To want to have sex within the first few dates?

[Pumpkinpiedream]

I would like a long term relationship but I keep reading that to get one , you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc. Apparently if you have sex too soon, they will either dump you after they get it or it will turn into a situationship.
My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me. Thoughts?

Did you call him out on his double standards? Maybe tell him that if he’d slept with you on the first date you would have thrown him back because he was too easy. Funny how you’ve interpreted that as a compliment to you but not realised that he would have happily slept with you (and anyone else who would) without a second thought about his role in it.

Do what you want op go and live dont worry what others say go have some fun.
Im a right slag on holiday but a lady at home.
I never holiday in the uk.
Do i care no not one bit.
Im single and loving it having more fun now at nearly 40 than i had in my 20s.
No plans to stop.

I think the view that it is best to take it slow comes from the idea that some men pursue what they value - jobs, cars, homes etc and women. They will also put value on sex. The theory is, although they might have sex shortly after meeting a woman, they won’t value her as a long term option.

I think that’s true for some men whereas some don’t think that way at all. The trouble is you have absolutely no way of knowing what they really think about it until after the deed is done. You can ask beforehand but they can lie.

Sex with someone you barely know can exciting in its own way, maybe even the danger is part of that. You will find out if you are physically compatible and then in time you might find you aren’t compatible in any other way. So having sex soon after meeting doesn’t really save much time.

And I think for some people cutting ties when the sex is good to move on to the next possible partner isn’t easy. Great sex can be rather addictive. So you can end up in an unsatisfying relationship especially once the thrill of him being new wears off.

In my experience if you have sex straight away then the relationship can sometimes just become all about the sex and without any of the other essential elements that make up a strong relationship. I agree sex is important and understand why you don't want to waste your time if you're not going to be sexually compatible.
I think if the moment feels right then go with your feelings, you'll soon get the measure of the other person and work out if they have an agenda. I did sleep with my now husband the first night we met but I think it's rare that it works out like this. In some ways I wish I'd held off for a couple of weeks and it would have felt more special, in my mind it was casual sex and I wasn't looking for a husband. But life's too short to have these kind of regrets. I think you can only go with what feels right and hopefully by the time you go to bed with someone you will at least have had some decent communication so you have some idea of what to expect from them.

My only issue would be that if you get a reputation for having sex on the first or second date, I think there are too many men out there who are happy to hump and dump. They tell their mates you are an easy lay and you end up with a reputation as a fanny drop drawers and the chances of a serious, long lasting relationship recedes. Happened to a colleague who got a reputation as a Martini girl. She thought she was sexually liberated, the men thought she was a dead cert. she is still alone at 58.

But if you think the sex is worth it, crack on.

Surely this only applies if you’re still at school, or live in a very very tiny town and never leave. I’m reasonably sure the men I’ve had sex with don’t even know any of the others exist, let alone how to tell each other about my sexual exploits!

What’s wrong with being single at whatever age? Perhaps if more women accepted it as a perfectly valid way to live rather than chase relationships we wouldn’t have the fallout of so many shit relationships and children growing up in toxic environments because they have a mother who thinks being on her own is a fate worse than death.

Have you time travelled from a much earlier era? With the whole ‘reputation’, martinis, ‘Fanny drop drawers’ and being ‘alone at 58’ as a fate worse than death stuff?

If a man ‘doesn’t value’ women who have sex early on, then I don’t want a long term relationship with him anyway, so if I sleep with him and never hear from him again, that’s just a bullet dodged. I wouldn’t feel ‘used’ or anything because I only have sex if I want it. To me, sex is not some kind of precious gift to be offered to a man like some kind of weird sacrifice. It’s just a thing I want to do for fun with someone I find attractive and I like it as much as they do. If the sex was awful then I wouldn’t continue the relationship, and I’d rather that was established early on.

I really don’t believe in playing mind games and following ‘rules’ in dating.

And yes, this too. It suggests serially shagging in the same small social group. I had sex with a lot of people when I was single, and I doubt any of them even knew one another.

I had sex with DP before the first date. Met at a house party and a few hours later he was in my bed. Over a decade later he's still here. Hadn't really planned on that.

I'm reading all these "theories" about how men will think less of you if you sleep with them with bafflement. Centreing and second-guessing what men might think over what you actually want seems an unhealthy way to live. I don't think I ever once worried what men might think. I wasn't looking for a relationship (in fact, actively didn't want one) and even if I was, any man who thought less of me for sleeping with him wasn't someone I wanted in my life.

In practice I never found that to be the case anyway.

What adult woman, in 2025, is dating men who all know each other and talk about the women they’ve slept with? It’s not sixth form, or a village in a Thomas Hardy novel. People aren’t dating in a weird microcosm of judgement where everyone’s comparing notes.

I had sex on the first date with my partner and have absolutely no regrets. There was lots of chemistry, we had been talking lots on WhatsApp beforehand and it felt right.

This made me giggle. ‘Unknown Thomas Hardy novel discovered in archive — FANNY DROP DRAWERS: THE DEAD CERT OF WESSEX.’

Sort of Far From the Madding Crowd meets Carry on.

DH and I had sex on the second date and are still together after 13 years.

I think if it's going to work out, it probably will whether you have sex on the 2nd date or after 6 weeks.

The problem is more that if it doesn't, you might wish you'd never slept with that person in the first place.

My DH was a one-night stand I picked up at a party and booked into a nearby hotel with within about 3 hours. We have been married for 20 years this year.

This!! So much. You need to avoid falling in love until you've worked out whether they are an arsehole it not. If sex doesn't make you more likely to fall for someone (it does me) then by all means crack on. But if it's going to blind you and make you biased, hold off a tad til you've worked out if the bloke is a total prick.

First date sex still together 29 years later 😊

I think it comes down to how important sex is in a relationship to you, for me there are a lot of other things that are far more important and I'd rather make sure they're in place before I have sex. I'm also not interested in having sex with people I don't really know.
But if sex is one of the most important things to you and you want to make sure you're compatible early on then why waste time waiting? Do what works for you.

it up to how comfortable you and the other person are. You can have your only looking for sex radar active, but some people slip through it. but those guys are obvious.

But it’s important to let the sex organically develop. It’s never great to feel under pressure to have sex.

I have had long term relationships that I have had sex very quickly into it. Some were weeks or a few months - disappointing to find out had no compatibility here.

DP and me waited 4 weeks and over many dates. I fancied him and he did me. But we were enjoying time to get to know each other. 3 years later and happy

I think you play very much by ear. I have had sex on a first date, but generally I would go 2-3 dates before doing so to make sure I was comfortable enough with the person. Any more seems to string it out a bit TBH and sex is important to me so I would not have gone a long time before doing so. I know some groups for religous reasons would wait until marriage but I do not think that is for most people.

So do you ghost or end things once you have sec? As you like the thrill
if the chase ( lead up )

Just do whatever feels comfortable for you, I had sex on the first date, I wanted to as soon as I saw him 😂 four years later we have a house, dog, baby and another on the way!

Also on another note, if it is the kind of guy who would ghost you after sleeping with you it's probably better to find that out early on!

Twenty seven years for us!

When I think about my sexual/relationship history there has usually been a conversation about either having sex, no strings, or about having feelings for someone which have devoped over some time (weeks or months). I don't ever recall a relationship developing out of something that was just going to be sex. I think then, that it's all about communication.

Definitely have to wait for chemistry to develop before I gave sex, that can take mere hours or longer.