Page 3 | To be apprehensive about this

CleoMantra · 2025-02-02T12:39:23+00:00

So my ex left me for another woman a few months ago and he has just asked me to send a picture of the children’s passports as he is taking them on holiday with her and the grandparents. The children are 4 and 7 and I have never ever met this woman. I want them to go and have a good time and he questioned who I was punishing here.

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:16

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:07

@JessiesJ99 I'm not saying your feelings are wrong by any means, just that the reality of separation and navigating new relationships is never easy, and very few people manage to stick to the arrangements they came to at the beginning.

Unfortunately, if your DH met someone else and wanted to have her round the kids, and she didn't want to meet you, there'd be nothing you could do about it. Likewise if you met someone he didn't like - he can't stop you.

I guess it all comes down to how reasonable and respectful people are to each after a split.

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:17

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 14:15

Plan some stuff for you to do the week that they're away and treat it as a holiday for you as well.

Catch up with old friends, go out dancing, see a comedy show, go to the cinema, eat whatever you fancy and revel in the fact you'll only have yourself to clean up after and cook for a week.

Let your ex do all the holiday shopping, including clothes, swimmers etc, literally hand the kids over with a smile and a wave, don't do any of the planning or thinking for him.

I have to say I think the new GF is going to be in for a shock. A "holiday" with a 4 & 7yr old (who aren't your biological children and you don't know very well) and your "in-laws" is my idea of hell.

Your ex sounds like a lazy-man child who can't be bothered to look after his own kids and hence sees them when his gf &/or parents are around to do the bulk of the parenting.

If your ex's gf is using annual leave and her own money to pay for her share of this trip, she's going to want a bit of a break and I'm not sure how much downtime she'll actually get; even a flight with two small children can be shattering.

I'm betting that the vacation will give your ex a chance to wave some of his red flags at his new gf when he leaves the bulk of parenting to her and the GPs.

She has a son who presume is going too.

OP posts:

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:19

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:16

I guess it all comes down to how reasonable and respectful people are to each after a split.

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The problem is that you can't force someone to be reasonable or respectful.

People often behave irrationally or unreasonably when they're hurt or angry, or when they've met someone new. Unfortunately, you can't hold someone to a "promise" they may have made during marriage either!

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:20

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:15

its just hard isn’t it.

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It's definitely not easy

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:22

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:20

It's definitely not easy

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I keep thinking why am I so bothered? Do I still love him? I should be happy for them to go.

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StMarie4me · 02/02/2025 14:22

Itiswhysofew · 02/02/2025 12:52

No experience of this, but aren't you entitled to meet the people your children will be spending time with? I'd've thought that's a basic element.

Not at all entitled no. Otherwise the Ex could start to demand the same thing and where would that end up?!

Sensible, yes. Entities, no.

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 14:22

"She has a son who presume is going too."

And is your ex the type of man who's likely to spend the day in the pool with three DC, entertaining them all whilst the gf reads her book in peace?

Or is he more likely to be grabbing a couple of beers with his dad while the gf and MIL do childcare?

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:23

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 14:22

"She has a son who presume is going too."

And is your ex the type of man who's likely to spend the day in the pool with three DC, entertaining them all whilst the gf reads her book in peace?

Or is he more likely to be grabbing a couple of beers with his dad while the gf and MIL do childcare?

The grandparents are not very hands on to be fair. He does play with them really well it’s the other stuff.

OP posts:

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:24

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:22

I keep thinking why am I so bothered? Do I still love him? I should be happy for them to go.

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I think it's totally normal to be bothered about your ex moving on and your children having a relationship with another adult that you know nothing about - don't beat yourself up.

You're doing the right thing by letting them go away with their dad and grandparents - they'll have a lovely time I'm sure. Just make sure you do something nice for yourself while they're away :)

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:26

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 14:10

I get exactly what you're saying but it's still illogical isn't it?

A photo would put a face to the name and it would be just as much 'help' in the whole situation.

If for example the woman hated children and was a horrible person, she's not going to reveal that with a quick 'hello'.

In fact you could invite her to dinner and it still wouldn't be revealed.

And even if it was, what's the ex going to do, stop dating her because their mum doesn't like her?

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As I say, I haven't experienced this. I guess I always thought it was a given that as adults with the dc's best interests in mind, that is what would happen.
I'm not into drama and jealousy 🤣

I would respect my ex enough as the father of my children to ensure he knew the person who was around his kids. I think this is especially important to some men due to concerns around abuse from new male partners.

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:26

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:24

I think it's totally normal to be bothered about your ex moving on and your children having a relationship with another adult that you know nothing about - don't beat yourself up.

You're doing the right thing by letting them go away with their dad and grandparents - they'll have a lovely time I'm sure. Just make sure you do something nice for yourself while they're away :)

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I just don’t understand why he said I can meet her when I am not angry? I think I have been quite easy in the circumstances and it hurt me when he asked me why I am punishing the kids. It was just a shock

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JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 14:27

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 14:22

"She has a son who presume is going too."

And is your ex the type of man who's likely to spend the day in the pool with three DC, entertaining them all whilst the gf reads her book in peace?

Or is he more likely to be grabbing a couple of beers with his dad while the gf and MIL do childcare?

I know the OP has said this is not the case, but even if it was, the kids would still have a great time by the sound of it.

And that's what I think parents need to concentrate on after a split, rather than what an arse the other parent is or isn't.

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:27

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:24

I think it's totally normal to be bothered about your ex moving on and your children having a relationship with another adult that you know nothing about - don't beat yourself up.

You're doing the right thing by letting them go away with their dad and grandparents - they'll have a lovely time I'm sure. Just make sure you do something nice for yourself while they're away :)

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Does it mean that I still love him though?

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JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 14:28

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:27

Does it mean that I still love him though?

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Not necessarily.

I could just mean you're grieving for your old family life, before it all went tits up.

Completely normal.

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:29

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:19

The problem is that you can't force someone to be reasonable or respectful.

People often behave irrationally or unreasonably when they're hurt or angry, or when they've met someone new. Unfortunately, you can't hold someone to a "promise" they may have made during marriage either!

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I've read on here so many ridiculous stories about the father's of people's children that I'm not surprised a lot of them can't be civil. The stories are unbelievable that grown men behave in these ways 🙄

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 14:34

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:29

I've read on here so many ridiculous stories about the father's of people's children that I'm not surprised a lot of them can't be civil. The stories are unbelievable that grown men behave in these ways 🙄

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I've seen both grown men and grown women act appallingly after a split, like they've turned into completely different people.

Normally caused by jealousy and resentment.

The kids of course end up caught in the crossfire.

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:36

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:26

I just don’t understand why he said I can meet her when I am not angry? I think I have been quite easy in the circumstances and it hurt me when he asked me why I am punishing the kids. It was just a shock

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Honestly, I wouldn't try to understand it. Either he doesn't want you to meet her, or she doesn't want to meet you, or possibly a combination of both.

At the end of the day, you have no right to meet her and she's free not to meet you if she'd prefer.

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:36

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:29

I've read on here so many ridiculous stories about the father's of people's children that I'm not surprised a lot of them can't be civil. The stories are unbelievable that grown men behave in these ways 🙄

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In fairness, it's not just men. Lots of women behave appallingly in splits too!

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:37

JennyTalworts · 02/02/2025 14:34

I've seen both grown men and grown women act appallingly after a split, like they've turned into completely different people.

Normally caused by jealousy and resentment.

The kids of course end up caught in the crossfire.

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This is exactly how I feel. It’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore. He is so elusive

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JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:40

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:36

In fairness, it's not just men. Lots of women behave appallingly in splits too!

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I know, but I'm talking about when they're still together!! Like why the hell did you have kids with this man?! 😂
I'm not surprised when these same men go on to behave like this when they split.
Honestly, I can't believe it.

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:41

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:40

I know, but I'm talking about when they're still together!! Like why the hell did you have kids with this man?! 😂
I'm not surprised when these same men go on to behave like this when they split.
Honestly, I can't believe it.

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Sadly you don’t realise this stuff until kids come along. When you need them to step up

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biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:42

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:40

I know, but I'm talking about when they're still together!! Like why the hell did you have kids with this man?! 😂
I'm not surprised when these same men go on to behave like this when they split.
Honestly, I can't believe it.

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You have a point

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:43

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:27

Does it mean that I still love him though?

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No.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/02/2025 14:43

BeaAndBen · 02/02/2025 13:24

I don't think you get a vote, OP. Presumably he has parental responsibility?

If so, he can take them on holiday with his parents and whatever rando he's bumped into in the street if he wants. As could you, if you wanted to take them on holiday.

Legally he needs the OPs written consent to go abroad unless he has a court order. So she could stop him if she wanted.

Original poster

CleoMantra · 02/02/2025 14:43

biscuitsandbooks · 02/02/2025 14:43

No.

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I think he thinks I do and I am jealous.

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