Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Then nip this in the bud and put an end to it. She chose to get pregnant, she chose the father of her baby, she chose to have the baby. Her circus. Her monkeys.

You seem surprised at the double standards but this is MN!

It does seem that you need to say “no, not tomorrow”. (Don’t add “sorry”, there’s nothing to apologise for). I think it’s hard for the ex to resist asking again and again if you accommodated her previously. (It would be hard to resist for many of us).

Yes! This is obvious. @SerafinasGoose I think most posters who are all ‘ it would be so kind posters’ are the ones who in real life are a lot like @purplejeansandbiscoff partners ex. Vile to the new partner but expect everyone to pander to them when they need it

So many typical MN responses.

OP states that her DH works full time doing early shifts but has made arrangements to take his kids to school having them 50% of the time. He is also the primary income for OPs family.Difficult ex gets pregnant by some guy who doesn’t want to stick around and won’t help out. She then makes unreasonable demands like OP and her Ex buying her stuff. With this there are several commenters saying OPs DH is in the wrong?

He needs to do the school run on the days he currently isn’t, so going beyond his 50%. How? Should he quit his job depriving OP and her family for an income because his job only allows him to meet his actual obligations not the unreasonable demands of the Ex?

I assume no one her has either worked a rigid job or been in a relationship with someone who does. Just saying “he has to do more” sound deeply ignorant of how flexible some jobs are. Perhaps people think OP should take up the full time role and her DH should go part time to give him the flexibility to care for their toddler and his DSC? This is obviously ridiculous and OP and her DH have arranged their lives to meet their responsibilities and are not obligated to adjust them to accommodate the unreasonable demands of his Ex.

I think she’s taking the piss asking for shopping when she could organise a delivery when the baby is napping and the older dc are at school. Lifts for the dc, maybe, but I think the OP’s Dh should be the one to reorganise his work start time. Why is the father not buying supplies for his baby?

The DH is doing school runs , the Ex is the one springing on extra days .
I would love to know where these fantasy workplaces are that allow a parent to just trundle in late because they've had to drop the DC on their NonContact Day . Not an emergency like illness or school closed ( there are Parental Leave days for this )
I know at my work it wouldn't be well recieved .

OP does your DH pay CM as you are 50/50?
You'll find you're doing a 60/40 or 70/30 split soon.
Is there after school or breakfast club at the DSC school?

Lifts for the dc, maybe, but I think the OP’s Dh should be the one to reorganise his work start time.

I don't think he should be. He already ensures that his children get to school on the days he has responsibility for them.

And the ex sounds like the type to take a mile when given an inch, so best to keep the boundaries firm.

The more I read on here about step families the more it seems that the people who are losing out are the children. It’s totally up to your husband to facilitate this, but you married him knowing he had a family. I just feel very sorry for the first children. I’ve seen it happen to my friends.

Because these children live with her 50% of the time. One would assume she cares about them. Yes, it’s not OP’s problem that the mum is having a hard time, but it is the DSC’s problem. It may feel easier to OP if she thinks of it as helping her DSC (who she cares about) rather than her DH’s ex who she doesn’t particularly like.

It’s totally up to your husband to facilitate this, but you married him knowing he had a family.

There's been no suggestion that the DH has been at all derelict in his care of his DC though.

This!!!

This

If I were you I'd direct the sadface towards the parent that is not keeping up their contact time.

Her parents are also close by but they also work Monday- Friday.

Her parents could help with the shopping, flex their hours to do school drop-offs, and help with the older children either at the ex's house or take them for sleepovers.

No, it is up to the two people who created the new baby to facilitate it. OPs husband has his children 50% of the time. He is not responsible for providing for the ex's new baby, just because her other ex isn't doing what he's supposed to. Feel sorry for the first children if you want, but they are being affected by their mothers choice to have another child, not their fathers.

The new mu''s ex and their families need to step up - I feel sorry for the older children though

Are you responsible for her, her well being or that of her new baby ...its a hard no! But to be blunt, whilst you are with the Father of two of her kids, you are tied to her for life. Its not good but there we are. Partners come with baggage sometimes.

Its sounds like she has been problematic in the past and I can see why her behaviour is annoying BUT for the sake of trying to improve future relations, I would offer some support but I would put in place boundaries. I'm assuming her kids (baby aside) are getting to an age where they pick up on things. You and your husband do 50% of the childcare as it is so you are pulling your weight.

She is a single parent, with two young kids and a new born. Its tough having to take a new born on the school run.

I wouldn't tell her you will help....give an inch and they will take a mile but I would be patient for a few months and then review the situation.

You have no moral need to do this at all. And I know the new Daddy should be offering some support. But I see this as your chance to turn the relationship around, I'm not envisaging you inviting her for tea, just a hope that she may realise its better to all pull in the same direction instead of against each other, for the benefit of the kids involved. This will be you being generous.

The only real option here is too take on more of their custody (& use the maintenance payments he's paying & she will owe to get extra child care)

The only thing you can offer is having the DSc’s more than 50/50 and waiving her responsibilities to the pay your DH CMA. Anything else would be bar shit. She is a grown woman and needs to take care of her own life.

Or, get the child's biological father to step up. Yes, I see that they live with OP some of the time but that doesn't mean she's obliged to help out the mother outside of that arrangement. The OP clearly states in her post how fed up she is with this woman and how she wants the other father to get more involved.

I certainly wouldn't be doing this, OP. It will make your morning tomorrow significantly more stressful at the last minute. I don't think this is your DH's problem either - his ex has asked if he can drop the children tomorrow, but he's working, he can't. And this isn't him letting down an arrangement, it's being unable to expand that arrangement at the last minute.

The ex has a very long list of people who ought to be further up the "helping her" queue, and it's not your problem.

Nope, the mother who wanted more kids has to look after all her kids. Not OP’s problem, and not her partner’s problem, over and above his usual amount of contact. Why should they help her out? MN is very quick to tell women who’ve had DC with men who previously had children, that they shouldn’t have had more DC and they have no right to help. Same goes for women who wanted more kids than they already had.

It is quite astonishing to me that the ex doesn’t have more pride than to be begging favours from her own ex and his wife, with whom she has had not had an amicable relationship historically.

I’d utilise Amazon deliveries over such cheeky fucker behaviour, in her shoes. However she sounds like the sort of person who makes her problems anyone else’s rather than deal with them herself.

Wow, did they split up when she was pregnant? And now her ex is using work as an excuse not to be a dad to his newborn?