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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up working

141 replies

BrickZebra · 02/02/2025 09:56

AIBU to quit working? For the past 12 years I’ve worked in a job I absolutely loathe, 3 out of 5 days are vile, the others manageable. The issue is it is extremely well paid, I would never ever get anywhere near what I earn again…I’ve tried!!!

This job has allowed me to pay off our mortgage and we also own another home so are more than comfortable, we have security. My husband also earns equally as well. We could survive on his wage very very easily.

He doesn’t want me to quit. What should I do?

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 02/02/2025 13:40

WitchesCauldron · 02/02/2025 12:10

Quit.

Never do a job where the salary is compensation for doing the job in the first place.

Show quote history

Agree with this.
We spend so much time at work, we should be doing roles we like/enjoy.

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:42

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 13:33

Lifes too short to stick at doing you hate, especially when financially you don't need to.

I gave up working early, cared for a parent, looked after home and family, my husband was fine with it. We always pooled our resources, it was never his or mine...it was ours.
We didn't have a spare property either, but we managed perfectly well.

I would talk to your husband and tell him how unhappy you are at work, imo, he is being unreasonable.

Is this a joke? He's being unreasonable because he expects her to contribute?

And you left yourself in a very vulnerable situation by not working both in terms of pension and under the situation if you'd divorced.

MaggieBsBoat · 02/02/2025 13:45

I was your DH. My DH quit jobs as he hated them leaving me to shoulder the financial burden and suffer the stress of a difficult demanding job and the household expenses. It got to the point that I massively resented the fact that I had no choice to work a high paying and high stress job as I was supporting us. In the end we divorced. I am still in the high stress job but I don’t have the resentment from this.
You quitting removes his choice so it has to be discussed and jointly decided. Or you split up and do your own thing.

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 13:47

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:42

Is this a joke? He's being unreasonable because he expects her to contribute?

And you left yourself in a very vulnerable situation by not working both in terms of pension and under the situation if you'd divorced.

Show quote history

She is contributing, she is running a home with him and their three sons in it.

Personally, I never felt vulnerable, we trusted each other, and it worked out fine.

Loopytiles · 02/02/2025 13:48

U to stop work. Seek another job.

Loopytiles · 02/02/2025 13:49

Not feeling vulnerable (financially) doesn’t mean one is not vulnerable.

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:57

@NovemberMorn but you were vulnerable whether you feel that way or not.

neverbeenskiing · 02/02/2025 14:07

If you are that miserable in your current job then you would not be unreasonable to move to a new one, even if it pays less well. You would be unreasonable to stop working altogether and expect your DH to support you financially against his wishes.

I wouldn't want the pressure of being the only earner so I wouldn't foist this on my DH. However, I also wouldn't stay in a job that I truly loathed just to please him, in your shoes I would reduce my hours or look for a more enjoyable role elsewhere.

You say your employer won't allow you to go part time but have you actually made a flexible working request? They don't have to agree to it but they do have to consider it. If you're thinking of quitting anyway you have nothing to lose by putting in a request.

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 14:12

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:57

@NovemberMorn but you were vulnerable whether you feel that way or not.

Maybe we should all have a prenup before we wed to ensure our partners don't do the dirty on us.
There is such a thing as trust in a relationship, that's how we managed our marriage, and that's how it's worked.

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 14:15

@NovemberMorn trust is all well and good, it does not pay the mortgage or pension.

I find you breathtakingly naive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2025 14:18

Get a different job. Part time. It’s not all or nothing.

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 14:21

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 14:15

@NovemberMorn trust is all well and good, it does not pay the mortgage or pension.

I find you breathtakingly naive.

Well it worked for us, and we have been happily married for decades.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2025 14:23

It's quite reasonable to talk to your husband about alternative options for you if you're unhappy. It's not reasonable just to give up work and force him to be the sole earner.

Lyn348 · 02/02/2025 14:29

Why not be a SAHM for a bit? He expects you to solely look after the house and kids so why shouldn't he be the sole earner? No one regrets giving up a job they hate, life's too short to spend every day doing something you don't enjoy.

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 14:32

@NovemberMorn good for you, but if you or OP divorces you will have no pension of your own and no means by which to run your own home as you've not had an income for years.

As I said, vulnerable.

Joker01 · 02/02/2025 14:34

Newname85 · 02/02/2025 11:16

Who likes working?!

I LOVED my job before I lost it due to major financial issues within the industry - which mean that there are practically no jobs left now. Loved it. If you can find something that makes you happy then work isn’t a horrible thing.

OpenFox · 02/02/2025 14:38

BrickZebra · 02/02/2025 12:22

He wants me to do 5-10 more years so we can really build up investments.

Show quote history

Investments for what? For when the kids are grown up and you realise you were too busy working to spend quality time with them when they were growing up??

Quit! Get a term time only low pressure job or another job you will actually enjoy.

You only live once.

curious79 · 02/02/2025 14:40

Your choice to not work will inevitably extend your husband’s requirement to work, regardless of how much he loves it, if there are target investment levels to achieve
He may fear you becoming dull and home focused where he finds the fact you have a career interesting
He may resent the idea of everything ongoing wage related falling on his shoulders
If my husband suddenly said he didn’t want to work I would hope he had a good plan for how he is going to fund his non working days. I would be massively resentful of him going off and doing anything leisure related while I did a full day

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 14:41

I don’t think you can demand he funds you no. So either save enough you can self support, or keep working.

we I guess are in a similar situation, I would not be happy at all if my husband decided he was quitting and I could pay for everything.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/02/2025 15:16

OP, I think there are 2 different issues here : the first is you hate your job, and the second being that you have sole responsibility for running the house and dealing with 3 DC.
I'm wondering if your feelings about the job are affected by the stress of your family responsibilities - if you are working at a high level, then presumably getting home in time to do the kid stuff is going to cause you a lot of pressure. I can tell you that with 3 DC and working as a solicitor and pressurised for time at both ends of the day I felt like a ticking time bomb.
I think you need to discuss this more with DH.. if you continue in this job, he needs to take over responsibility for x, y and z so that some of the pressure on you is relieved, as you cannot continue the way things are.
If, on the other hand, the pressure is the job itself, then tell him you are looking for another job as this one is making you unhappy.
Your happiness and happiness should be paramount to him.

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 15:18

Your happiness and happiness should be paramount to him

by that measure his happiness should be paramount to her.

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 15:21

Lyn348 · 02/02/2025 14:29

Why not be a SAHM for a bit? He expects you to solely look after the house and kids so why shouldn't he be the sole earner? No one regrets giving up a job they hate, life's too short to spend every day doing something you don't enjoy.

I could not agree more. Earning and providing for your family is one thing, working in a job you hate, no matter how well paid, when you don't financially need to...is a waste of life imo.

Original poster
BrickZebra · 02/02/2025 15:24

MaggieBsBoat · 02/02/2025 13:45

I was your DH. My DH quit jobs as he hated them leaving me to shoulder the financial burden and suffer the stress of a difficult demanding job and the household expenses. It got to the point that I massively resented the fact that I had no choice to work a high paying and high stress job as I was supporting us. In the end we divorced. I am still in the high stress job but I don’t have the resentment from this.
You quitting removes his choice so it has to be discussed and jointly decided. Or you split up and do your own thing.

This is a great point, thank you. Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about this burden on him as he is so driven, loves his career and earning money. His ambition is quite remarkable but it is draining for me as I am expected to match this ambition.

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 15:24

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 14:32

@NovemberMorn good for you, but if you or OP divorces you will have no pension of your own and no means by which to run your own home as you've not had an income for years.

As I said, vulnerable.

His income was our income, I invested some in my name (on advice, and with his knowledge obviously) and it all worked out fine.
Like I said, I never felt vulnerable because I wasn't.

Original poster
BrickZebra · 02/02/2025 15:25

OpenFox · 02/02/2025 14:38

Investments for what? For when the kids are grown up and you realise you were too busy working to spend quality time with them when they were growing up??

Quit! Get a term time only low pressure job or another job you will actually enjoy.

You only live once.

Show quote history

I say this myself probably everyday. My boys have changed my perspective on what’s important but not my husbands.

OP posts: