Suspicions- have I gone too far?

[Blackdoveinvestigation]

My husband recently went on a stag do to Thailand. I spoke to him often when he was there and I know pretty much all apart from 2 men who went reasonably well.

He has been back for a while and he told me they went to a lady boy show etc. He mentioned the massage parlours but was coy when I was double checking who was single and it seems the single ones had probably been to a seedy one (he said he definitely didn’t and it’s obvious which ones they are).

Anyway, I was feeling like he hadn’t told me the whole story so I had a look at his messages (I know, I know, but he definitely wasn’t giving more info info)

He was having jokes in the messages about where the special massage parlours were and it was v clear one of the single men had definitely been and been to strippers etc. not much to suggest my husband had but he was asking questions.

I then saw a picture of a woman with v little top on that the same single man had sent in. It looked like she was with all of them in a taxi. They were making jokes about this too. He also joked he had pics of my husband ‘cuddling’ at the bar before with the woman. They seemed to be taking the piss but he said ‘oh we don’t need those, delete.’ The group is full of people I know pretty well so I think (hope) it’s mainly in jest.

I asked my husband outright if they’d gone to strippers etc and he said no, why do you keep asking about all of this, why do not trust me etc..

I shouldn’t have looked at the messages because I’m now torturing myself. There’s nothing to suggest he actually did anything and it seems it was all in a group setting (apart from the single guy) but I still have a real problem with it all. But I can’t explicitly say I know this and I’m reluctant to incase it really is a case of ‘boys on holiday’ but they obviously all behave differently to when with the wives etc.

Does anyone have thoughts or advice? I’m really disappointed in all of this and am feeling very insecure.

I agree.

You say yourself you trust that he's not cheated. The banter with the others is not great but also, from what you've said, not egging on anyone, not degrading the women, more just laughing at each other.

I'm sorry but I also think you're naive. A group of men in Bangkok will go to a strip show. Some will do more than just watching. Even if they're married, even if they're only there for one night, even if they're "nice" guys.
For me, a strip club on a stag do (as a one off) isn't a deal breaker and I wouldn't be obsessing about it and interrogating him. Sleeping with a prostitute is another matter though.

It’s the way it was discussed. The jokes about him sitting with this woman chatting ‘cuddling’ for ages- I think they were taking the piss out of him for sitting with her. but why do this? She is obviously in the bar to make men feel ‘special’ in whatever way and he was sucked into it.

Then this woman in the taxi (the single guy admitted he’d paid for something and then they were all ‘benefitting’ from being there with her, basically half naked) I’m guessing she was going back with the single guy.
My husband joined in with the joking and I hoped that he wouldn’t have. It’s demeaning to the woman.

Obviously my expectation of all of them was too high, which is very disappointing tbh. That we almost have to expect a bit of this on a stag. It wouldn’t happen on a hen.

I probably won’t mention it because it seems like it’s more the attitude and I was obviously naive/had higher standards, which was stupid. But as mentioned, I’d struggle to explicitly point out and make him see the issue.

As for the pp above who explains her husband would likely stick with the group but feel uncomfortable (maybe mine did this but the jokes sound like he enjoyed it/found it. Funny) then I’d hope he’d tell me that instead of very limited information!

I certainly wouldn't end up 15 year relationship over this. I would if he had actually had sex with someone or had initiated anything but he's just gone along with the group. The whole idea of sex tourism is really revolting though.

The women drape themselves on men, hoping to sell drinks and earn money. It doesn’t mean he was actually cuddling her.
If you have no reason to suspect a problem, other than you looking where you shouldn’t have been, I wouldn’t worry.

I'm constantly disappointed with men tbh. I feel like it should be archaic behaviour, but it isn't and that's why they slope off abroad to do it in relative privacy. Honestly I'd change sides if it was as simple as choosing to. Perpetually disappointed in myself for being so heterosexual 😆

Then why isn't he being completely transparent with his wife? He was being coy and she could tell he wasn't telling her the whole story..

It wouldn't happen on a hen.

@Blackdoveinvestigation Not to derail, but I've seen some revolting behaviour on hen nights. Including things that would be considered pretty serious sexual assault had the sexes been reversed.

As to the question itself, you know your husband but I'm inclined to agree with @BlueMum16. Disappointing though it may be to see jokes and banter you don't like.

Stop snooping in his messages. He was on a stag do in Thailand. Strippers and ladyboys are the norm. If he'd gone on a business trip there, you'd be justified in your suspicions. You're going to drive a wedge between you with your jealousy.

Thanks. I take everyone’s advice on board. I’m going to leave it.

I think I’m obviously more disappointed that men behaving like this or sitting in bars/taxis with sex workers/topless women is still seen as ok, and you’re naive if you don’t like it/expect it. So I think I’m probably more disappointed that we still have to accept it all. And my husband was complicit. The single guys were gross and had mentioned paying to lick a nipple etc.. so I think if they hadn’t been there then it wouldn’t have been quite so bad.

I had just hoped my husband would be less involved. But I’ve never been to Thailand and didn’t realise it was set up so it would be tricky to avoid.

But thanks for-mostly- talking me down!

They were a group of blokes on a stag do in Thailand. It's what I would expect to happen. If you look at his messages this is the sort of thing you're going to see.

I would let it go. You have no evidence he's done anything wrong. Or talk to him and tell him how unhappy you are.

I think it's the disappointment that's the biggie OP - the realisation that your special person is 'just like all the rest' I felt like this when I found out my H was busy watching porn behind my back 4 or 5 times a week whilst outwardly being very much a 'new man' - very supportive of women etc - but I realised I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face and creating hardship for myself - so I pretend I am unaware and to be frank he went down in my estimation from a 98% er to more like 70% . Most Men are like sheep when in groups of men- few like to 'lose face' - a great many feel the need to be seen as 'lads' - I wouldn't though let it be the hill to die on - I would be annoyed and disappointed though

I get your disappointment OP. You believed he wasn't "like that" and you now know that given the right environment/circumstances he is exactly "like that".

However, I think it's important to remember that humans are fallible and no one behaves perfectly 100% of the time. Men and women.

This doesn't mean that you can't be disappointed and talk to him about it/your feelings on this,just that you need some perspective too.

I'm sorry but that is totally nonsense. 'No decent husband'... honestly. There are so many things wrong with this statement. He's on a stag, in a group. What's he meant to do while the others go off? Say 'sorry boys, the wife won't like it'... jeez. I know MN will probably jump on me for this but strippers have been a large component for hen/stag dos for a long time and will be for many years to come. It's a bit of fun, as long as he's not shagging a random stripper is it really a big deal? A betrayal? I dont think so. Usually they'll walk around, offer private dances and as long as the man says no and doesn't touch its no reason to get upset. OP, if he's usually a decent man I'd let it go, put it down to wanting to be one of the boys and forget about it. Are you ever likely to be invited to a hen do with a stripper involved? Would you see it as a betrayal to attend or would you Keep a respectful distance? It's just a bit of fun.

Strippers are not 'a bit of fun'.
I accept men drink far too much on stag dos, but going to Thailand is asking for strippers/sex etc.
I would be so disappointed in my sons if they agreed to go on a stag do to Thailand. I am a widow, but my late husband also believed men going to Thailand was a big red flag!

He made jokes?? Divorce the evil bastard.

Or use that to justify your snooping, whatever you like. I can lend you some pearls.....

I would have filed the divorce papers as soon as he got on the plane.

He is a disgusting excuse of a man. Hopefully, he is not a father yet.

You OK hun?

Why are women always so shocked when men do this kind of thing? It’s a man thing and he sounds like a good husband generally, so not a problem. It’s not like he’s going to prostitutes left right and centre. ( which a lot of men do and just don’t talk about).

We're apparently in a minority but I know there is No WAY my husband would ever remotely contemplate a stag in Thailand, knowing exactly what men get up to there.

It's not a 'man thing', it's a misogynist fuckwit's thing.

You'd leave him because there's evidence his mate went to a strip club?

Overreaction?

I woukdnt worry, sounds harmless to me, he is just doing the lad banter, you know you shouldn't have looked at his phone, put it out of your head x

So, your dh is a misogynist who doesn’t mind exploiting women from developing countries. All of his stupid messages suggest he’s an airhead too.

Your opinion on strippers are valid for you and only you. Personally I don’t see it as ‘a bit of fun’ to celebrate your upcoming vows to your life partner by having a pair of tits rubbed in your face or being dry humped with a lap dance. Clearly OP shares this.

There’s a lot of shit that has been part of the zeitgeist for decades – that doesn’t mean anyone has to accept it.

What's he meant to do while the others go off? Say 'sorry boys, the wife won't like it'.

Yep. Or better yet – I value my spouse’s feelings and our relationship over being shamed by my man-child mates and paying for women’s bodies.

I would leave my husband too.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who goes to strip clubs or take any part in that kind of thing.

It's ok though, my husband wouldn't go, and if he did then he is not for me. misogynistic behaviour and pathetic 'lad banter'.. no thank you.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds grim.