Suspicions- have I gone too far?

[Blackdoveinvestigation]

My husband recently went on a stag do to Thailand. I spoke to him often when he was there and I know pretty much all apart from 2 men who went reasonably well.

He has been back for a while and he told me they went to a lady boy show etc. He mentioned the massage parlours but was coy when I was double checking who was single and it seems the single ones had probably been to a seedy one (he said he definitely didn’t and it’s obvious which ones they are).

Anyway, I was feeling like he hadn’t told me the whole story so I had a look at his messages (I know, I know, but he definitely wasn’t giving more info info)

He was having jokes in the messages about where the special massage parlours were and it was v clear one of the single men had definitely been and been to strippers etc. not much to suggest my husband had but he was asking questions.

I then saw a picture of a woman with v little top on that the same single man had sent in. It looked like she was with all of them in a taxi. They were making jokes about this too. He also joked he had pics of my husband ‘cuddling’ at the bar before with the woman. They seemed to be taking the piss but he said ‘oh we don’t need those, delete.’ The group is full of people I know pretty well so I think (hope) it’s mainly in jest.

I asked my husband outright if they’d gone to strippers etc and he said no, why do you keep asking about all of this, why do not trust me etc..

I shouldn’t have looked at the messages because I’m now torturing myself. There’s nothing to suggest he actually did anything and it seems it was all in a group setting (apart from the single guy) but I still have a real problem with it all. But I can’t explicitly say I know this and I’m reluctant to incase it really is a case of ‘boys on holiday’ but they obviously all behave differently to when with the wives etc.

Does anyone have thoughts or advice? I’m really disappointed in all of this and am feeling very insecure.

Are you his keeper, do you not trust your husband, that's awful x

Not awful at all just well aware of what can happen when even the nicest decent men are drunk and being egged on by mates . Also why would any decent men go on a stag in an area well known for sex trade etc

I’ve never been to Thailand and didn’t realise it was set up so it would be tricky to avoid. excuses

Does it ever matter, unless he came home with a Thai bride

I wouldn't even want to be with a man who went on male stag holidays.

What about female stag holidays?

I honestly couldn’t stand that type of guy… I just couldn’t. I know each to their own but you’re going to Thailand for a stag do? Stay there. Don’t come back. It’s just grim AF to me.

The nicest decent men genuinely don’t do shit like that when they’re drunk and they don’t get egged on by friends because they know who they are.

If you can't bring it up because you don't want to "admit to snooping" perhaps you're projecting. You said you looked because you didn't feel he was telling you the whole truth but you don't want to be wholey truthful either or you'd tell him you looked, didn't find anything to satisfy your curiosity and that the whole situation is still bothering you. You're clearly anxious your husband is being disrespectful and secretive but you're doing the same. If you didn't feel like he was telling you the whole truth you should have pushed the conversation not snoop through his messages.

I’m bowing out now but thanks for all of the helpful comments.

Life is very nuanced and all of the posters above are in the boat I was in before- naive. All sorts of people visit Thailand and I’m fairly sure not every single person pays for some kind of sex act. But the assumptions above, and the generalisations of the area, is part of the reason I became so anxious about it. I literally didn’t care until I started to chatting to people.

Of course I will make excuses for him. And the irony that you’re saying above that there is absolutely only one reason people go to Thailand, and me agreeing that the sex trade is evident everywhere, is then somehow construed to me making excuses. It’s ironic.

Anyway, I wish it hadn’t happened. But here I am! Hopefully any future stags are calmer. Maybe Amsterdam or somewhere..

I’ve been to Thailand with a group of guys and you can’t really avoid the strippers and hookers it’s so ingrained into the culture and tourism in certain areas. I went in plenty of bars that were stop clubs and a lot of the bars just walking around have girls on the bars etc and in the street it’s not like in the UK where it’s all behind closed doors. Honestly you have to see it to believe it I was so desensitised to it after a few days. I was sick of seeing boobs by day 1 they’re everywhere and the novelty / shock value wears off quick. You’re also physically touched and pulled and pressed by naked girls to encourage you into their bars off the street and yes there’s brothels everywhere in plain sight. I am what MN would call a ‘cool wife’ in that nothing really fazes me and I would be bothered about my husband getting a dance, or being comedy spanked by a naked woman or watching a sex show because I have done all of those things in Thailand and it’s not remotely sexy it’s just a bit of fun. Your guy sounds like he tried it keep out of it as best he can. I’d move on if I were you xx

Life is very nuanced and all of the posters above are in the boat I was in before- naive if you say so.. I don't think I'm naive at all but if you want to stay with him regardless of his attitude to women that's up to you isn't it.

I know some women seem to be ok with this but if my DP visited any strip club he would be leaving, no discussion, no coming back.

That poor woman in a taxi being pawed by blokes.
Im long since divorced but I would seriously be considering my options.

I dont disagree with what you are saying. However, there is a huge difference between being in a strip club at a respectful distance, and a lap dance.... I'd not be happy if my DP had a lapdance but I'm much less fussed about him being a club with his friends and having a drink

Exactly. They go to be sex pests and perverts and take advantage of the Thai women.

Go to Magic Mike and take cosy photos with the strippers and then tell your husband it's fine because you didn't grope them.

Hen parties?

Why post then?

Fact is your partner went on a sleezy sex holiday for kicks with women who are forced into sex trades and abused daily.

Now you are defending it. I usednto live in thailand and bangkok so I am very aware of these types of men.

There is a lot of sex trade, but you have to go look for it. I vehemently disagree with pp who said its everywhere.

It is if you stay in sleezy places.

Why you displaying internalised misogyny?Defending someone who supports this trade by paying money to go and support it?

You know he is in the wrong, its pulling in your moral compass but are afraid to stand up to the patriarchal roles in society.

Magic Mike is very different to women who are forced into these jobs to survive. Its basically national sex trafficking.

Very very different from buff men who choose to do it as a living, versus Thai women who are forced into it to survive or trafficked.

100%

I mean yeah and you are right but the OP only seemed worried about the infidelity aspect. But yeah.

It isn't in your face unless you're looking for it. That's a total lie.

I have lived in Thailand for 3 years and travelled intensively. This is utter boll0cks

He's playing you for a fool, they hunted it out intently

Op should still go enjoy magic mike though! Haha

Men go to Thailand without their wives or girlfriends (if they have them) to have illicit sex of some kind. The act of taking that holiday is an act of infidelity. They could go fishing in Yorkshire and overnight in an airbnb if they just wanted to hang out with their friends. But you've left, OP, so you'll never have the benefit of my common sense response.