that. Being solely responsible for being up in the night every single night yet still having to be up for school and function for your other child - that’s basically impossible on like 3 hours sleep a night. It’s not your problem, but you can’t just see a person struggling (especially one that those struggles will impact your partners child) and just not want to help.

GreenCrocodile · 02/02/2025 23:20

If you don’t help, your dhs kids will suffer. That’s the reality

InterIgnis · 02/02/2025 23:27

GreenCrocodile · 02/02/2025 23:20

If you don’t help, your dhs kids will suffer. That’s the reality

And that’s OP’s responsibility because…?

It’s up to their actual parents to step up.

InterIgnis · 02/02/2025 23:28

thecherryfox · 02/02/2025 23:14

your right, it’s not your problem - but have some compassion. As someone who was also a single parent to a newborn - it is suffocating. I think it must have taken her a lot to reach out and ask for help here and there from you guys and I guess she feels comfortable to see you both as her ‘village’. I cannot imagine being a single mum to a newborn and having to parent another child on top of that. Being solely responsible for being up in the night every single night yet still having to be up for school and function for your other child - that’s basically impossible on like 3 hours sleep a night. It’s not your problem, but you can’t just see a person struggling (especially one that those struggles will impact your partners child) and just not want to help.

Yes, yes you can. Someone else having a problem does not mean you have to make it’s yours.

Codlingmoths · 02/02/2025 23:28

I agree this is a tough balance between being helpful for the benefit of your step kids and being entitled. Don’t knee jerk no, work out your boundaries. Don’t do things that make you late for work, talk to Dh about what extra he can pick up at home to counterbalance you supporting him with his kids. How much sense do you get if she’s too tired to function and desperate vs just expects you to make her life easier? I used to book a holiday at about 4mo for each child so I had dh around for a week as I was just so tired. I have 3 so have done the school runs etc with a baby, it took me a while to realise I had Covid as it wasn’t unusual to be so tired I just wanted to pass out.

bluegreygreen · 02/02/2025 23:32

thecherryfox · 02/02/2025 23:14

your right, it’s not your problem - but have some compassion. As someone who was also a single parent to a newborn - it is suffocating. I think it must have taken her a lot to reach out and ask for help here and there from you guys and I guess she feels comfortable to see you both as her ‘village’. I cannot imagine being a single mum to a newborn and having to parent another child on top of that. Being solely responsible for being up in the night every single night yet still having to be up for school and function for your other child - that’s basically impossible on like 3 hours sleep a night. It’s not your problem, but you can’t just see a person struggling (especially one that those struggles will impact your partners child) and just not want to help.

It's not impossible - hundreds of people do it

anon168231245630 · 02/02/2025 23:35

Surely you remember what it was like having a young baby. I think set some boundaries about the errands but cut her some slack, it doesn't sound like she has much support.

Woahtherehoney · 02/02/2025 23:38

If the shoe was on the other foot and OP had just had a baby and was asking for the mum to help out with the step kids you’d all be saying “but you knew he had kids and still chose to have a baby so you need to keep up your end of the bargain”

the double standards here are appalling!