Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Fuck that, if you don’t have a good relationship with her where you actually want to help, then I certainly wouldn’t be doing it.

Presumably she chose to have a baby so her and the father need to sort it out. Your DH has their joint kids 50% of the time and it’s her responsibility to get them to school when it’s her time.

Or maybe I’m just biased as my partner’s ex is satan’s spawn.

Presumably the ex knew what a new baby was like. It's not your responsibility to do her school runs or supply nappies and groceries for a child she had with another man. I might think differently if she had previously been helpful or pleasant. You should not jeopardise your job by running the risk of being late either.

All too true, sadly!

Oh no but I mean her ex (OP’s DH) would be well placed to be understanding in this situation and take their joint kids more.

Just like, as I said, one parent might help the other if they had a very busy period at work.

That one line from my earlier post reads very differently out of the context of the whole post!

If I read that thread I wouldn’t have been with the majority as your report it!

Theres always got to be a bit of give and take between separated parents if at all possible.

It shouldn’t be all one way of course - but if the Mum made allowances for the step mum there, she might have found she’d built up some helpful good will!

I don’t think the OP should ever be late to work to help - I think her husband should help if he can reasonably do so.

My guess is op and ex are her only option so if she wasn't in good terms with them and now she is reaching out to them , she really needs help.This is not her first baby but it is the first baby as a single mom. Also,op knew that dh has two children from previous marriage and she knew what she is getting into,an extended family. And it feels like she is looking at her husbands children as a burden. Whatever the case is, it is nice to help others in need especially moms with newborns, and no need for sarcasm, nobody says she shoul help forever.. we all know newborn phase is just a fraction of time and it will pass soon, so she can reassess the situation in 3 or 6 months. Right now help the mom,does matter if she's your cousin sister neighbour or a stranger...

@Mlamla it’s the mum the op is seeing as a burden, not the children. That is quite obvious.

Nope, absolutely not. Shes got some fucking cheek tbh.

Sure, having a baby is tough going, but she should have thought of that before having this new child. It's absolutely not your problem... particularly as you aren't even friendly or close.

Tell her to get her ass out of bed and get her children to school. Or get an actually friend or the father to do it for her. Or agree that you and your DH have more custody and she can pay child maintenance.

CF 🙄

OP and her DH already look after his children 50% of the time, and she has said nothing to suggest she doesn't want to do that. DH arranges his time so that he is able to do the school run when the children are due to be there, but can't on these extra occasions, which is why OP has had to do it (and so be late for work sometimes). She has also been asked to drop off supplies.

The baby is now 2 months old, and OP is asking if she is reasonable to stop - or 'reassess' if you like. That seems reasonable to me - especially as there should be the infant's father and grandparents available who could also help the mother.

Again, I'll point out that being too kind to others can come back and bite you on the bum.

I tried to be as helpful as possible when my husband's ex lost her partner. (This wasn't her Affair Partner: she was unlucky - the AP died suddenly and then she lost the next partner to a terminal illness.)

I'd already spent all my married life trying to be accommodating so as to try to make things easier for my husband in relationship to his kids (who were adults and had already left home before he left his first wife in response to her adultery).

I'll not go into everything here, but when my husband died I found myself in the bizarre position of being treated as though I were some kind of junior wife. DH and I were married for 27 yrs and together for more than 30.

Fortunately, my husband had named me in his will as executor. I was "kind" when it came to the funeral. I later wished that I hadn't been.

The ex was dropped off and picked up at the funeral by her 4th partner. A few days later, she appeared on my doorstep (this was during lockdown) trying to persuade me to scatter my husband's ashes in a place of her choosing.

and the ex isn't looking at her own children as a burden? Just OP? Ok then.

It's also absolutely fine to not want to help someone you don't particularly like, not to mention want to get to work on time.

Baby is 2 months old, not 2 days old. Ex needs to get on with it.

DH needs to be prepared to manage his own child 100% of the time if necessary. Mums do it all the time.
It's a bit pathetic all round that between 4 adults, they can't manage to get a child to school without squabbling.

Ok then let me say it differently- they both are looking at his children as a burden. I don't think it's fine to refuse to help someone in need particularly just because you don't get along with the person. That being said- to each their own but at the end of the day, it is nice and kind to help, it will be meaningless to OP but could mean the world to the mother, baby and the other two children.

Of course it is, especially if you don't want that person to walk all over you and especially if you have other responsibilities such as getting to work on time.

It sounds like OP has helped for 2 months. That's is kind and it's more than enough.

It is of course good to help. That doesn't mean that there shouldn't be sensible limitations.

It won't be meaningless to OP, her child, her DH or dare I say it her stepchildren should she lose her job for being persistently late ...

DH needs to be prepared to manage his own child 100% of the time if necessary.

Child support will need to be recalculated in which case. You're hopefully not suggesting that the ex takes zero responsibility for her own children.

Oh sure, tell us about all the people you don't like, that aren't relatives, that you've put yourself out for day after day then.

Women dont exist the plaster up the cracks made by shit men who don't step up for their own kids. This is her exs job, or did you think his penis was a get out of jail free card?

Agree.
Its been horrible weather and the baby's only 8 months.
I think it will help your family relationship going forward to give her a little lee way now.
Your DH could step up more. And could suggest organising online shops etc...
You can always pull back if it becomes too much once she's got used to the new baby.
I think a bit of help now might pay you dividends... and she will know it.

Being a big blended family is all fine and dandy, but not when all the help and consideration is going only one way.

@WearyAuldWumman You've got a good point there. And normally I can't abide CF's but I just thought reading this, that a bit of lee way and help at a very difficult time for them, might help to really improve the family relationship. If she's not an out and out cf, she might start to think about who gave her a hand when she really needed it.
But you are right, they can't let her take it too far for too long.

I’m not persuaded that what you do in the first few weeks of a baby’s life is inherently and irreversibly going to set a pattern for onwards arrangements.

His children are the responsibility, or indeed burden, of their actual parents. OP is neither their mother nor father, and it’s not meaningless for her to not get dumped on because ‘be kind!’.

Her being in need isn’t OP’s problem to solve, or care about at all tbh. If she’s struggling with the baby then she can text the father.

There's more to it than the period of time from the baby's birth.

The baby is 2 months old. It's been more than a few weeks.

It can do if the ex is all about taking and not doing any of the giving herself.