Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

If she wasn't nice with you, I wouldn't do it. Or maybe once or twice, but not as a habit. And asking your husband if YOU could do something for the kids is disrespectful. If she wants your help, she should have developped a good relationship with you and ask you for favors directly. You have your child to deal with and you didn't rely on her. Toddlers are also challenging.
Looks like she found those who are willing to help (unlike her ex or parents) and learned to rely on you. And once she gets used to it, she probably won't stop.

Whether you like to see it or not, it’s the truth. OP has zero responsibility for any of this woman’s children, and any parental role she assumes for her stepchildren is entirely at her discretion.

It is certainly a big ask to expect a stepparent to not just accept responsibility for stepchildren, but to accept more than the actual parents.

The mum can go get nappies after dropping HER children off at school on HER half of contact time.

The baby is 8 weeks old, it's her third child, she isn't new hands, she has the father of HER new baby, HER parents and HER friends to ask before ops husband and op who do 50% of the shared children's care already.

She wouldnt be in this "mess" if her husbands ex hadnt got knocked up and split up 🙄

Yep, in a few years she'll be asking op to swing by in the morning on her way to work to pick up her toddler and drop them off at nursery, and then eventually school!
Because, be kind 😂

Extra help outside of the children are if you want to, not because you’re expected to. Things like grocery shopping etc she can facilitate herself. There are many single mums out there who just have to get on with it themselves and don’t ask their ex and his partner to run errands. Your DH is not her DH anymore so she can’t expect him to fill that void.

Your partner is the one who should be stepping in to help out with his children more if she’s struggling with childcare. His obligation is to his children, so if that means taking them an extra day to ensure they’re cared for, then so be it. But not to expect you to do it all.

There’s this weird attitude on Mumsnet sometimes that the stepmum needs to go above and beyond, more than anyone else.

There need be no mess so long as you know your own boundaries and stick to them.
Op has her own child to look after, that child is her priority and then she helps her husband when he has his older children during their 50% of contact time, although it sounds as if ops husband has been responsible enough to arrange his working days to accommodate school drop offs on his time accordingly which is good to see.
Op has no parental responsibility for her husbands children with his ex, what she does now is more than fair and kind 😉
She has no responsibility towards her ops ex or her third baby, none.

Well, doesn't she have neighboors?

Taking the children on additional days is a "big ask" when it's taking the OP out of her way and forcing her to hurry during rush hour.

But I think the issue is OP and DH both work and have a younger child. They have step children 50% of the time and on those days have arranged their work around school drops off/ pick ups.

This baby has a father, and the ex has parents who live locally. They need to step up.

The ex wife only has her children 50% of the time. So half of the time, it's just her and the baby.

I think part of the issue seems to be around her lack of organisation (running out of nappies, milk etc.)

I would add that she would ask Jane directly, not through her husband.

I get where you are coming from but for little while longer keep helping, its nice to be that kind caring person.

Her child’s half siblings are half siblings of this baby they are all related it’s nit the childrens fault it’s messy. Act like family and help each other.

You need to stop this, she is taking the piss.

I've found this thread fascinating. The consensus being that you as stepmum should be helping out the ex is just incredible. I might do this once or twice but I think you are entirely correct OP that she is not your problem. I say it on so many threads but step mums cannot do right. It's crazy to me that you should be expected to help her with her child, that has nothing to do with you, when crucially she has other family to support her. No one else would be expected to do this but the step mum should just put up with it and do it.

The children are related and that's where it ends. OP has no responsibility to the ex or her new baby and they aren't even slightly related.

It also isn't about helping each other, it's all one way.

She definitely won't be wanting to return any favours. I think we have all lived long enough to know how this type of scenario plays out, sadly.
It's a one way street as per usual where the OP will do all the running around for DH and the ex with new baby.
There will be no thanks in the end and probably lots of blame for who knows what in the future.
Having lived this for a long time I feel for u OP. You see red flags popping up and that's why u posted on Mumsnet.
She's looking for a support network and someone to carry the load for her. I mean the picking up nappies etc etc is just ridiculous in the day and age of supermarket deliveries and Amazon. She will live her chaotic life with lots of drama. It costs DH nothing for u to be run ragged and will appear the good guy.
You are right not to want involved.
I live this. I've learnt lessons the very hard way.
Pass the batton back to ur husband and let him support her. Occasional help here or there but don't let a pattern form.
Honestly if she's like the person I'm thinking of, take an almighty step back and make the boundaries VERY clear with DH.

As we know, one must always consider the needs of our child's sibling's half sibling (who we or our child may never indeed meet)

I personally wouldn’t be doing any of what you’ve been doing. I get what other people are saying, it is lovely and kind to offer help. But it really isn’t your problem. In an emergency for your SC, yes I would help but not on a regular basis.
She may also come to rely on you- sounds like she already is if she’s not asking the father or her own parents to help out. You and your DH work, just as they do so it is absolutely not your responsibility. Especially doing errands! I wouldn’t dream of asking my ex or my ex’s partner unless we were friends. Even then again, I would only ask if it was related to our shared children.
I say this as a single mother of 3 with very little support so I’m not being horrible to her. Sounds like she’s struggling though, but her family and the dad need to step up and help. Maybe they would if you weren’t already doing it.

So what? The ex still isn’t the op’s family.

What a mess. Wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't shacked up with a man with kids. As you have, I think you need to facilitate him helping the mother of his first round of kids. If he can't because he is working to support your family unit, as a team, you should step up.

@CindereIIa i think you win the prize for “comedy post of the week”

I’m sure “step cousins” will get brought into this sooner or later (does anyone remember that from last year?)

My DH has half siblings who have half siblings who have half siblings (this is the limit of my knowledge, there may well be more in the chain, who can say?).
I’ve met the half siblings half siblings (DH former step siblings) once at BILs wedding. The half siblings half siblings half siblings I only know exist, not the foggiest about names/ages/faces.
All this to say that a line has to be drawn somewhere in the definition of “family”, and the family whose doors the ex should be knocking on are her baby’s other parent and her own parents. They are her family.
If it’s too much for them to be inconvenienced by helping her then it’s certainly too much for her baby’s half siblings half siblings mother to have to take the hit and be late for work etc.
It was nice of OP to help, but some people will take a “saftness for a daftness” as my Gran used to say about her CF relatives.

I was this ex.

I was struggling hugely with the new baby, and the breakdown of a relationship (both things very difficult in themselves let alone combined). As well as caring for my other children. I was in grief and my whole life had turned upside down.

I'm forever grateful that my other ex (my elder children's father) and his partner helped me out.

Genuinely incredible that most people seem to think you should be the one picking up the slack instead of, you know, the baby's actual father?

So what if he's an ex, he should be the one looking after his child and getting nappies, not your other ex's partner!

And her parents are nearby but work M-F, so what? They can still pick up nappies on the way back from work and drop in for a couple of hours to help.