To be apprehensive about this

[CleoMantra]

So my ex left me for another woman a few months ago and he has just asked me to send a picture of the children’s passports as he is taking them on holiday with her and the grandparents. The children are 4 and 7 and I have never ever met this woman. I want them to go and have a good time and he questioned who I was punishing here.

What if the kids decide they don’t want to go? He did say it isn’t up to them

At 4 and 7 they don't really get a say. Just like they don't get to decide whether you take them on holiday or not.

Ok no worries

Although I can’t see why they wouldn’t want to come on holiday with me

I can't see why they wouldn't want to go on holiday with their grandparents and their dad either?

Apart from missing you I guess, but hopefully you can have plenty of contact while they're away.

I can't imagine a reality where I was happy with someone spending half the time with my kids, and not wanting to meet them. DH certainly wouldn't be ok with that. Whether I stay married or not, my views wouldn't change on that.

The thing is, they have already met her, he did it without asking me so can’t really do anything about this either. I just don’t think he is putting them first at all

You know their df and you know their gp, I don't see an issue. Presumably they've met the ow and this won't be their first introduction

No, of course not. I just couldn't imagine my kids going off on holiday with a complete stranger who I hadn't even met. To me, it just makes sense to want to meet them and put a face to the name. The new woman should understand this and be happy to meet. If she isn't happy to meet, then she shouldn't get involved with a man with kids.

We're all different, of course, and we can only speak on how we feel.

Why is he saying they don't get a choice? Do they not want to go? This would bother me more than anything else you've said.
What is you usual contact schedule?

He said I can meet her when I am less angry. I don’t think I am angry, I was a bit of a shock as he told me he was taking them alone last week.

they stay over with him one night per week. I love them spending time with their dad but I loathe having to see him, he is very flirty with me etc and it gives me so much anxiety.

They have said they didn’t want to go and then he told them he would take them to the zoo and now they want to! They have never been away from me for more than a day, I will miss them so much and I am just worried if they want to come home

How long is the holiday for? How long have you been separated and what is the longest they have spent with him since then? Also how involved in their lives was he before you split up?
Sorry for all the questions, but so many things have a bearing on how I would proceed if I were you.

@JessiesJ99 I'm not saying your feelings are wrong by any means, just that the reality of separation and navigating new relationships is never easy, and very few people manage to stick to the arrangements they came to at the beginning.

Unfortunately, if your DH met someone else and wanted to have her round the kids, and she didn't want to meet you, there'd be nothing you could do about it. Likewise if you met someone he didn't like - he can't stop you.

You're missing the point. At their ages, it's not up to them. Just like it's not up to them whether they go to school, or the dentist.

Your ex is their equal parent and if he wants to take them on holiday, that's his choice. You can't stop him, just as he couldn't stop you.

The holiday is for a week. We have been separated now about 6 months and the longest they have been away from me is one night. The reason we split was because he spent more time away than at home and felt like I was a single parent anyway so I just resented him. Hope I have answered everything

I get exactly what you're saying but it's still illogical isn't it?

A photo would put a face to the name and it would be just as much 'help' in the whole situation.

If for example the woman hated children and was a horrible person, she's not going to reveal that with a quick 'hello'.

In fact you could invite her to dinner and it still wouldn't be revealed.

And even if it was, what's the ex going to do, stop dating her because their mum doesn't like her?

I just think the way he has been is very disrespectful, I wouldn’t have done the same thing to him and I suppose I had expectations of how it would be, I was obviously wrong

Unfortunately you can't make him behave in a certain way.

I would try and drop all your expectations too, they generally only lead to disappointment.

No? There's is no such entitlement

I completely understand OP.

It's so tough.

I think if they are swayed by a trip to the zoo,they probably don't have strong feelings about not going.
I would ask him to have them for longer in the time leading up to the holiday - 3/4 nights over half term maybe, to get them used to being away from you. I think that would be my only sticking point.
I would then encourage them to look forward to the holiday and try not to let them pick up on your (understandable) apprehension.

Plan some stuff for you to do the week that they're away and treat it as a holiday for you as well.

Catch up with old friends, go out dancing, see a comedy show, go to the cinema, eat whatever you fancy and revel in the fact you'll only have yourself to clean up after and cook for a week.

Let your ex do all the holiday shopping, including clothes, swimmers etc, literally hand the kids over with a smile and a wave, don't do any of the planning or thinking for him.

I have to say I think the new GF is going to be in for a shock. A "holiday" with a 4 & 7yr old (who aren't your biological children and you don't know very well) and your "in-laws" is my idea of hell.

Your ex sounds like a lazy-man child who can't be bothered to look after his own kids and hence sees them when his gf &/or parents are around to do the bulk of the parenting.

If your ex's gf is using annual leave and her own money to pay for her share of this trip, she's going to want a bit of a break and I'm not sure how much downtime she'll actually get; even a flight with two small children can be shattering.

I'm betting that the vacation will give your ex a chance to wave some of his red flags at his new gf when he leaves the bulk of parenting to her and the GPs.

its just hard isn’t it.