To give up working

[BrickZebra]

AIBU to quit working? For the past 12 years I’ve worked in a job I absolutely loathe, 3 out of 5 days are vile, the others manageable. The issue is it is extremely well paid, I would never ever get anywhere near what I earn again…I’ve tried!!!

This job has allowed me to pay off our mortgage and we also own another home so are more than comfortable, we have security. My husband also earns equally as well. We could survive on his wage very very easily.

He doesn’t want me to quit. What should I do?

You can't just quit working if your husband isn't happy with becoming the sole financial provider. He can't dictate to you what job you do though.

Get a different job that makes you happier.

So fucking rude. Who the fuck do you think you are?

This!

We’re not talking about an equal relationship with 50/50 chores, 50/50 parenting and 50/50 finances, PLUS you have the security of a mortgage-free home and a whole spare house!

Be angrier about his lack of contribution to the other stuff, and his control: workaholism and investing for the future might be his passion, but you’re allowed to want to carve out something different. You can’t quit and be a SAHM and change your lifestyle dramatically without a partner’s agreement, but you can change jobs and salaries – so long as important bills are met and no one’s going to lose the house.

Do it. Life is too short to work if you don’t need to. I know 3 people who’ve died in their 50’s recently. Honestly, enjoy life while you can.

😂🙄😂🙄

Why would it matter if they went part time or lower paid as long as their half of bills was covered?

What just refuse to work and demand hee husband pays for her? Aye that works, doesn’t cause resentment at all.

Because they would likely expect the other to fund extra fun money etc too.

They obviously have a financial plan for their future which wouldn’t be achievable without two bumper salaries.

By the sounds of it, he has this great financial plan, not the OP.

Given the strength of their financial position already, it's concerning that he wants to prioritise future investments over his wife's mental health. And he clearly sees no issue with OP doing all the childcare and housework.

There is more to life than amassing money.

I think if you both start out as high earners then bills may be higher – you’d sign up to a larger mortgage on a bigger house (so more council tax and energy costs), fancier cars, possibly private school fees, get used to certain level of holiday, etc. A change of job and salary on the part of one person would merit discussion on which bills are necessary and what lifestyle changes can be made. Obviously in this case there’s no mortgage and OP says DH’s salary will cover bills, so I’m talking more generally.

But I’m still on OP’s side here via her bossy husband, because no one should have to stay in a job that’s detrimental to their mental health just because they once agreed to a certain level of lifestyle and future financial planning, and I don’t think a good partner would want that either. He’s prioritising his and their life in 10 years’ time over her happiness now, both in “forbidding” her to change jobs AND in failing to take on his share of running the household, to the extent she feels she has to change jobs.

Marriage is in sickness and in health. It’s very off putting that he can’t see this. I was in exactly your position OP as a well paid solicitor with children 20 years ago. The stress became so great - and all the stress-related sleeploss. Hating your job dominates everything once it starts to make you ill, especially with young children too - just trying to put one foot in front of the other. But I couldn’t bear the thought of a long period of sickness absence so I dealt with this by doing a one year full time master’s with DH support, as a rest, without looking to the rest of the world as if I was ‘giving up’. Then at the end, I pivoted into full time work that is far less well paid (20x less well paid than my now retired uni contemporaries) but what can I say, I’m still here. It is appalling that he doesn’t support you. I just wanted to walk away from my job so much. But Sometimes you just need support to be able to step back so you can make a different plan that enables you both to keep going together. It’s what marriage is meant to be about.

I’m not sure I think that’s fair. The op is free to find another job, in sickness and health doesn’t mean he has to pay for her, any more than she does him if he decided he didn’t like his job, both people count in a marriage, it’s how you make them work,

it's all very well quitting but you need to think about what else you might like to do instead - skills, talents, interests - what could you develop on for a new job (self employed?)

Does your DH genuinely love his job or is it more that he is planning your future and knows the high income might mean a better retirement?
I feel like maybe he is jealous of your idea to not work.

Life is too short to stay in a job you hate (this is coming from someone working a minimum wage job) but I do think you should find another job rather than give up completely.

There is a lot more to life than having money, but most of it is only affordable with money.

Money is not a problem here. They are in an excellent financial position with the mortgage paid off and rental income from a second property.

They’re in an excellent financial position from YOUR perspective. You don’t get a vote on whether their financial position is where it needs to be or not.

How old are the children?

I quit my old job because I despised it. It made me so ill. I walked out never returned.
Dh never said anything. Didn't return to work for years for many reasons. Not once did he say anything. We have a joint account I used as I wished. But I guess everyone is different , we didn't have much money but knew we could scrape by on his wage . My health mental and physical was worth more than any amount of money or luxury we were losing by me not working

If one of you had developed a serious physical health condition or had a serious accident, you would adjust together. You would hopefully change your financial priorities to support each other. Poor mental health is exactly the same. The OP probably feels like giving up altogether now, which is not surprising, but somebody who has been doing a demanding job is unlikely to want to continue not working at all, indefinitely. It’s about looking after each other to find a way.

Okay so this seems like the main point to me.

If I was in your situation I would explain to him that to stay in your current role makes you miserable so you both have to agree on how to move forward. Maybe discuss how your both want the near and long term future to look like. It’s normal for life goals to change throughout life, especially after having children and that’s okay.

The OP has made it pretty clear actually.

They are well off - that doesn’t mean they’ve got as much as they want. OP’s been pretty clear on that too - her husband wants more investments.