Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

@T1Dmama the point is the Op and her husband have their lives arranged for the 50/50 contact they have . The reason she needs help is because she has a new baby , she already has 50% of the time where she only has to manage the older 2 , why should her new baby / tiredness etc be visited on the Op or her husband , that is the problem for the father and blood relatives of the baby . She’s obviously pretty inept anyway as millions of mums manage to have babies and still do a school run for older kids . This one is only having to do it 1/2 the time . Plus the OP said right at the start that if the traffics bad she will be late for work .

That's nothing, ours wanted hers to have 4 parents when it suited her. 😂

I can’t believe how many people think the buck stops with the OP, and also some very stretched definitions of “family”

YABU, but I’m the sort of person who used to have people’s backs this way, and now my first, octogenarian, mother in law does me multiple favours per week. It’s nice to be nice and all that.

It's nice to be nice is the kind of thing one says to preschool children to encourage them to share, not to a grown women to encourage her to run herself into the ground, possibly to the detrimental of her job in order to appease another fully grown woman who has multiple other options to help herself at her fingertips.

I wouldn't be helping!

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at some of the responses on here - there was a thread a couple of years ago where someone tried to get the OP to give her squatting tenants an entire house.

@ArtTheClown oh god I can imagine.. but they obviously need it more. The OP can just buy another house and it would y'know #bekind.

I didn’t say it was their jobs I just said that is probably what I would do in that situation

Why would you allow someone to take advantage of you?

Providing a supermarket voucher once for children that are 50% my households responsibility doesn’t seem like the huge deal you’re making it out to be. Regarding the nappies wipes and calpol for the sake of £50? Having her not cause any disruption in my own home thereafter would be well worth it for a one off. I never said regularly do it.

She's a CF. Someone like that isn't going to accept a one off, she's going to make regular demands. All the more so if she's going to get free supermarket vouchers plus nappies/wipes for a baby who has nothing to do with you.

This is why OP is fed up, it isn't a one off. It's been going on for 2+ months.

Yup. Do it once and she'll expect it again.

For example if she says baby has a cold, can you pick DSC up tomorrow and take them to school because I'm shattered to DH and he says sorry he can't tomorrow as he's in work early, she'll just reply saying "well can purplejeans not help?"

I agree that offering to have the DSC more at yours would be the best idea for you all right now, because you can't go out of your way and risk being late for work on a regular basis. Your DH needs to tell her that you're simply not able to do it.

Did you read my first post? I said make it clear you won’t continue. You’ve gone full attack mode on me for suggesting an attempt to get on the good side of someone who can literally blow your household up if they wanted to. If she felt vindictive she could brainwash the kids against their father and stepmother and make their lives miserable. She’d have no way to negatively spin you sending the kids back to her with a supermarket voucher and supplies to help and can’t then tell the kids things like “your dad doesn’t care/help” because they’d have seen for themselves. Like I said I would do it in this situation but whatever op wants to do is up to her.

Operating a policy of appeasement for fear of getting on her bad side would be pathetic, frankly.

Be nice - to what expense?

The OP time, mental health? financial expense, relationship with her DH? Her job?

It’s not about their mother, it’s about the children. Would I spend a bit of money and time to make kids I care about feel loved and supported? Absolutely. If that makes me pathetic then I’m fine with it.

But it isn’t to do with the shared kids, it’s nappies for her new baby. The baby has a mum and a dad and the step mum of their half siblings shouldn’t be responsible for buying the nappies.

But the more you do for some people, the bigger their demands get. The ex sounds like one of those people.

The baby is “not your problem” or responsibility. However it sounds like she is lacking a bit of support. You say she didn’t help when you had your dd but you are in a relationship and presumably have more support than her. She does sound a bit demanding though I have to agree. I would help out when possible but I wouldn’t just be dropping everything to help out when it doesn’t suit. Just say sorry I am not available.

Each to their own.

’But the children!’ is always trotted out to encourage women to fall into line and get dumped on. OP’s world doesn’t revolve around them any more than it does their mother. Not that ‘throw a big enough tantrum and I’ll do what you want like the doormat I was born to be’ is a particularly great example to set, anyway

If the mum is stressed out and struggling the kids will notice it. Like I said before as a one off it I can’t see the issue with it and I don’t think it’s op’s responsibility but I would do it because those kids have to live with her 50% of the time. If she is depressed and overstretched the children could end up neglected

I’m tired of this now it’s silly. I didn’t say op needed to follow what I said just simply that’s what I would do. If you want to live your lives being petty with your step children’s mothers cool for you.

You say she didn’t help when you had your dd but you are in a relationship and presumably have more support than her.

Single mums aren’t the only mums who deserve people to think about them and help them. And I say that as a single mum of 5 years.