Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP - not your problem but the usual MN doubel standard that the EX is expected to have the SDCs more and do moreof the load when the EX has a new baby with new DP.

Same scenario.

OP didn’t marry her DHs ex or her DHs exs new ex though? This is their responsibility to sort.
The person OP married has arranged his life to cope with all he has to do. It’s the extra requests that are the problem, and I’m struggling to see why it’s OPs problem over and above the father of the baby and exs own parents.

Depends very much on what it is concerning. Not every issue has to be a team one.

A stepparent doesn’t become responsible for a stepchild upon marrying a parent. They may wish to assume responsibilities, but they in no way have to.

I'd help. Sometimes it's worth putting yourself out a bit for the benefit of the future. Helping her out here when she's struggling might completely change the dynamic you had previously and may end up being far more amicable all round, which can only benefit the children. That baby might be nothing to do with you, but it's your step kids sibling.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the situation that has been mentioned a few times in this thread where a mum in another thread had a baby in ICU. My mistake!

I'd help. Sometimes it's worth putting yourself out a bit for the benefit of the future. Helping her out here when she's struggling might completely change the dynamic you had previously and may end up being far more amicable all round, which can only benefit the children. That baby might be nothing to do with you, but it's your step kids sibling.

It might. Or it might create an ongoing expectation, and when OP puts boundaries in place further down the line, these could be met with anger and resentment.

No good deed goes unpunished.

She isn't asking DH, she's asking you as you are doing most of the child activities.

I see you are getting the judgmental view that you should help her. I bet if it was you expecting help then the MN judgement would be the opposite.

Your husband should be doing the extra school runs/activity pickups etc. see is shattered, and sleep-deprived, it’s in his interest for the safety of his children all round to drive his children to school rather than her drive when she’s utterly exhausted. Is he not approachable on the matter? Is he not stepping up more during this short period? If not, why not?
The outcomes of his own children are affected by the stance he takes now.

No the babies father should be stepping in and helping her with the baby so she can sleep. Or the baby’s maternal grandparents.
The OPs DH didn’t decide to have another baby, his ex did. What has that got to do with him?! Yes in an emergency if she needs help with their shared children, but he shouldn’t be expected to all of a sudden do all the school runs etc for an indefinite time. For couples who have a baby, the father often goes back to work after a few weeks. Who takes the kids to school then?! Oh yes the mother! The father doesn’t all of a sudden take on everything whilst working full time. So why is the expectation that this woman’s ex should do so, when he isn’t even father to the baby?! Madness

YANBU

OP’s DH’s ex is in a difficult position- but that is not OP’s problem to fix. It’s one thing to help in an emergency but I don’t think persistent last minute requests for school run/collecting children from hobbies to drop home to her or requests to collect nappies/groceries are on, actually. Especially if it makes OP run late for her own work or massively inconveniences her.

As an occasional thing- yes, absolutely help her out. However, that isn’t what OP is outlining, she’s suggesting regular short notice requests and it is beginning to negatively impact on her- that’s not reasonable regardless of whether this woman is one week, ten weeks or a year post partum. There’s being kind and then there’s kindness being taken advantage of, even if unintentional. OP is right, there are limits especially when the relationship isn’t amicable and they aren’t friends. DH’s ex does need to find alternative support- what will she do if OP or her DH genuinely cannot help out because they have other commitments? My guess is, she’d either manage just fine (I’ve certainly had to do school or nursery run on no sleep with a small baby- not fun, but goes with the territory) or she would be able to find someone to help. At the moment, OP and her DH are the default and they should not always be.

The baby’s father is around but works so apparently can’t help out. The ex-wife’s parents are nearby but can’t help because they work. But it’s fine to repeatedly expect OP and her DH to step in to bail her out- even though they also work? Nope. Her DH’s ex-wife needs to find alternative/additional sources is support. It can’t all fall to OP’s DH/her.

If she genuinely can’t cope, they maybe need to look at custody arrangements that reflect her ability to manage. They can be revisited when things are more stable.

So you think that the step mother should do the work not the fathers? How outdated is that! The dad can look after his baby as can the father’s family.

I'm not a stepmother, and I don't think they should be the support human for their partners' every vaguely-related-to-child; I've fully supported OP in this thread, too.
I also think that having a step-parent or being a step-parent, and having step-siblings or different half siblings (etc, add combinations) is a distinctly sub-optimal situation, and one I'd definitely try to avoid, if possible. That's a different thing.

Maybe for the next couple of months you should just offer to have the DSC for more than 50% of the time so that the school runs etc. are planned in.

It must be tough for those kids - everyone is prioritising the smaller half siblings, their jobs etc.

You are being very unreasonable if:

1. She doesn't have any other family or friends there.
2. The ex is gone and gone.

Her baby is literally a few weeks old. Cut her some slack. I have a 3 1/2 year old and I am a single parent, an immigrant mum too. I thank God that she is often at school but when she is home, my head is spinning half the time. I cannot even imagine what this lady is dealing with at the moment.

You may see them as seperate things but some including the pp I mentioned clearly do not.

Yes, she needs help. But it is not always going to be possible for OP’s DH or OP to provide that help. Nor should they have to be responsible for picking up her slack every single time. They have their own lives and household to run and it’s simply not reasonable for his ex-wife to always expect them to be able to step in and sort it for her, being 8weeks postpartum or not. She needs to rely on the baby’s father (op says he is involved but works so is busy), her parents (also nearby) too.

OP and her DH cannot be his ex-wife’s default support system every time. OP and her DH may not be able to change working hours or other plans at the last minute/ whenever the ex-wife decides she can’t do something for her DC. I couldn’t simply rearrange my working hours at short notice on multiple occasions (which is what would be needed if DH is to do school run in place of OP). I would not be allowed. As an occasional once off because my child is sick or something has come up? Yes, probably. Multiple times, at short notice (e.g. night before)? No, absolutely not. I might be able to rearrange my working hours as a permanent arrangement, but I couldn’t just chop and change at will, on little to no notice.

OP’s ex-wife is responsible for coming up with solutions during her custody time. How often do we hear it said that father’s need to be responsible for sorting out childcare during their custody time. I think same applies here- helping out on occasion is fine but expecting them to do it frequently is not ok.

I imagine she’d be pretty hacked off if OP’s DH unilaterally altered contact hours or responsibility or financial support (if he gives any). They have agreed custody arrangements, which OP and her DH have organised their lives around. Changes need to be workable for both parties, not just one. If she cannot cope with the custody arrangement in place, perhaps they’ll need to be revisited on a semi-permanent basis to allow OP’s DH/OP to manage in the medium term.

It’s amazing how everyone would love for a village to raise their children in till it takes effort to be that village for somebody else. Having a village, supporting people and showing up and creating that for the children who you are privileged enough to have in your life takes effort but it means something, it’s sad how closed off we’re encouraged to be and to only think of ourselves, that’s why we are all so lonely and unsupported.

Maybe for the next couple of months you should just offer to have the DSC for more than 50% of the time so that the school runs etc. are planned in.

It might not be easy for either the OP or her DH to change their working hours to to more of the school runs though. I mean sure, if the ex was hit by a bus or something they'd need to make a plan, but this situation is something she chose for herself.

You think OP is lucky this unrelated woman has had a baby? The baby has a mum, dad, definitely one and possibly two sets of grandparents. That’s a decent crack at a village even without OP putting herself out to buy nappies and take the older kids to school on their mum’s days.

You think OP’s child and her employer owe this woman and her new baby? Are they in the village too?

The ''village'' = women doing all of the work. No thanks.

It also doesn't work in this scenario anyway because the ex has never helped OP, in fact, they haven't had a great relationship at all in the past. She isn't OP's ''village'' and OP certainly isn't hers.

The ex does seem to be only thinking of herself.

No it'll be fine, OP can just click her fingers and make it happen. I'm waiting for someone to pipe up and harrange her for not being better prepared because she knew months in advance this baby was coming.

Incredible how good some people are at volunteering the OPs time for her from behind their keyboard and then pulling her apart when she won't jump to.

Yup. ISTR that the OP pointed out that her husband has organised his work hours around the days that he has custody of the SC. She's also stated that having to do a detour to pick up the SC on the extra days causes her to have to rush more than usual - not ideal.

🤣🤣 but of course, so she can get some sleep.

I'd probably offer to take the baby out for a half day, but I do love babies and won't be getting any more of my own so 🤷.

@purplejeansandbiscoff Just stepping away from the ex's baby issue for a second which I agree is ridiculous btw.
However from how you describe how much you're struggling to juggle all the children, it does sound like your husband has had more kids than he can handle! If he had 2 children already, then had another 2 with you, no wonder you're both struggling! Did this not occur to you when you decided to have another child? I understand that for you, it was only your second but not for him!
It always baffles me when stepmums moan about looking after their 2 DSC & say things like "We're struggling to look after our own kids as it is" (forgetting that DSC are their DH's own kids!) then go on to have a further 2/3 kids, disregarding that for DH, it's +2! So when DSC visit, they need to be squeezed in.

Anyway, I wouldn't begrudge helping a new mother out, especially if she's on her own. Only for the first few weeks though. After that it's taking the piss tbh.