Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Just say no OP. She's already asked for a lot of favours but now she's starting to take the piss. Tell your DP that he's free to do whatever he wants to/can but you have your kid and won't be catering to ex's needs (unless it's an emergency ofcourse).

No, she's not. The OP is not her family and is certainly not her friend.

So confused :/

I agree it shouldn’t fall to you at all and consider that’s the source of the resentment.

Your DH needs to step in if his DC need more support due to the situation, not put it on to you.
IMO he is the one handling it poorly by acting as a go-between and putting requests on to you, as if you are an extension of him, which you aren’t.

If you weren’t there and his DC needed him he would have to make a plan with work. That’s up to him to sort out as their DF.

Stop focussing on her, who as you say you have no relationship with and cannot have much influence on and focus on the source for you, which is the boundary you have with your DH.

This isn't their dad helping out though, this is their SM. I've at times done more for SDC than either of their parents and believe me they noticed that neither parent was stepping up. That's an extreme example but SM and DH are not the same person.

Yes, I remember that

But, she needs help. The OP and her dh can give it. Spite between adults, tit for tat, is only harmful to the baby.

I have the grand total of one (full) sibling snd zero cousins.
Getting to know DHs extended bun fight has been a trip (the step siblings - current and former - half singling half siblings half siblings on one side and the half siblings and step cousins and step cousins once removed on the other side)
My hair dresser might have a cousin 🤭

Don’t be dull! We know he’s there for his youngest he lives with his youngest full time for pity’s sake. Read the OP!

OP has said that she is working part time around caring for her DC. Why does making time for caring for her own DC mean her time is available to the ex? Members of ex's family and friendship circle are welcome to make financial sacrifices to prioritise childcare if they wish. OP already has childcare responsibilities of her own!

I've outlined my own experience in previous posts. I gave help when it was needed, in spite of the fact that I'd been badly treated. I lived to regret that.

From what the OP has said, her husband's ex has been less than accommodating previously. She and the ex do not have a good relationship. Nevertheless, the OP has been kind enough to help her out. The ex is continuing to push boundaries. For her own sake, the OP needs to put a stop to that now.

OP isn't her friend or her family.

Does she need help or does she want help?

A baby having a cold isn't a reason to ask for help, you just get on with it.

Asking to buy nappies etc is just CF behaviour.

So what? Youngest gets to have it rubbed in their face 50% of the time that they are bottom of the pile as far as Dad is concerned now that the golden children have arrived? Whoopee doo for youngest.
Nobody has to have a second or third child and certainly have no business doing so if they are going to crown the eldest their First Priority.

Why can’t the ex-partner be a father and also look after the wellbeing of his child’s mother. Simple. Perhaps the ex-partners family could step up and help. Why should the mother of a toddler and step parent and part time paid employment pick up the work of the child’s father?

She isn't wrong to ask for help. She is probably struggling and does not have much of a support network. There's no right or wrong thing to do. Some people would help, some people wouldn't. The choices we make in life say a lot about who we are. We can all help others when it is easy, very few people can help others when it requires some degree of personal sacrifice. I have one or two friends who I would say are truly selfless people, but honestly most people are not like that. If you don't feel you can help her out, then that's ok. But if you think you can, I'm sure she would be grateful.

My MIL helped out her ex-husband and his new wife when they had a newborn baby, because the ex-husband was busy working in a hospital and new wife was from abroad and had no family here. I was surprised when I learned this because it wasn't even an amicable split and MIL is definitely no pushover. She had a busy career, insecure home situation, kids of her own...but she is a good egg.

just do what you can do

It's depressing that no one seems at all interested in the experience of the second children. For example, for mine it has been very emotionally difficult having siblings who leave for half the time. I've raised SDC since a young age and know they don't experience that sense of loss on a weekly basis. They are 'first' in both households and have been from an early age. That's partly why I'm reminding posters that OP also has a toddler she is raising.

I’m not suggesting stepmum should do it. Defo should be dad.

I could never imagine being as cold as this. I just wouldn't be able to. New borns are hard and the SDC need supporting. When you marry a man with children you take them on too. OP knew her DH had kids. She deserves some help. DH is still their Father and if Mum can't be there for them, then the child's Father must step up. No it's not his problem, but his DC are his problem. Baby is only 8 weeks. It's early days. Ex-wife has had two other kids, she'll cope. I would agree buying her shopping is a bit too much, but DH could have his DC a bit more for a month or two to lift the pressure off their Mum and prevent her becoming unwell, the last thing you need is her developing PND that can go on for a long time and the SDC will be really affected by it. Id give her a bit more time personally. The babies Dad will start having it I expect when he/she isn't so little. I'd see it as temporary. It might even improve the relationship between you all, it could make things easier in the future.

I find it quite the optimum temperature, but to each their own.

No, you don’t ’take on’ stepchildren as any type of responsibility if you do not wish to. Certainly not a responsibility that is greater than that of the actual parents.

The DH isn’t being expected to ‘step up’ - OP is, and that’s the issue. That this woman chose to have another baby and is now struggling is not a problem OP is in any way required to solve. She could always try hitting up the actual father.

The baby also has family members who can give her/his mum help. Not rely on mums ex and his new partner who have nothing to do with the baby. It’s not about spite otherwise they would’ve have said no from the beginning! But boundaries need to be set unless the OP is happy to carry on as they are which she clearly isn’t. She shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.
If there is no one to help the mum, then she should contact early help or somewhere to support her with whatever she is struggling with right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if actually she isn’t struggling and it’s just far easier asking the OP and her DH to do all the running around for her

Because she married him. They are a team. If your partner can't cope with all they have to do, don't you offer help?

I’m assuming you are talking about my response to someone else about a stepmums post. I have not seen the post. I can only speculate. If the father and step mother really have 50/50 contact with children then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask the mother to Have the children more often. Even though the role of a father is entirely different to the role of a mother in the newborn stage and I’m assuming this woman’s husband had not left her on her own so it’s not comparable.

I didn’t suggest one was more in need of support than the other. One has support. The other doesn’t.

I mean, so could you. You’re as obliged to offer her help as OP is.

None of this is her problem.