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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
IJustCantDeal · 04/02/2025 00:18

I’d probably order her some nappies, wipes, Calpol or whatever so she should be well stocked and a supermarket gift card (I’m probably a doormat but would feel horrible otherwise) tell her you understand she’s struggling but make it clear she needs to manage these things herself in future. School runs wise she’ll have to find a way to manage unless your husband is willing to do it

Bowies · 04/02/2025 00:57

takeittakeit · 03/02/2025 20:58

OP - not your problem but the usual MN doubel standard that the EX is expected to have the SDCs more and do moreof the load when the EX has a new baby with new DP.

Same scenario.

It’s not a double standard, but what’s the point saying it to OP who has no relationship with the ex let alone the the ex’s ex.

The OP does have a relationship with her DH and it’s up to OP to put boundaries in for herself with him. As long as she’s blaming ex she’s making herself powerless.

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 01:14

Why is she texting your DH to ask for your help? She should be asking you .

Ineedcoffee2021 · 04/02/2025 02:05

I wouldnt be doing anything at all
Her baby, her responsibility. The kid has a father, she should be getting on him to help, not guilting OP and her DH into taking on more, paying more, being the taxi more

Snowy7 · 04/02/2025 02:11

DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

they are your DH's children. Maybe their dad should do one school runs then? Oh wait, is he working because you don't?

Of cause the DC have something to do with you. They are DC's children, they are your step kids.

I would have gone DC more whilst the mum gets to grip with the baby. They are probably affected and they should be your (or at least DH's) priority.

pineapplesundae · 04/02/2025 04:12

I would have to help her out for a few more months, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night. Have a heart.

BlueFlowers5 · 04/02/2025 04:56

There are three other adults in the picture, her DParents, her DEx, father of new infant. Your DH should let her know she does need to ask strongly one of them to step up for say 3-6 months.
They are her support circle. You aren't.

Hmm1234 · 04/02/2025 06:43

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Be nice your maybe the only people she can ask for help. Her health and mental stability will ultimately affect the children she shares with your new partner

WeightLoss2025 · 04/02/2025 06:47

pineapplesundae · 04/02/2025 04:12

I would have to help her out for a few more months, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night. Have a heart.

I genuinely feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone reading some of these batshit responses 🙄

ruethewhirl · 04/02/2025 07:05

WeightLoss2025 · 04/02/2025 06:47

I genuinely feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone reading some of these batshit responses 🙄

Show quote history

I know, right? OP is helping, she is having a heart, but so many people seem to think it's not enough... it's perplexing. 🤔Especially as, if OP and her DH take the older kids more, it will lean right into the ex's 'offloading' of them. I'm struggling to see why anyone would think that should be encouraged.

SemperIdem · 04/02/2025 07:13

Snowy7 · 04/02/2025 02:11

DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

they are your DH's children. Maybe their dad should do one school runs then? Oh wait, is he working because you don't?

Of cause the DC have something to do with you. They are DC's children, they are your step kids.

I would have gone DC more whilst the mum gets to grip with the baby. They are probably affected and they should be your (or at least DH's) priority.

If you’re going to be a snide arse when responding, at least read the op’s posts properly.

She works.

OneHardyMintZebra · 04/02/2025 07:19

ruethewhirl · 04/02/2025 07:05

I know, right? OP is helping, she is having a heart, but so many people seem to think it's not enough... it's perplexing. 🤔Especially as, if OP and her DH take the older kids more, it will lean right into the ex's 'offloading' of them. I'm struggling to see why anyone would think that should be encouraged.

Show quote history

Agree. OP set your boundaries- or tell your husband to seen as it’s actually him who she’s asking! You will help in an emergency: ie if she has to take the baby to an emergency health appointment and needs you to have the children because her parents etc are busy. Tell her to do some online shopping if she can’t get to the shops to buy nappies!
You clearly have a heart so ignore all the posts saying you should continue to help. You have your own young child and work. You need to look after yourself and your family. That isn’t being horrible. It’s not sustainable. Given that there’s so many posters on here saying that they would help, I am sure that her parents would be helping to with their grandchild- the father I am presuming is useless. So step back and let her figure it out! If there is a bigger reason as to why she is not managing then actually you doing everything for her isn’t helping in the long run.

Swiftie1878 · 04/02/2025 07:53

Most of her ‘asks’ are to do with your step kids (your DH’s children). They are a part of your family now too, so of course you should be stepping up if their mother is unable to care for them properly at the moment. After all, in theory, you could both have full custody and this wouldn’t even be a question.

Your suggestion that she should be asking her ex partner to help out with YOUR step kids is bizarre to me.
Although the requests to pick up nappies etc should certainly be directed at him and not you!

Woahtherehoney · 04/02/2025 07:59

Snowy7 · 04/02/2025 02:11

DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

they are your DH's children. Maybe their dad should do one school runs then? Oh wait, is he working because you don't?

Of cause the DC have something to do with you. They are DC's children, they are your step kids.

I would have gone DC more whilst the mum gets to grip with the baby. They are probably affected and they should be your (or at least DH's) priority.

Tell me you didn’t read the thread and just decided to be rude and sarcastic without telling me 🙄

OP has already said having to do school runs is taking her out of her way and making her late FOR WORK.

bexollie · 04/02/2025 08:12

Is this your husbands baby or her ex partners baby surely if it's not your husbands then it's not really your problem? I'd say it's his children with her he needs to help withfetching a few bits from the shop is fine now and then but the baby isn't his or your responsibility

supersop60 · 04/02/2025 08:12

Is the baby's father helping at all?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 04/02/2025 08:15

I would have the DSC more TBH, I’ll take any excuse to have my SS more though. I wouldn’t do grocery runs, but I might pick something up if it was easy enough to do (loaf of bread and the like) on the way to taking DSC back.

We have historically had a similar relationship with DH ex here so I do totally understand where you are. I have historically tried to take the view that I will do anything for SS directly, so I try really hard to be objective and think what’s best for him or affects him because, bottom line, that’s all that matters. If it makes his life easier or helps him then I will do it!

I am of the firm belief that as these children grow up they will understand and remember things and I would rather he remember we were there and did our best for him and never made their break up his problem.

ButterCrackers · 04/02/2025 08:17

When you had your baby OP did the exwife do more childcare for the kids she and your dh have together? Did she do your shopping and school runs?

WeightLoss2025 · 04/02/2025 08:30

Swiftie1878 · 04/02/2025 07:53

Most of her ‘asks’ are to do with your step kids (your DH’s children). They are a part of your family now too, so of course you should be stepping up if their mother is unable to care for them properly at the moment. After all, in theory, you could both have full custody and this wouldn’t even be a question.

Your suggestion that she should be asking her ex partner to help out with YOUR step kids is bizarre to me.
Although the requests to pick up nappies etc should certainly be directed at him and not you!

Your suggestion that she should be asking her ex partner to help out with YOUR step kids is bizarre to me

Why is that bizarre, but this woman asking her ex's partner for a ridiculous amount of help is not bizarre.

This whole fucking thread is bizarre!

OP, help in emergencies only if you still want to help... but you're not even obliged to do that.

ArtTheClown · 04/02/2025 09:24

There is a definite trend amongst some MNers that women can never be kind enough and never martyr themselves enough. Especially stepmothers.

Anything other than complete self-abasement and erasure of personal boundaries is monstrously selfish.

HarrietPierce · 04/02/2025 10:06

pineapplesundae · Today 04:12
"I would have to help her out for a few more months, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night. Have a heart."

Which could be when he's two if it was anything like mine. Crazy comment.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 04/02/2025 10:18

If you didn't mind doing it and it wasn't out of your way I'm sure you'd not have posted in here. But it sounds like you do feel she's taking advantage, and by default your dh is too. It's one thing helping out with your step kids but asking you to help out by running around after her baby is another. I'd not be doing this for her, firstly it's not your responsibility, secondly you have your own dc to look after.

Original poster
purplejeansandbiscoff · 04/02/2025 10:38

Sorry every time I've come on there have been loads of replies and I've not had chance yet to properly go through them all.

To answer some questions, no she never asks me directly and I don't even feel like she asks politely 99% of the time. For example if she says baby has a cold, can you pick DSC up tomorrow and take them to school because I'm shattered to DH and he says sorry he can't tomorrow as he's in work early, she'll just reply saying "well can purplejeans not help?" To me that isn't a respectful or even appreciative ask. She's always been like this, she doesn't see these things as a favour to her. Which imo they are when it's supposed to be her day. She's always been entitled like this.

DH went back to work pretty soon after I gave birth, I'd never have dreamt of asking her to pick me up nappies on the way to drop DSC off and she'd probably have thought me insane if I did.

When I say her ex partner should be helping I don't mean in the sense of taking DSC to school, I mean that he should be helping with the baby more so she isn't as tired so that she can take her own children to school, like plenty of new mums have to do up and down the country!

Anyway, I've decided enough is enough now. If I'm genuinely not going out of my way I'll do something, but I'm not doing anymore grocery stops or hobby pick ups on her nights that eat into my own evenings with my toddler. And I'm certainly done with rushing to my job in the mornings for school runs.

OP posts:
aspidernamedfluffy · 04/02/2025 10:41

I’d probably order her some nappies, wipes, Calpol or whatever so she should be well stocked and a supermarket gift card

Nope. Neither the OP or the Op's DH are responsible for supplying anything for the baby....that's the father's job. It's not for them to manage the other parent's failure to provide for HIS child.

OneHardyMintZebra · 04/02/2025 10:46

Swiftie1878 · 04/02/2025 07:53

Most of her ‘asks’ are to do with your step kids (your DH’s children). They are a part of your family now too, so of course you should be stepping up if their mother is unable to care for them properly at the moment. After all, in theory, you could both have full custody and this wouldn’t even be a question.

Your suggestion that she should be asking her ex partner to help out with YOUR step kids is bizarre to me.
Although the requests to pick up nappies etc should certainly be directed at him and not you!

The suggestion is that she asks her ex partner to help out with THEIR baby if she is too tired to do the school runs. That is not bizarre. You don’t have another baby and think oh the father of my older children will have to help me because I decided to have another baby and their father is doing fuck all!
That is not his problem. Or his new wife’s!
If she can’t manage the children she has then that’s another story and she needs services involved. But I suspect she is asking just because it makes her life easier. But in turn it is making the OP’s life a whole lot harder!! The SC living with the OP and her husband would actually probably make life easier but the ex isn’t asking that. So if she can manage their day to day care, I’m sure she can find a way to get them to school for half the week and walk to the shop to get some nappies! I had two babies on my own with a primary school aged child all during the week. So the ex has my sympathies as it’s hard work having a baby by yourself. But I managed. Just like a lot of mums still with a partner have to manage whilst said partner goes to work! It’s life.
And again you’re forgetting the other people who should be helping! Let the grandparents chip in with some school runs then and be late for work instead. The OP works part time. She shouldn’t be struggling to get to work on time the days she is in due to an unrelated child. And with a toddler in tow!