Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

DH should probably have a conversation with her and offer to have the kids a bit more for now. If he has to make arrangements with work then so be it. If she would normally take the children to school on a daily basis then it’s his turn for a bit. It can’t be just you that’s made late for work or going out if your way.
The odd request for bits from the shop isn’t a problem but if it’s all the time then she’s taking the piss.

My DH has half siblings who have half siblings who have half siblings (this is the limit of my knowledge, there may well be more in the chain, who can say?).

What about your cousin’s hairdresser’s SIL? 😜

To be fair she isn’t actually asking for help with the newborn. She’s asking your DP to help with the care of his own child because she temporarily finds she is unable to provide the child with adequate care by herself. It wouldn’t matter if she had broken her leg, developed an illness, has had a baby whatever. It’s the same deal. When you have children as your DP did before meeting you, you have to ensure their needs are properly met. That means collecting from nursery etc etc. I can see it seems unfair as you might say the mum created this problem by having another child. Nevertheless it is what it is and the childs welfare always comes first. If she can’t then he must. If he’s too busy and is putting on you then he must reduce his working hours and take an adjustment in income accordingly. His first responsibility is to his first child. Before you and even before your toddler I’m afraid- as your toddler has you to give them your full attention. Your toddler is therefore better off by comparison.

Amazing how many people can't understand the situation! The ex's baby is not the child of the OP's husband, the father is some bloke who has pushed off and seems to be getting off better than anyone else!

His first responsibility is to his first child. Before you and even before your toddler I’m afraid

I’ve heard it all now

I’d guess that that’s because dads usually spend less time with their children than mums. I’m always sceptical of these “50/50” arrangements, how can that feasibly work? I’ve known people say they have their kids 50% of the time when actually it’s no where near that. So a dad who only sees his kids at weekends wanting the weekend off because he has a new baby is slightly different than a mum who needs a break with a new baby. Children are less likely to feel pushed out when it’s the resident parent.

Tell her no. Use the same phrases that she uses - Too tired etc. Tell her that it doesn’t fit in with your working hours. She can manage.

This thread was fun for a bit (all the usual nonsense trotted out) but it's getting a stressful now.

I don't know why the pleas for OP to think about the SDC's 'welfare' and doing this for their sake etc. Their mum has asked OP to take her kids to school because her baby has a cold and she is hoping OP will do the school run for her. Amidst a range of other cheeky requests for totally non urgent, non welfare-at-risk type stuff.

Basically, what it comes down to is that many posters think that OP should just go out of her way to do a range of random favours for no good reason because DP's ex wants her to, and it's more convenient for her if her ex's wife does annoying things like school runs and buying stuff.

Nowhere is there any indication that any of this will have any positive benefit for the DSC. If anything, it's a bit crap for them if too much gets passed over to OP.

If there was an actual emergency and I was in your situation OP, of course I'd help. But this is not that by a long stretch - nor has the ex claimed it is an emergency! She is chancing it for an easier life and for some reason OP is being bothered with this.

Unless there is a real emergency Id set a boundary here OP. This woman will inconvenience you out of your own time with your toddler just to make her life a bit easier, it sounds like.

Don't waste your time doing her random favours that benefit no one but her, while everyone else is put out.

You don't think it might be upsetting for the ex's older DC that their mum suddenly wants to see less of them? I agree it shouldn't be on OP to pick up the slack, it's between the parents - but the ex shouldn't just abdicate her parenting responsibilities towards her older DC either.

I do get why everyone is saying all this, though - I think the one poster talking about "shacking up" with a man with kids has shed some light on this.

I think that a lot of people simply would not consider being a stepmother, as doing so requires a generosity of spirit and heart that most people do not have within them. So if anyone hears a step mum not wanting to take on even more - it's suddenly all "oh but you're so generous you should be so generous to everyone you must serve everyone endlessly forever you must indeed suffer for your generosity hahah not so generous now are we stepmother?"

It's either that, or just total ignorance to how stepfamilies actually work (you can put her wants/ her children first forever but that doesn't guarantee she won't make huge life choices with no consideration for your children - indeed why should she consider them I hear you ask?), or everyone just hates stepmothers for some other mysterious reason. I wish I knew! It's madness

Note I said 'i'
I was talking about myself

Sorry you owe her nothing. She is nothing to do with you and the only connection between your husband and her now are the children they had together. He owes her nothing either. I may sound hard but when my son was 6 mths old my husband left me and I then went back to work full time with virtually no help from anyone. It was very difficult but I did it because I had to.

Could you have DSC an extra day per week until baby is 6 months old and say no to the ad hoc/short notice help and no shopping for them.

Sorry but she’s family and her child is your child’s siblings half sibling

If you mean the baby, no it isn't. It's not related to OPs child at all.

Wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't shacked up with a man with kids. As you have, I think you need to facilitate him helping the mother of his first round of kids.

OP presumably knew this and signed up for it. She didn't sign up for helping every entirely unrelated baby the woman decides to pop out forever more though.

@Lulabellez you are now completely speculating/making up excuses about why a mum with a baby who one day had a cold is more in need of support than a mum with a newborn in ICU, simply based on the fact that one is a stepmother. I'll say it again - madness!

There was an almost identical post last year here...

It doesn't matter that dh and ex don't get along;
that the ex's child us not related to you or your dh;
and it's not the ex's problem to sort.
It's about a baby and the mum clearly needs help.
The baby is related to the dh's children, so is family. Put should aside and help. Discuss with dh what you can do then discuss with the ex and offer suggestions.

To be fair she isn’t actually asking for help with the newborn. She’s asking your DP to help with the care of his own child because she temporarily finds she is unable to provide the child with adequate care by herself. It wouldn’t matter if she had broken her leg, developed an illness, has had a baby whatever

Just wait until it's the second wife in that position though. Then there's no excuses. You'll have those children on those designated days, and no excuses, even if your own newborn is unwell in NICU. Otherwise you're an evil stepmother. Yes this was an actual thread on here.

Thank you for coming here to post this. People have lost their sense of humanity.

Repulsive attitude.
I’ll just tell my youngest to sod off then, he’s a highly inconvenient toddler and I have a more important child to look after 😒

I agree with all of this.

To say that that my late husband's ex behaved badly towards me is an understatement. I'll not take up time listing it all here.

However, she lost her affair partner and then her next partner.

We'd been guilted into including the ex in any meals that we had with the kids: "Mum's on her own." [She never was. She always seemed to have another man lined up, whether the kids were aware or not. She's currently with her 4th.] There was no reciprocation. Indeed, she cleverly manipulated situations so that DH was excluded from family events.

I was my husband's carer and had helped out when the ex had a day procedure and there was no sign of the kids stepping up. She had two kids, a DIL and an adult grandchild. The DIL told me that she couldn't do it because of a family situation that she had and the daughter and granddaughter went quiet.

At a great deal of inconvenience to myself I transported the ex to and from the hospital. I subsequently found out that she'd put my name down as next of kin at the hospital.

The DIL suggested that the ex move closer to her son and DIL. A viewing of a retirement flat was agreed. The ex went on holiday to her son's, but then refused to view the flat. (By then, she was in her next relationship.)

She later told a mutual friend that she'd rather stay close to me and my husband. At this point, I told my husband to be clear that I would never agree to be his ex's carer.

Not really. We don't know that the ex in question is going through what PP is going through, nor that she is in any way appreciative of OP helping her out.

His first responsibility is to his first child. Before you and even before your toddler I’m afraid- as your toddler has you to give them your full attention. Your toddler is therefore better off by comparison.

😂this is certainly... a take.

Agreed.
If a woman posted that she had a baby and her partner walked out/was abusive/whatever and asked for advice she'd be directed to friends/family for support...she's doing that, no?

It depends. Their dad helping more with school runs definitely won’t make them feel pushed out. If she normally has the children the majority of the time, a few extra days at their dad’s won’t hurt. Especially if it’s explained to them that their mum is gona be pretty boring right now as she’s exhausted. Even if he just comes to take them to the park a bit in the day time.