To give up working

[BrickZebra]

AIBU to quit working? For the past 12 years I’ve worked in a job I absolutely loathe, 3 out of 5 days are vile, the others manageable. The issue is it is extremely well paid, I would never ever get anywhere near what I earn again…I’ve tried!!!

This job has allowed me to pay off our mortgage and we also own another home so are more than comfortable, we have security. My husband also earns equally as well. We could survive on his wage very very easily.

He doesn’t want me to quit. What should I do?

It doesn't mean that her DH wants to solely be financially responsible for the family though.

I'd never agree to that no matter how well off I am.

He is unreasonable to expect you to stay in a job you are miserable in if you can afford a pay drop, which you said you can.

I understand him not wanting you to completely stop working and financially contributing but certainly work out how much you can earn without it affecting the family finances/ plans massively.

What kind of pay drop would you he looking at to leave this job and take a different one?

His want for more investments doesn’t trump her want to not be mentally destroyed by work, though. Investments are optional – DH might not like the change of plan but he can’t dictate that OP doesn’t switch to a lower-paid job. (Equally, she can’t dictate that DH is sole earner. She has to contribute, just not on the same level as they’d previously planned, as it’s making her deeply unhappy.)

I do. I work part time and have a great work life balance. The bonus is that I get paid for doing something I enjoy doing as well.

I agree unfair to stop working altogether but if the job is impacting your mental health get another. As you DH earns so well you can afford a drop in pay

It's not fair to drop pay when it comes at his expense.

I would divorce someone who unilaterally decided that I could shoulder more of the burden of supporting the family.

Your bonuses paid off the mortgage.
You have three children.
You have investments and savings.
You can (easily, by all accounts) live off your dh's wage.
You do the lion's share of the family related work b/c he is busy with work.

I'd give up. Re-group after a couple years and find employment you enjoy.

A bank PR's skillset should be very transferrable to a more fulfilling role. Every organisation needs comms so it's a question of finding one where the working environment and the nature of the organisation are more enjoyable for you. And while there'd be a pay cut moving from corporate finance to (for example) the arts or a charity, it's not as if you're suddenly going to be earning peanuts.

Your husband can't and shouldn't dictate whether you change job - particularly not if it's a question of mental health, but even if you just WANTED a different job, that's your decision alone. We don't owe it to our partners to stay in any particular salary bracket and it's incredibly toxic to expect your partner to remain a high earner indefinitely.

However you can't just quit work completely without the say-so of the person who'd be supporting you financially. That's not just a question of finances but of the balance in the relationship. No matter how much I earned or how much I loved my job, being entirely responsible for financially supporting the household is not something I'd ever sign up for.

The housework imbalance seems unfair but it's a separate issue. The answer to that is to get him to do more, not to decide to be a SAHM unilaterally.

Exactly this.

Housework or lack thereof doesn't affect long-term financial prospects.

It's impossible to recoup the time value of money once that has been forfeited.

'He would not be happy'?...what about your happiness?
'He wants'...what about your wants?
'He believes'...what about what you believe?

You’ve just made the same point I made. OP can’t unilaterally decide to quit work. It needs to be a compromise.

The post you quoted was the tail of a discussion with another poster who believed that she got to decided when they had enough in the bank for OP to decide to give up work. My point was that she, the other poster, didn’t get to decide and that wealthy is a subjective term.

If you're referring to me, you might want to reread my posts. I never said OP should give up work entirely, I suggested leaving her current job, clearing her head and finding more suitable work.

DH and I have both done this at different points in our lives. Neither of us were out of work for very long and we both had sufficient savings as a back up. If he tried to pressure me to keep a job that was making me ill just because of his own greed, it would make me question the relationship.

Honestly if he is expecting you to work a job you loathe and also expect you to ruin the household and do all the parenting I would not accept that. For me to continue in the job I hated I'd expect him to do at least 50% if the rest of not more.

Life's too short for spending the majority of our lives doing something we hate just for the money, it's perfectly fine to expect more.

I'd be investigating other routes though, either shorter hours if you need to be available for everything else or divorce and doing whatever you like 🤣

So he values money (which you don't need by thr sounds of it) over your happiness?

You’re team DH are you. The man that leaves his wife to pick up all the housework and everything to do with 3 kids whilst holding down a full time, stressful job that she hates.

How lovely for him to behave like a single man with no family and concentrate on his career. Whilst she is stressed, unhappy and basically does 2 jobs. He sounds wonderful!

OP - it worries me that he’s more bothered about ‘building up investments’ than your happiness and health.

I had similar with my DH - he was fully supportive in me taking some time off to retrain in a career that I love and is more flexible and family friendly. He was shit at helping out in the house and with the kids. And therefore there are consequences to that. They don’t get the big job they love - then do zero round the house if you do full time too. That’s not fair.

You need a chat with him. If he wants you to continue in a job you hate then he does 50:50 housework and kid related stuff. See how that goes. If he refuses then you go part time. Because something has to give.