Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Oh no but I mean her ex (OP’s DH) would be well placed to be understanding in this situation and take their joint kids more.

Would you be saying this if OP and her DH had a new baby and OP wanted space away from the older kids while she has a new baby? The older kids’ mum could have the kids more to make OP’s life easier.

These things are so one sided. One woman is expected to prop the other up but never the other way around. In that case I say a big fuck that.

8 weeks
In some women, lochia hasn't even finished by that point.

What happens in the early weeks after a delivery does not have to set unbreakable expectations of particular form of help. And I don't think you have to like someone to help them.

I'd help for now (as I said early on in the thread, more with the DSC, rather than all the general errands) and review when some more weeks have passed, and the days are stretching towards proper spring.

I’d be more concerned about why your husband can’t do school runs for his own child? It’s nice you can help, but the care of your step child should be coming from your husband more than you

I love some of these comments and I was delighted to see the ‘it takes a village’ trope wheeled out!

As previously mentioned, I wouldn’t even entertain helping out. It’s ridiculous. You’re working, she’s sat at home doing nothing. I’ve raised babies, and you get yourself and them dressed and you go to the shop, or you do the school run.

I am looking forward to a future post where you’ve asked the ex wife to drop your toddler off at nursery, or perhaps you could ask her to grab you a bottle of wine from the store and pop it over to the house on Friday , to help you relax at the the end of a long working week of looking after and running her kids around.

I also don’t think your husband should keep helping in this manner. He does enough and works. She’s taking the piss. Just say no.

He already does, op said on their half of the time (50/50) he has arranged his work for him to be able to drop the children off at school so he is doing his fair share already.

So? That doesn't stop you from ordering some nappies from Amazon or doing the school run. Life continues when you've had a baby, especially when it isn't your first.

This has been going on for 2 months now, not weeks and it has to stop eventually. Now seems like a good time so OP can set boundaries and not be taken advantage of.

Babies don't melt in bad weather, it will be fine.

What do you think the rest of us do?! 😂

@SouthLondonMum22 Totally agree. And also if that baby is going to be used as a reason then they will always be "just" something that means the OP needs to put herself out. Just six months and teething, just two and prone to tantrums, just starting school. When if ever is the OP allowed to draw the line.

In regards to asking for help when it comes to Nappies, formula and things for the new baby then I don’t believe you should be doing those things and yes she should be asking her new babies father for help.

should your partner be helping her with HIS CHILD? Absolutely. Whether that’s a school run, picking them up from after school activities. Anything to do with his child, he should be doing if she asks and he is able. Should you? If you want to and are that type of stepmom, and it makes life easier, why not.

I don’t think she’s is being unreasonable when it comes to asking for help with THEIR child.

Sorry but she’s family and her child is your child’s siblings half sibling, it’s messy but set a good example to your children of how to put family first you’ll be glad you did when they’ve grown up and value family.

She isn't family at all.

OP can also set the example that you don't allow people to walk all over you and take advantage of you.

This

Fuck me, how is that the posters preaching the virtues of ‘Be Kind’ somehow manage to make it as attractive a proposition as shooting yourself in the face?

The PR is dreadful.

She’s not OP’s family. Her child is nothing to do with OP, and allowing herself to be treated as a fucking mug doesn’t set anything close to a good example to anyone.

A baby having a cold isn't a reason not to pick your children up from school, a child in hospital would be. Agree with others that she can shop online. It's not your fault her relationship with the babies father failed. He's still the father and should be helping look after baby and doing shopping

Yup. Where does it end?

OP has already been helping out, in spite of the fact that - according to her - the ex is demanding and they've never had a good relationship. There are other people who should or could be helping out - the baby's father and its grandparents.

It sounds as though the OP is being asked to do everything because she's conveniently close and has been reasonably amenable.

As I've indicated previously, my experience is that if you keep putting yourself last "for the sake of the family" you finish up having your good nature abused.

What a mess. Wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't shacked up with a man with kids. As you have, I think you need to facilitate him helping the mother of his first round of kids. If he can't because he is working to support your family unit, as a team, you should step up. You may end up with them full time, and that is something you will have to accept.
All these complications though are why I don't recommend settling for anyone who already has kids.

I'd help out here and there as I'm a very fair person and try to never let kids see any arguing at all but she's taking the piss. She only has one baby and it's not your problem at all she picked a useless partner to have a baby with. If you don't choose wisely and marry someone that's going to always be there for you and your children, this is the result and she's done it twice. You have to put your big girl pants on and not pass the responsibilities off on someone else. Especially when your husband is doing right by her as is. I say this as someone who's been in this position as well! I asked nobody for anything and I accepted that it was now my job alone.

It doesn’t end, and I think that’s the point. Just keep trotting out ‘be kind’ and rolling over the doormats.

The thing is, people pleasers aren’t ever actually appreciated any more than they’re respected. They’re also rarely liked for anything other than how easy a mark they are.

For all the claims about ‘well you’ll be glad you did it!’, I’ve seen far more people people end up being deeply regretful for allowing themselves to be walked over.

Presumably the mother wouldn’t be in this situation if she hasn’t decided to have a third child. That she did and is, isn’t OP’s problem.

Op doesn’t have to accept anything she doesn’t want to, and she is no way needs to ‘step up’ in lieu of her DH or, you know, this kid’s father.

OP wouldn’t be in this situation if her husband’s ex wasn’t such a cheeky fucker expecting her ex husband’s wife to go out and buy nappies. What a mess indeed.

She isn’t family to the op, what on earth are you talking about.

I don't think anyone has ever lay on their death bed and thought "oh I'm so glad I ran myself into the ground for other people" or "my one regret is that I didn't do that more".

I'm starting to think that some of these posters who are arguing so vocally for the OP to run around on behalf of this woman wouldn't be above a bit of CFery themselves.

I don't think this is as easy as you are or are not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want to be running errands for my husband's ex for sure, especially when things haven't been on the best of terms.
But honestly I have trouble with seeing step children in a family as someone else's responsibility. I think when you partner with someone with children you should expect to take those children on too.
So if this woman is asking you to care for your step child more and take them to school, that isn't a big ask. It should be something you and your husband are doing willingly. Because it's that DSC's welfare that matters. And that child's responsibility falls on your husband and by choice, you too.

To be honest, cut back on favours, she can do an online shop or get Amazon to deliver the same day.
You could have the children a little more, to help out, for a while.

However my thoughts and views might be coloured by my husbands ex wife who told us she had always lied about her earnings, had done lots of private well paid consultancy work, which she didn’t declare, to get more child support than she ever would have.

We didn’t begrudge her the money, but she is a nasty bissom 😂😂

And I wouldn’t like to hear that this woman laughs about taking advantage of you in the future.

@purplejeansandbiscoff the fact she is asking your DH for something you end up doing? No. Especially when she hasn’t helped you. Unless there is something you and she could agree where she does X and you do Y.