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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be apprehensive about this

106 replies

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 12:39

So my ex left me for another woman a few months ago and he has just asked me to send a picture of the children’s passports as he is taking them on holiday with her and the grandparents. The children are 4 and 7 and I have never ever met this woman. I want them to go and have a good time and he questioned who I was punishing here.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2025 12:42

The children's grandparents, right? I can see why you don't like it but presumably you don't have any concerns that he's going to permanently remove the children from the country?

The concern is just around the fact you haven't met the new girlfriend? I'm afraid you're going to have to suck that one up. Everyone will say it's too soon, but also that you can't dictate your ex's schedule. That's why he's your ex.

Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 12:46

Is it not irresponsible of me though?

OP posts:
Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 12:52

Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2025 12:42

The children's grandparents, right? I can see why you don't like it but presumably you don't have any concerns that he's going to permanently remove the children from the country?

The concern is just around the fact you haven't met the new girlfriend? I'm afraid you're going to have to suck that one up. Everyone will say it's too soon, but also that you can't dictate your ex's schedule. That's why he's your ex.

Yes it is the children’s grandparents.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 02/02/2025 12:52

No experience of this, but aren't you entitled to meet the people your children will be spending time with? I'd've thought that's a basic element.

Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2025 12:53

Irresponsible of YOU how? He's the children's other parent, isn't he? If anyone is being irresponsible here, it's him. But the kids will be with him and their grandparents too. I can see why you think it's far too soon, especially given the circumstances, but you can't dictate his choices on the matter of when to introduce new partners no matter how prematurely.

Is she willing to meet you? Do you even want to meet her?

missddwh · 02/02/2025 12:54

I completely understand why you'd be worried and a bit apprehensive about it! I'm a step mum and my partners ex has introduced his children to so many men over the past few years, she literally jumps from man to man and I can see that it affects the children as they don't know whos in and out of their life. My partner has had to put his foot down now and has asked her to not introduce the children to men straight away until she's sure that it's something serious. Not only this but you don't know this person and your children are your pride and joy, it's scary to think they will be with someone who you have no clue about.

Just explain your concerns to him and say it would be lovely to know a bit about his new girlfriend and ask to either speak on the phone with her or even have a quick meet on the next exchange or the children. The good thing is your children are at the age where they can tell you if they have any concerns so that should reassure you a bit more.

It's nice to see that you want them to go and have a good time because some parents can spite the kids in order to get back at their ex.

So no I don't think you're being unreasonable I think you're just a loving and worried mum! Xx

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 02/02/2025 12:55

I don't understand. You say you want them to go and have a good time so what's the problem?

TheBoysAndTheBallet · 02/02/2025 12:56

Itiswhysofew · 02/02/2025 12:52

No experience of this, but aren't you entitled to meet the people your children will be spending time with? I'd've thought that's a basic element.

Presumably she has already met 3 out of the 4 adults the children will be on holiday with.

Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 12:58

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 02/02/2025 12:55

I don't understand. You say you want them to go and have a good time so what's the problem?

I just don’t know who this woman is and I suppose I don’t need to, I just feel like it is moving a bit fast and I wouldn’t do that but I suppose we are all different. The kids have been through a lot and of course I know they will be safe with their grandparents. Just a bit of a shock that’s all, I have sent the passports. He also said that the kids don’t get a choice about going he is their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:03

For some reason ex MIL won’t answer my messages. I think she has fallen out with me but I don’t know what I have done wrong

OP posts:
JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 13:13

I haven't been in your position but dh and I agreed that if we ever separated (we have a few couple friends who have) then we would both want to meet the new partner before they were around the dc. I think that's quite common?
Doesn't have to be a big deal. Just pop in and say hello at pick up/ drop off.

Have you asked your ex about meeting her? If someone is spending time with your dh, you're not being unreasonable.

Dumbles · 02/02/2025 13:18

If it was only a few months ago absolutely not would he be taking them abroad with another woman.

I wouldn’t want them to meet other woman for atleast 6 months of them dating (to confirm it’s serious). I definitely wouldn’t be allowing a holiday for a year or more and yes after you’ve met.

Everything should be about taking things slowly for kids. They will just be getting used to you and Dad not being together.

I know you’ve sent passports but I would say it’s a hard know. It’s not about punishing - kids can go on holiday with dad. They can’t go on holiday with a stranger. Things need to be done gradually to give kids time to adjust and at a reasonable pace. You need to be comfortable with any adult meeting child. Ask how he would feel if it was the other way round and kids were staying with a random man for a week!?

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 13:22

He's taking his kids on holiday with their grandparents.

The extra person doesn't matter although I get that it stings you because she was the OW.

But that's how it is now I'm afraid.

Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:23

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 13:22

He's taking his kids on holiday with their grandparents.

The extra person doesn't matter although I get that it stings you because she was the OW.

But that's how it is now I'm afraid.

I’ve made the decision to let them go. They will have a good time. Yes it stings about OW but I am not punishing the kids because of it. He is just a dick head who obviously cannot be alone.

OP posts:
JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 13:24

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 13:13

I haven't been in your position but dh and I agreed that if we ever separated (we have a few couple friends who have) then we would both want to meet the new partner before they were around the dc. I think that's quite common?
Doesn't have to be a big deal. Just pop in and say hello at pick up/ drop off.

Have you asked your ex about meeting her? If someone is spending time with your dh, you're not being unreasonable.

In reality, saying a quick 'hello' means nothing though, does it?

I mean how would the OP be any wiser about her?

BeaAndBen · 02/02/2025 13:24

I don't think you get a vote, OP. Presumably he has parental responsibility?

If so, he can take them on holiday with his parents and whatever rando he's bumped into in the street if he wants. As could you, if you wanted to take them on holiday.

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 13:24

I haven't been in your position but dh and I agreed that if we ever separated (we have a few couple friends who have) then we would both want to meet the new partner before they were around the dc

What people say when they're married and what they say when they're separated are often completely different, unfortunately.

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 13:25

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 13:24

In reality, saying a quick 'hello' means nothing though, does it?

I mean how would the OP be any wiser about her?

Show quote history

Also, what happens if you meet them and don't like them? It's not like you get a veto on the relationship!

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 13:25

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:23

I’ve made the decision to let them go. They will have a good time. Yes it stings about OW but I am not punishing the kids because of it. He is just a dick head who obviously cannot be alone.

Show quote history

Well done OP for putting the kids first Flowers

Is there anything nice you can do while they're gone?

Maybe a holiday/short break/trip out to the theatre or something with a friend?

missddwh · 02/02/2025 13:27

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 02/02/2025 12:55

I don't understand. You say you want them to go and have a good time so what's the problem?

The problem is she doesn't know this woman and as a mum it's daunting to know that your child will not only be meeting a stranger but also going out of the country with them. I don't understand why we all can't just offer support without sounding judgemental and blunt🙈 everyone has the right to feel their feelings, not everyone will react and think the same way.

Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:28

BeaAndBen · 02/02/2025 13:24

I don't think you get a vote, OP. Presumably he has parental responsibility?

If so, he can take them on holiday with his parents and whatever rando he's bumped into in the street if he wants. As could you, if you wanted to take them on holiday.

I wouldn’t do that. They have been through so much already, I don’t agree with it at all but I want them to see their grandparents and know they will be ok with them

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 02/02/2025 13:29

It seems like you're saying the relationship is concerning you, but not from a safeguarding point of view?
Have you got a new partner? I hope you don't still have feelings for your ex.
You can request to meet his gf before the holiday, unless you're on dreadful terms with him I can't see why he'd refuse? But all it would ever be would be a brief meet up for coffee, so you wouldn't exactly be able to tell of she was lovely or horrendous.
So take it that the grandparents and your ex are familiar to you so it is safe in that respect.
Unless they're going to a country where his family had ties and you fear they won't bring the child back? Obviously that's another matter.

Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:36

BobbyBiscuits · 02/02/2025 13:29

It seems like you're saying the relationship is concerning you, but not from a safeguarding point of view?
Have you got a new partner? I hope you don't still have feelings for your ex.
You can request to meet his gf before the holiday, unless you're on dreadful terms with him I can't see why he'd refuse? But all it would ever be would be a brief meet up for coffee, so you wouldn't exactly be able to tell of she was lovely or horrendous.
So take it that the grandparents and your ex are familiar to you so it is safe in that respect.
Unless they're going to a country where his family had ties and you fear they won't bring the child back? Obviously that's another matter.

I think the way it ended is a sore point and I am little bitter. I think I do have some feelings but I need to remember it was me that ended it as he was useless. I would have just taken them on their own regardless if I was with somebody as I don’t think they need that right now. He only has them one night per week and even then she is there so it would be nice for them to spend quality time with him. The pair of them have just come back from a holiday together and he didn’t even contact the kids once in a week. I know that he doesn’t have to but he doesn’t seem very invested in them and I will miss them like crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 13:37

BobbyBiscuits · 02/02/2025 13:29

It seems like you're saying the relationship is concerning you, but not from a safeguarding point of view?
Have you got a new partner? I hope you don't still have feelings for your ex.
You can request to meet his gf before the holiday, unless you're on dreadful terms with him I can't see why he'd refuse? But all it would ever be would be a brief meet up for coffee, so you wouldn't exactly be able to tell of she was lovely or horrendous.
So take it that the grandparents and your ex are familiar to you so it is safe in that respect.
Unless they're going to a country where his family had ties and you fear they won't bring the child back? Obviously that's another matter.

Honestly the thought of seeing him fills me with utter dread and anxiety.

OP posts:
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 02/02/2025 13:40

@missddwh I wasn't intending to judge. The OP said her husband accused her of punishing him when she'd agreed to the children going on holiday with him so I couldn't see what the issue was.