To give up working

[BrickZebra]

AIBU to quit working? For the past 12 years I’ve worked in a job I absolutely loathe, 3 out of 5 days are vile, the others manageable. The issue is it is extremely well paid, I would never ever get anywhere near what I earn again…I’ve tried!!!

This job has allowed me to pay off our mortgage and we also own another home so are more than comfortable, we have security. My husband also earns equally as well. We could survive on his wage very very easily.

He doesn’t want me to quit. What should I do?

Well that’s not fair. I’d talk about that.

but the bottom line is one cannot demand to stay home and be funded, male or female. It needs to be agreed by both parties.

so I’d look for another job, and if there is an issue in the home chores speak to him about that. Or outsource ie cleaner, childcare etc,

OP said he's happy, loves his job and is workaholic.
I'm surprised that very few replies have dealt with the fact that OP is essentially doing 2 jobs already, freeing up DH to do his thing.
OP says they have more than one house and enough money to be secure. Dh wants to build up investments.. all very well, but the cost of his wife's mental health?

I stepped back from a career I initially loved, had 22 happy, well paid, rewarding years, but then re organisation and new blood (the bullying kind) made it hell for me and lots of my colleagues. It affected me badly in terms of stress, and I knew I had to do something. Sat down with OH, we worked out our finances, decided on a plan of action, I was lucky enough to leave with a big payout, I knew we would survive financially, and I decided to do some voluntary work, doing something I really enjoyed, with a nice organisation who really looked after volunteers. Made some new friends, regained my confidence, and never looked back. I was mid forties. Had a supportative OH, I enjoyed being at home, sorting out the house, spending hours in my garden, spent more time making sure my lovely parents were ok, had holidays, days out etc… Never looked back.

Never do a job where the salary is compensation for doing the job in the first place.

If everyone took that view, probably 90% of us wouldn't work. A salary is literally compensation for having to work - you are selling your labour in exchange for money.

Exactly. I know that if I was in OP's position, my DH would not want me to be destroying my mental health in a job that makes me miserable. And that's without us having the security of owning two houses outright, like the OP.

Sometimes when you're really miserable in a job, the desire to walk out and never have to do it again is all consuming. In that mindset it's hard to look for a new job successfully as you're not presenting the best version of yourself. I think quitting and taking a sabbatical for a couple of months to clear your head makes sense, then you can focus your efforts on finding a more suitable type of work.

I'd change jobs and or go part time but I wouldn't give up working as I don't like being dependent on someone else for money.

Look at your skill set and then look at different sectors where those skills would be valued.

https://www.charityjob.co.uk/

My dad nearly died aged 50 due to stress and a heart condition. I was 18. He had to take medical retirement and his biggest regret was all those hours spent working and missing out on me and my brother growing up.

It's good to assess what is important in life. Lots of people get focused on saving money and investments but forget to live for the now.

I think something like you completely stopping work has to be a joint decision.

Whilst obviously you being happy is important, your husband is not unreasonable in wanting you to continue to contribute to the household finances and him not being the only earner.

Could you look at alternative jobs that you could realistically do that would offer a better work life balance and sit down and have a full discussion about the logistics?

I dont think you taking a pay drop is unreasonable if its something you can afford as a family and would improve your quality of life but I think it would be unfair to stop work altogether if dh isnt on board with this.

I would never agree to be the full financial support for an adult and our offspring, so am Team DH here.

If I married someone on the basis that we were both high earners and then they bait & switched me by quitting work or going part time / low paid, it would be a dealbreaker.

Presumably you would expect your partner to also share the job of running the home, cooking, cleaning, looking after the 3 children etc.

He's been a passenger as far as housework and childcare is concerned. OP is currently working full-time, doing everything in the house and with the children and it's her bonuses that have paid off their mortages.

OP would buying in support at home help? A cleaner who doesn’t mind doing laundry and ironing, and leaving a shepherds pie or bolognaise in the fridge for you to warm through. A FT or PT nanny who can do school runs, hobby round trips. A VA who can take on some of the mental load.

I don't work now and my DH does. It doesn't cause any problems at all. We've got more time to do things together and I'm so much happier.

Why are 2 days manageable and the other 3 aren't? Is that when you WFH?

You sound comfortably off, so can you give up work and retrain in something you like, or start up a small business from home?

Personally, you're a long time dead. Jack it in if possible and enjoy your life.

I don’t think I was clear, he would not be happy with me taking a lower salary job. He wants me to continue in my current role. He’s believes it would be a mistake for me to take a pay cut at this time

Can you do anything to make the role more bearable? Compressed hours, WFH, move to another team?

Why don't you tell him that you are not happy with his lack of contribution to anything at home. Why should all the cooking, cleaning, childcare be left up to you when you have such a demanding high paying job?

Anyway, who made him the boss of you?

Surely the only two options are not "work in this job i hate" and "dont work at all". How about, work in a much lower stress job for yes, less money, but with more enjoyment and job satisfaction. You have financial security, you dont need to earn the big bucks any more, so find a job you actually enjoy.

if you hate it I suggest getting another job. Never a good idea being dependent on somebody. Try a new role?

Well, you can't just announce to your husband that he'll be supporting you from now on, obviously. (I'd like to see the reactions on here if a man said this to a woman). Talk to him about what he'd accept in terms of you taking another job that pays less.

you have a right to not work a job you loathe. There are other choices available.

DH entitled to his view. If you want to be with your kids and it’s not essential to suffer a shit role then I think the sabbatical idea upthread is a great idea.

I struggle working part time with one kid, I’m astonished and take my hat off to families that juggle two f/t jobs and multiple kiddos and getting quality time.

Does he not take the weight off your shoulders in other ways? do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, family admin, sort the cars out, garden? My DH works from home mostly now so it's him who tends to do all the cooking - it is SUCH a luxury to walk in from work to have the evening meal shopped for at least, and it's usually him who cooks it too.

Okay, but if I've got this clear, you are not just working in a full-time in a job you hate, but also bringing up sons and doing all the housework?

So you're doing 2 full-time jobs now and if you give up 1, you'll be doing 1 full time job, just like your husband.

Which leg is your husband standing on when he allows his wife to work 2 jobs, when he works 1, and doesn't want her to be happy or share life equally with him?

Which job do you want? Whatever you do, don't do more than your fair share. No wonder he doesn't want you to give up bringing a good income when you're doing all the household, child rearing work too. Got it made.

I would get another job. As long as you’re earning and are comfortable.

Being this unhappy is no life is it?

He doesn’t get to dictate this.

He can refuse to support you financially so you can quit altogether (though I’d be quite unimpressed with this given he likes his job and you do all the home stuff) but he can’t decide whether you keep your current job or take a different lower paid one.

It sounds as if he has lost sight of everything except work and money. Does he really understand how unhappy your job makes you?