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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have sex within the first few dates?

125 replies

Pumpkinpiedream · 01/02/2025 22:23

I would like a long term relationship but I keep reading that to get one , you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc. Apparently if you have sex too soon, they will either dump you after they get it or it will turn into a situationship.
My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Grako · 01/02/2025 22:52

I had sex on our first date. 8 years in now. I was 45 at the time

LostittoBostik · 01/02/2025 22:52

Haven't dated for years (am married) but my calculation is would be whether I thought there would be a chance I'd regret not taking the opportunity.

I do have some regrets from my 20s, for not being a bit more carefree. If I was to date again I'd probably loosen up a bit and less worries about these arbitrary rules.

BunnyLake · 01/02/2025 22:53

It really depends on the person. I’ve had relationships that have lasted years where we slept together on the third date (which for some reason seems to be a popular number).

SoulMole · 01/02/2025 22:54

20 years into this one night stand.

Enough4me · 01/02/2025 22:55

Waiting 6 weeks seems long, but I'd have at least 3 dates to try to check compatability and so it's more relaxed. No set rules with dating though!

ARealitycheck · 01/02/2025 22:55

SoulMole · 01/02/2025 22:54

20 years into this one night stand.

I hope you have put out since! 😅

Franjipanl8r · 01/02/2025 23:05

Me and now DH slept together on the 2nd date, we were in our 30s. 2 kids and 10 years later we couldn’t be happier! Don’t overthink it!

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/02/2025 23:12

First date for me and DH, 10 years and 2 kids in now. If there is chemistry I don’t think it matters when.

Noeey · 01/02/2025 23:13

Each to their own, I'd rather not shag a random stranger I mean I did when I was a bit younger and had lower standards but my ex use to often throw it in my face that I slept with him on the first night so I wouldn't again and personally for me I think I would rather wait and build up to it as lots of men will just sleep with you the first night then ghost you, yes that can happen after a few weeks but I think it will weed out those that expect it on the first night.

BlueMum16 · 01/02/2025 23:14

I like sex. It happens when it happens..it's not about games, waiting, delaying.

If you are going to last as a couple the time it takes until you do.the deed is irrelevant.

seaelephant · 01/02/2025 23:22

You do you and ignore what anyone else says. I've always have sex on the first or second date, you gotta taste the milk before you buy the cow

Screamingabdabz · 01/02/2025 23:27

I would have sex if I wanted to have sex. I didn’t consult a book of rules. Men will have integrity or they won’t. You’re not going to know until you’ve seen them in various situations at various times over a long period of time.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/02/2025 23:28

Yanbu! I plan to do the same once I shift this weight 🤭🤭🤭

ServantsGonnaServe · 01/02/2025 23:35

You do you.

I'd have thought anyone not willing to "hold out" would be more likely to be crap because if they have a lot of early sex then I'd have thought that was for their own satisfaction.

Anyone wanting to hold out is more likely, IMO, to value quality over quantity and therefore more willing to put the work into seduction, sex, their life in general.

Not everyone, obviously, but I think I link quality and delayed gratification.

Dumping someone for being crap in bed after 2 weeks vs 2 months isn't much time wasted.

lilyanna80 · 01/02/2025 23:36

Do whatever you like. Every long term relationship of mine started with sex from date one or two and it didn’t put them off! One married me.

samarrange · 01/02/2025 23:39

Pumpkinpiedream · 01/02/2025 22:23

I would like a long term relationship but I keep reading that to get one , you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc. Apparently if you have sex too soon, they will either dump you after they get it or it will turn into a situationship.
My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me. Thoughts?

I keep reading that to get one, you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc.

This sounds like advice from the Facebook School Of Made-Up Bollocks Masquerading As Psychology. Have sex whenever you and the other person think it's right.

Ace56 · 02/02/2025 00:34

I think a lot of posters don’t realise how bad the dating climate is now. SO many men these days who just don’t want to commit. It’s worse than it was 5/10 years ago.

For this reason I would wait for a least a few dates, suss him out, how he treats you, if he’s pushing for sex etc. This way you can at least attempt to weed out the ones who only want one thing (although sometimes this doesn’t work and they’ll still ghost you after sex)…

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 00:42

Sex can be bonding for women. We literally have a surge of oxytocin when we orgasm. So by having sex early on, you're increasing your chance of falling in love with a guy you don't really know.

Men on the other hand have no similar surge of hormones. They can separate sex and emotion much more easily.

So I think if you're trying to find a serious life long partner, you might be better holding off from sex for a while so you can consider them a bit more dispassionately.

On the other hand, your logic also works. It just might lead to some heartache before you meet someone who's serious about you.

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 00:45

Icanttakethisanymore · 01/02/2025 22:27

Honestly, if someone likes you, they like you. Playing games only makes a difference if someone it’s in the fence imo. Have sex if you want to and if feels natural. If he doesn’t want to go long term with you because ‘you’ put out then he’s a twat anyway.

Exactly

DramaAlpaca · 02/02/2025 00:45

I think you do whatever you are comfortable with. It's different for everyone.

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 00:49

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 00:42

Sex can be bonding for women. We literally have a surge of oxytocin when we orgasm. So by having sex early on, you're increasing your chance of falling in love with a guy you don't really know.

Men on the other hand have no similar surge of hormones. They can separate sex and emotion much more easily.

So I think if you're trying to find a serious life long partner, you might be better holding off from sex for a while so you can consider them a bit more dispassionately.

On the other hand, your logic also works. It just might lead to some heartache before you meet someone who's serious about you.

Eh? Oxytocin drives ejaculation doesn’t it?

I know there’s a theory that women are on average more emotionally invested in sex, but I am pretty sure that there is no simple explanation for it like that, even if it’s true. (I’m not sure it is, or certainly not all the time.)

Cushioncut · 02/02/2025 00:52

If you'd like a long term relationship and you don't have one, I think you have to admit what you're doing isn't working for you. It may not be woke but people don't tend to value what comes easily. Don't you want to know if they are a good prospect and are trustworthy before you get involved?

IdaPrentice · 02/02/2025 00:54

Someone I admire wrote a memoir in which she said, when she was a young woman she 'gave her body to men I wouldn't loan my car to'.

That really struck me. I did the same when I was younger - now I would value myself more.

It's not wrong to have sex on the first date. But I wouldn't recommend it.

EBearhug · 02/02/2025 00:55

My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me.

Totally agree with this. I don't want yo get emotionally invested in someone who turns out to be crap in bed.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/02/2025 01:00

IdaPrentice · 02/02/2025 00:54

Someone I admire wrote a memoir in which she said, when she was a young woman she 'gave her body to men I wouldn't loan my car to'.

That really struck me. I did the same when I was younger - now I would value myself more.

It's not wrong to have sex on the first date. But I wouldn't recommend it.

That only works if you believe sex is something women give to men.