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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have sex within the first few dates?

125 replies

Pumpkinpiedream · 01/02/2025 22:23

I would like a long term relationship but I keep reading that to get one , you need to hold out on sex in order to make sure the person is serious about you etc. Apparently if you have sex too soon, they will either dump you after they get it or it will turn into a situationship.
My logic for having sex early is to see how good the sex is basically as that's pretty important to me and also if they are gonna ghost me after sex , I'd rather they did it sooner rather than waiting 6 weeks in to do it and then they ghost me. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Crazyworldmum · 02/02/2025 01:23

You do what you want to do ! There is no right or wrong . Just like you I think sex is important and if you are not compatible in sex it’s doomed

MarkingBad · 02/02/2025 01:38

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 00:49

Eh? Oxytocin drives ejaculation doesn’t it?

I know there’s a theory that women are on average more emotionally invested in sex, but I am pretty sure that there is no simple explanation for it like that, even if it’s true. (I’m not sure it is, or certainly not all the time.)

Show quote history

Yes you are right it does it helps to propel sperm and it is likely to have a similar effect on men in terms of bonding, particularly in early stage relationships. It's part of a reward system, and it is likely to be part of why men need physical intimacy even if it is just closeness to feel loved much like women do. But it is a really complex hormone.

There is some weird idea that male and female humans are in some ways different species and sex is something men do to women and we let them. UGH I hate that idea. It might be true for some of course but it's not part of my lived experience I want to take full part in sex, not lie back and think of the UK

Noeey · 02/02/2025 02:17

Mine is the women at my kids school who insist on getting their prams on the busiest bus ever literally no where to stand or move to go ONE stop! Drives me mad every time they force their massive prams on make everyone move out the way for them just to go one stop. Honestly don't get it and before anyone says maybe they are disabled etc there's several of them that do ur doubt they are all disabled and we live in London the bus stops are extremely close together! Also most of them get on at the back so don't pay, didn't realise buses were free for people with prams. Rant over!

Noeey · 02/02/2025 02:18

Wrong thread I hate the app!!!

farmlife2 · 02/02/2025 02:30

You do what's right for you. It wouldn't be right for me, but we're all different. Someone would be lucky to get past hand holding on a first date with me, and that's only if I was feeling it.

Ladyj84 · 02/02/2025 04:34

Not for me

brassandswitch · 02/02/2025 04:38

From experience, most of the men my friends have had sex with one the first date, it's never gone anywhere after, whereas the ones they've made wait, it has gone somewhere. My partner even said to me if I had slept with him on the first date he wouldn't of been half as interested in me, as he would've thought I was 'easy' and that was a huge turn off for him and he enjoyed the chase much more. But not all men are the same.

Hearmeout2023 · 02/02/2025 04:40

I think do it when it feels right u could hold out and hate the sex and thats a massive part. If u dont want to have sex with him
thats prob an issue. Get it out the way

MyIvyGrows · 02/02/2025 04:45

My partner even said to me if I had slept with him on the first date he wouldn't of been half as interested in me, as he would've thought I was 'easy' and that was a huge turn off for him and he enjoyed the chase much more.

But would he have been “easy” for sleeping with you? He sounds dreadful.

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 08:11

theduchessofspork · 02/02/2025 00:49

Eh? Oxytocin drives ejaculation doesn’t it?

I know there’s a theory that women are on average more emotionally invested in sex, but I am pretty sure that there is no simple explanation for it like that, even if it’s true. (I’m not sure it is, or certainly not all the time.)

Show quote history

Vasopressin, and like, a small amount.

I'm just saying, it's something to consider - you may, like many women, find it very difficult not to get feelings for anyone who gives you an orgasm.

Guavafish1 · 02/02/2025 08:12

Your life

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/02/2025 08:17

brassandswitch · 02/02/2025 04:38

From experience, most of the men my friends have had sex with one the first date, it's never gone anywhere after, whereas the ones they've made wait, it has gone somewhere. My partner even said to me if I had slept with him on the first date he wouldn't of been half as interested in me, as he would've thought I was 'easy' and that was a huge turn off for him and he enjoyed the chase much more. But not all men are the same.

Wow! How depressing.
Are all his other features redeeming 🤔

NormaleKartoffeln · 02/02/2025 08:19

I personally think it's better to wait a bit - while you might want to 'evaluate' the sex it can also make for a false feeling of connection or bonding (when it's really just pleasure chemicals). You do you though, we're not all the same.
PS Am long term married, no interest in dating, it's just a general life experience observation. 😬

chargeitup · 02/02/2025 08:29

@Catza

I'd probably not do it on the first date but yeah, no point dating for months and months just to find out the bloke has a micropenis (happened to me once in my 20s
It's a strange hypocrisy that most women would agree (including me 😬) that upon discovering a micro penis I couldn't continue. Yet we would be fairly critical of me. Who dumped a woman for having 'messy' and atypical vulva/labia arrangement

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 08:34

I’ve been married for forever, but when I wasn’t I always had sex with someone pretty early, as I didn’t want to fall for someone who turned out to be selfish or bad in bed. It’s a perfectly sensible plan.

I slept with DH on our first date. In 1992.

monsterfish · 02/02/2025 08:35

Its a perfectly reasonable rational. It is not not men who decide whether they want to take a relationship forward, women do too and if incompatible sex is a deal breaker best to find out sooner rather than later. Maybe date 3 rather than 1 though.

chargeitup · 02/02/2025 08:35

fatedtopretend · 01/02/2025 22:46

I knew my partner as friend for years, asked him on a date, the 2 weeks prior to the date we text a lot.
We knew we liked each other so agreed to meet at his pre date to have ice breaker sex so neither of us were nervous!

If you like sex have it sooner rather than later-it would be awful playing it hard to get only to end up not liking what's been got.

Ice breaker sex 😂

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 02/02/2025 08:39

LostittoBostik · 01/02/2025 22:52

Haven't dated for years (am married) but my calculation is would be whether I thought there would be a chance I'd regret not taking the opportunity.

I do have some regrets from my 20s, for not being a bit more carefree. If I was to date again I'd probably loosen up a bit and less worries about these arbitrary rules.

This. No rules, no outward or inward judgement.

Just what you want to do in each situation, having or not having sex won't change the outcome if the man is worth having in the long term

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 02/02/2025 08:43

brassandswitch · 02/02/2025 04:38

From experience, most of the men my friends have had sex with one the first date, it's never gone anywhere after, whereas the ones they've made wait, it has gone somewhere. My partner even said to me if I had slept with him on the first date he wouldn't of been half as interested in me, as he would've thought I was 'easy' and that was a huge turn off for him and he enjoyed the chase much more. But not all men are the same.

This is a great example of what I said in my pp post.

If a man is worth having then his attitude to whether or not you have sex won't matter.

OP in this example you would have saved your self a relationship with an archaic misogynist if you had sex on the first night.

Catza · 02/02/2025 08:58

chargeitup · 02/02/2025 08:29

@Catza

I'd probably not do it on the first date but yeah, no point dating for months and months just to find out the bloke has a micropenis (happened to me once in my 20s
It's a strange hypocrisy that most women would agree (including me 😬) that upon discovering a micro penis I couldn't continue. Yet we would be fairly critical of me. Who dumped a woman for having 'messy' and atypical vulva/labia arrangement

Nah, I'm good with that too. Although the issue with this guy wasn't the size but the fact that he didn't do anything else except PoV which I didn't even know was happening as couldn't feel it. I've since had an amazing affair with a guy who seldom penetrated me at all (wasn't his thing, apparently) and sex was awesome. I am also bisexual and have no issues pulling back from women with a vulva that doesn't move me or, gasp, a bush. Six years of sexless relationship gave me permission to make these choices. No matter how much I love/like a person, if something bugs me, there simply is no point sticking with it.

myladyjane · 02/02/2025 09:02

My instinct is to say you do you. I am not one who equates a great deal of emotional value to sex. Back in the pre dh days I had sex because I was curious, because I was horny, because I really really fancied my mates boyfriends mate (who was a cracking shag). DH started out as a fwb deal and we've been together not far off 30 years now.

I also resent comments about low self esteem or valuing myself. I valued myself but liked sex. It was fun. I genuinely only once felt bad after because he wasn't very kind.

But I also think another poster above made a really important point that wasn't a thing in my time which was dating attitudes today. It's all fine for me who hasn't slept with anyone else since 1999 to relate my feelings and experience but that doesn't seem to be the way of the world any more and over the past 5 years there seems to be a complexity to navigate that just wasn't there for me.

Hold yourself at the centre op.

BarbedButterfly · 02/02/2025 09:06

Do what you want and if they ditch you after, their loss. I had sex with my current partner the same night we met and we are together almost 5 years on. In fact,.last few relationships were similar really and all long term

Mirrorxxx · 02/02/2025 09:16

I had sex with my dh the day we met. Been married 10 years. It has no impact on the outcome of a relationship

TunipTheVegimal24 · 02/02/2025 09:49

I suppose the only other potential pitfall, is that if the sex is good, but the bloke turns out to be a twat, it'll be harder to break up. Plus all the lovely, bond-forming endorphins might cloud your judgement so you're less inclined to believe he's a twat.

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 09:53

TunipTheVegimal24 · 02/02/2025 09:49

I suppose the only other potential pitfall, is that if the sex is good, but the bloke turns out to be a twat, it'll be harder to break up. Plus all the lovely, bond-forming endorphins might cloud your judgement so you're less inclined to believe he's a twat.

I’ve never found it so. There’s nothing more guaranteed to switch off the oxytocin hit than a man opening his mouth and saying something stupid.