Suspicions- have I gone too far?

[Blackdoveinvestigation]

My husband recently went on a stag do to Thailand. I spoke to him often when he was there and I know pretty much all apart from 2 men who went reasonably well.

He has been back for a while and he told me they went to a lady boy show etc. He mentioned the massage parlours but was coy when I was double checking who was single and it seems the single ones had probably been to a seedy one (he said he definitely didn’t and it’s obvious which ones they are).

Anyway, I was feeling like he hadn’t told me the whole story so I had a look at his messages (I know, I know, but he definitely wasn’t giving more info info)

He was having jokes in the messages about where the special massage parlours were and it was v clear one of the single men had definitely been and been to strippers etc. not much to suggest my husband had but he was asking questions.

I then saw a picture of a woman with v little top on that the same single man had sent in. It looked like she was with all of them in a taxi. They were making jokes about this too. He also joked he had pics of my husband ‘cuddling’ at the bar before with the woman. They seemed to be taking the piss but he said ‘oh we don’t need those, delete.’ The group is full of people I know pretty well so I think (hope) it’s mainly in jest.

I asked my husband outright if they’d gone to strippers etc and he said no, why do you keep asking about all of this, why do not trust me etc..

I shouldn’t have looked at the messages because I’m now torturing myself. There’s nothing to suggest he actually did anything and it seems it was all in a group setting (apart from the single guy) but I still have a real problem with it all. But I can’t explicitly say I know this and I’m reluctant to incase it really is a case of ‘boys on holiday’ but they obviously all behave differently to when with the wives etc.

Does anyone have thoughts or advice? I’m really disappointed in all of this and am feeling very insecure.

Well there is really only one reason guys go to Thailand on a stag do and it’s not for the food and culture. They definitely went to strip bars. They all do. I know as I used to live there. Some of the bars are quite tame and some are not.

I know from my husband when we were there it was a bit if a novelty at the beginning to go to the bars but it became boring. But every guy who came to town wanted to go.

Urgh

Thanks. They had one night in Bangkok and then went to Koh toa. Unsure if that makes much difference.

Some wives/family flew out at the end to meet their spouses for a holiday. This is a place that the family go to most years, hence the reason going there.

I don’t think he did anything specifically wrong but the whole attitude and tone of the messages was really disappointing and disgusting tbh. And I know why he wouldn’t tell me everything, because I would not appreciate it.

He also doesn’t drink so no worries about being drunk and behaving differently but that somehow makes me feel worse.

Omg they sound awful.

It sounds gross I'd leave him

It was a stag do. In Thailand. I mean come on…I’d be surprised if they didn’t go and see strippers etc.

You know your husband. Would he go to strip shows with his friends? Is he the type to go back to his hotel when they go to shows? Are his friends the type to cheat?

You checked his phone so you obviously don't trust him.

A group of men on a stag do = men behaving badly.
Ask no questions, you'll be told no lies.

Yeah, I get this. Which is why I wish I’d never looked at the messages. If I view this as some massive betrayal then I have to assume that our friends and their wives would be in a similar position.

I knew it would be seedy, so unsure what I was expecting. But I’d kind of hoped he go along with it a bit but maintain a respectful distance..but obviously they all joke etc in a different way.

I don’t think any of them would cheat. Most were family or bro in laws or long time friends. But the ones encouraging it were the single ones…who I don’t know that well and who u reckon introduced the more gross parts.

I certainly didn’t trust that he was telling me the whole truth, and I was right. It’s just disappointing that I was. He knows I don’t like strip clubs etc. it has been made very clear.

He phoned me most nights quite late and a couple of times he’d gone home early. But he didn’t really say why apart from they were all drunk and he was tired. When he was there he kept saying he wished he was at home or there with us..it’s just the jokes and messages don’t marry up with that in the way I expected.

Your dh sounds like a nice man who was trying to be part of the group whilst not particularly enjoying the ribaldry.
I'd cut him some slack.

You're being very naive.

Thing is, in Thailand the strip bars are almost seen as normal bars, as in women also go into them, they’re open to the street so you can see the women etc.
It’s basically all on display in that area.
I get why you’re feeling insecure, and I would feel uncomfortable too. As a one off, and if his behaviour isn’t normally like this I’d get past it, but tbh, even the fact that this is clearly what his friends are into and the sort of stag they book, would be off putting,

Sorry, OP. But this. I hate calling other women naive, but no decent husband would ever engage in anything like this. Not the messages, not the friends and not the holiday itself. You can try to mask the pain with the ‘boys will be boys’ trope, but at the end of the day, I think you know why this is gnawing at your gut. Raise your bar.

Anyway, I was feeling like he hadn’t told me the whole story so I had a look at his messages (I know, I know, but he definitely wasn’t giving more info info)

It's entirely your own fault that you’ve found out things you’d rather not have known.

This, they all sound alright. Went and saw some strippers big deal 🤷‍♀️ this wouldn't bother me at all, same way it doesn't bother my husband when I've seen male strippers at hen parties etc. I couldn't get worked up about this and I wouldn't have checked my husbands messages. You don't trust him and you need to work on that.

Look but don't touch?

I know if my husband went to that sort of event (unlikely but if he was under pressure from a close group of friends/family) he absolutely would not have a massage or go with anyone. Its perfectly possible he might be in a taxi with a bunch of randoms.

He would go to be part of the group and curiosity, and he'd more likely sit at the bar thinking WTF. Or if he was put in a room with a masseur, it would be exactly that and he would be out of there like a shot with any funny business thinking oh hell. He would not choose to participate.

There would likely be banter on a group chat.

I suppose it depends on if you trust him or not.

I agreed with all of this. I don’t like the behaviour at all, and there’s no excuse for it.
However, I do have to balance if it is worth making into a seminal moment of our 15 year relationship..he obviously took part in things I don’t like but I don’t believe anything went on with him and a woman away from the group in the bars etc. I just find it disrespectful.

But to bring it up would obviously mean admitting to snooping and then I’ll need to explain exactly what I’m upset about. And it’s nothing v specific but the activities etc I, naively as other posters pointed out, hoped wouldn’t be part of the stag..

I just feel like I’m constantly disappointed with men! Is this not archaic behaviour by now! Or is this why they have to go abroad?

He went to Thailand, didn't drink, went home early some nights and had a bit of stupid banter with his mates.

This may not be a popular opinion with other people here but I feel like you're really clutching at some perceived bad behaviour to justify your snooping, which was completely out of order

I don't understand why men who don't like the sex trade go on all male holidays to resorts that are notorious for it. If enough of them declined, then a pre-lad's/stag could be arranged. A night out without strippers and prostitutes. Let the lads who get a thrill from the sex trade go and spend £££s on getting their kicks. But that would mean having a spine and speaking up and resisting any peer pressure, like they were taught to do as children. I'd lay good money on them being able to speak up and saying no if they were invited to an arts & crafts, spa, yoga, creative writing weekend, even a sports weekend they had no interest in.

I'm glad you are confident he didn't physically do anything with anyone and it's just his boy's banter and him being in a cab with the others and a sex worker that bothers you. I lose some respect for men when I hear them talking like that. It's sexist/ misogynistic but to be honest it's the smutty childishness that also gives me the ick. I'm not sure there's much point having a conversation with him about it. That's who is in those situations.

I agree with this OP. What specifically did he say or do that is the most upsetting to you? It's not really clear exactly what he's said in this banter?

Why are people saying he "didn't touch"? He did touch!

If my husband had been getting cuddly with a woman in a bar, anywhere, especially when sober, and then lied about it, he would not be my husband any more.

Being Thailand on a stag doesn't make it ok, it makes it even worse.

100%
The safest and best bar we found was one with pole dancers! We had a male waiter all to ourselves all evening. No hassle off anyone and it was like being anywhere for a drink! We sat outside chatting and laughing at men wasting money and getting rinsed for drinks

Sounds like someone trying to find reasons to justify their invasion of privacy and hasn't found anything