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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have sex within the first few dates?

125 replies

Pumpkinpiedream · 01/02/2025 22:23

I would like a long term relationship but I keep reading that to get one , you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc. Apparently if you have sex too soon, they will either dump you after they get it or it will turn into a situationship.
My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me. Thoughts?

OP posts:
RitaFromTheRanch · 01/02/2025 22:24

You do you

Cosycore · 01/02/2025 22:25

YANBU

But the caveat is that there are some people that only meet for sex. So once they’ve had it, they have no use for staying in touch.
it can make it really difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff

Icanttakethisanymore · 01/02/2025 22:27

Honestly, if someone likes you, they like you. Playing games only makes a difference if someone it’s in the fence imo. Have sex if you want to and if feels natural. If he doesn’t want to go long term with you because ‘you’ put out then he’s a twat anyway.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/02/2025 22:27

I always had sex with the first date if I was interested. Never had issues with finding relationships if I fancied one.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/02/2025 22:28

It's entirely up to you, so long as you feel comfortable then crack on.

Quietnowplease · 01/02/2025 22:28

Cosycore · 01/02/2025 22:25

YANBU

But the caveat is that there are some people that only meet for sex. So once they’ve had it, they have no use for staying in touch.
it can make it really difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff

It doesn't make it difficult at all. By your logic you'd know pretty much instantly who is wheat and you is chaff.... You're contradicting yourself

Op - there will be posters who say you must wait three dates or six months or whatever. There will be loads of other posters saying they slept with their husband of 87 years on the first date.

Do what you want. If a bloke likes you he'll want to see you again regardless.
Who cares

JMSA · 01/02/2025 22:29

I can see that logic and it's totally fine.

Lemsipper · 01/02/2025 22:31

Do what you want! Personally I hold out for ages as it gives me a higher sense of self esteem. But whatever floats your boat, but just be confident in your decision, not asking strangers their opinion

Cosycore · 01/02/2025 22:31

Quietnowplease · 01/02/2025 22:28

It doesn't make it difficult at all. By your logic you'd know pretty much instantly who is wheat and you is chaff.... You're contradicting yourself

Op - there will be posters who say you must wait three dates or six months or whatever. There will be loads of other posters saying they slept with their husband of 87 years on the first date.

Do what you want. If a bloke likes you he'll want to see you again regardless.
Who cares

Show quote history

How am I contradicting myself?

youre not going to know who’s just looking for only sex, because well, people aren’t always honest about that.

MarkingBad · 01/02/2025 22:32

There is no hard and fast rule that holding out for a long term relationship works any better than just doing what feels right at the time.

Correlation does not equal causation. It may just seem like that because dating is often a numbers game. Outside of that many men and women just love to judge anyone who enjoys sex and finding some way of trying to make you stop.enjoying yourself.

So fuck em, quite literally.

Thegoatliesdownonbroadway · 01/02/2025 22:33

shagaway

brunettemic · 01/02/2025 22:34

RitaFromTheRanch · 01/02/2025 22:24

You do you

I think OP wants to do someone else 😂😉

Lovelysummerdays · 01/02/2025 22:34

I get your point but I quite like the build up to sex. It’s like being engrossed in a book. It doesn’t really matter how good the End is I’m still disappointed that it’s over.

Findacleverusername · 01/02/2025 22:35

If sex is the most important part of a relationship for you then I suppose it's a logical thing to do.
I know some long term relationships start off as sex between strangers but personally I think getting to know some one and their personality and interests before having sex is a better foundation for a relationship.
But it's your right to do what you want to do.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/02/2025 22:35

I’ve had sex on first dates, third dates, and after quite a few more dates due to logistics. It’s never been any indication of how things are going to go afterwards.

I’ve also had sex with men, realised that we weren’t sexually compatible at all or they weren’t very good in bed, and decided not to see them again as a result. I suspect that quite a lot of the time the same is true when you have sex and the man doesn’t want to see you again. How long you wait isn’t going to change that outcome. It’s just how things are sometimes, but a lot of people don’t want to bruise their egos by acknowledging that.

Poppyseeds79 · 01/02/2025 22:37

Go with whatever your gut tells you OP. I'd say 3wks with a few solid dates, and plenty of chat and flirting.

Riverswims · 01/02/2025 22:37

MarkingBad · 01/02/2025 22:32

There is no hard and fast rule that holding out for a long term relationship works any better than just doing what feels right at the time.

Correlation does not equal causation. It may just seem like that because dating is often a numbers game. Outside of that many men and women just love to judge anyone who enjoys sex and finding some way of trying to make you stop.enjoying yourself.

So fuck em, quite literally.

Hard and fast lol

ELCismyspiritnana · 01/02/2025 22:41

I think in terms of timing of sex it makes no difference at all in terms of longevity of relationship.

If a guy wants to hump and dump he will (although if you hold out months yeah they are likely to get bored and bugger off, but most can last a few weeks as will have more than one on the go), and if a guy is in to you, he's not going to care (in fact will probably be thrilled) if you get it on on a first date.

If a guy is put off by sex on a first date then he's not compatible with you (and shouldn't do it himself let's be honest!)

Basically, you do what you like!!

Unpaidviewer · 01/02/2025 22:45

Had sex with DH on the first date. Still together 12 years later.

Catza · 01/02/2025 22:46

I'd probably not do it on the first date but yeah, no point dating for months and months just to find out the bloke has a micropenis (happened to me once in my 20s and I vowed to never wait this long again), or that he is a selfish lover. Also, sometimes if I don't feel like having sex right away, I am just not that attracted to the guy so no point dragging it out. I actually did wait about eight weeks with one of my exes and we ended up having a largely sexless 6-year-long relationship. Has sex with my last partner on the second date and we lived together for three years. I am dating someone now and we've been on 4 dates so far and I am planning to have sex with him next time I see him. He is a stellar bloke so far but, who knows, sex may be crappy in which case it ain't worth it.
I've also hooked up with men specifically to have sex. Nothing wrong with that so long as you are both on the same page. I don't expect them to follow up afterwards.

fatedtopretend · 01/02/2025 22:46

I knew my partner as friend for years, asked him on a date, the 2 weeks prior to the date we text a lot.
We knew we liked each other so agreed to meet at his pre date to have ice breaker sex so neither of us were nervous!

If you like sex have it sooner rather than later-it would be awful playing it hard to get only to end up not liking what's been got.

Quietnowplease · 01/02/2025 22:47

Unpaidviewer · 01/02/2025 22:45

Had sex with DH on the first date. Still together 12 years later.

Bingo!

Thebrandnewdeal · 01/02/2025 22:47

My DP was a one night stand. Knew him for at least 2 hours before we had sex 🤣. Still very happy 5 year later.

myotherusernamesarebetter · 01/02/2025 22:49

Unpaidviewer · 01/02/2025 22:45

Had sex with DH on the first date. Still together 12 years later.

Same, but 16 years together.

ARealitycheck · 01/02/2025 22:49

If you are dating with a view to a relationship, then yes OP, I see no reason to wait 'X' time before sex. A person can be beautiful and engaging, but if you feel no chemistry in the bedroom the first couple of times, it is unlikely to improve. With that I don't mean cums to quick or other things that can be sorted with communication.

I think as adults, some of us get far too hung up on sex being a commodity that should only be given sparingly. If two adults willingly partake and it isn't what either wish to continue. No loss, no foul.

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