Suspicions- have I gone too far?

[Blackdoveinvestigation]

My husband recently went on a stag do to Thailand. I spoke to him often when he was there and I know pretty much all apart from 2 men who went reasonably well.

He has been back for a while and he told me they went to a lady boy show etc. He mentioned the massage parlours but was coy when I was double checking who was single and it seems the single ones had probably been to a seedy one (he said he definitely didn’t and it’s obvious which ones they are).

Anyway, I was feeling like he hadn’t told me the whole story so I had a look at his messages (I know, I know, but he definitely wasn’t giving more info info)

He was having jokes in the messages about where the special massage parlours were and it was v clear one of the single men had definitely been and been to strippers etc. not much to suggest my husband had but he was asking questions.

I then saw a picture of a woman with v little top on that the same single man had sent in. It looked like she was with all of them in a taxi. They were making jokes about this too. He also joked he had pics of my husband ‘cuddling’ at the bar before with the woman. They seemed to be taking the piss but he said ‘oh we don’t need those, delete.’ The group is full of people I know pretty well so I think (hope) it’s mainly in jest.

I asked my husband outright if they’d gone to strippers etc and he said no, why do you keep asking about all of this, why do not trust me etc..

I shouldn’t have looked at the messages because I’m now torturing myself. There’s nothing to suggest he actually did anything and it seems it was all in a group setting (apart from the single guy) but I still have a real problem with it all. But I can’t explicitly say I know this and I’m reluctant to incase it really is a case of ‘boys on holiday’ but they obviously all behave differently to when with the wives etc.

Does anyone have thoughts or advice? I’m really disappointed in all of this and am feeling very insecure.

Nor mine. He’d find it completely ludicrous. He wouldn’t be friends with anyone like this either.

@Didimum totally agree and whilst there are women who go along with it and are ok with it , then men will continue to think it's just a bit of 'secretive fun' - they won't find it quite so much fun if wives dump them because of it taking half their assets. Same goes for copious porn use, sexting, sleazy webcams, massage parlours , escorts etc.

Better than you are!

It is just gross 🤮. I have worked with trafficked sex workers and these types of stag holidays are revolting. I mean child trafficking is rife in Thailand.

FWIW I wouldn’t go out with any man that engages in any of these sex tourist destinations stag holidays.

I must be doing something right because I’ve never felt the need to question any of my boyfriends about this type of thing because they have all had integrity and respect for other human beings.

You do realise he may have gone and not told you, never be too smug 🤣

It sounds as though your husband is probably guilty of collusion rather than active participation. A spineless and pathetic attempt to play both sides at once. Trying to stay in with 'the lads' at the same time as trying to maintain his respectable "would far rather be with you Darling" persona to you. Obviously it would be ideal to think the man you were married to had the courage of his convictions/social conscience/decency to actively disasociate. But in truth, many don't. Up to you whether weak character is a deal breaker I suppose.

The whole trip sounds grimy. I'd be unimpressed if DH wanted to go on a stag do to any place where there would be stripping and dodgy massage parlours. I don't see why any straight man would be interested in seeing lady-boys, either, tbh! The entire thing is gross.

But it's done, now, and there's no way to ever knowing the truth about what happened, so probably best to forget about it if you're not willing to split over it. I would make it clear that I found the whole thing disgusting and would want him to opt out if something like this comes up again.

I can safely say that no, he has not been to a strip club.

I know some people desperately need to convince themselves that all men do this shit.

Besides, he doesn't even go out with mates on big nights out 😂

I now wish I’d never looked tbh..

The ‘jokes’ though we’re leading. The single guy made a joke about paying to lick a nipple and then the rest of them lucked out (the half naked woman in the taxi).. so it just makes me question what happened then- did more of them touch her? What was the point of having her in the taxi- obviously he was paying for whatever. But it’s just gross and absolutely not what I would’ve expected..a bit of going to a club etc but I didn’t realise quite how in your face it was there. Naïve.

In the OP, you said ‘all this’ has made you feel very insecure. I have read the thread and I genuinely couldn’t articulate what exactly it is you’re feeling insecure about. Can you?

That my husband was asking questions about the seedy massage places- where are they etc

That it is confirmed someone he was with was paying for sex acts and then pictures of the woman in a taxi with all of them

that my husband was described as ‘cuddling’ the woman in the bar

That a joke was made about everyone else getting lucky with the sex worker in the van who was sitting half naked

Maybe it is my naivety but I’m not sure anyone would feel totally secure with that?

His attitude towards women sucks. So yes

You're making excuses for him

Or just leave the spouse out of it and say no they're women not a commodity

I’m not? Where are the excuses for him?

Im finishing reasons as to why so many people can’t even recognise why I’d be annoyed. And I’m making a choice: do I blow this up or do I accept it as a one off on this trip?

We are happy at home and have a lovely life. I think, on balance, I have to see this as an eye opener. Of course I can watch the trajectory and if it changes more but I can’t give up my, otherwise, happy marriage because he went along with the boys on a trip where he wasn’t even drinking etc.

Of course I wish he hadn’t. But he did. So I have to reconcile it in some way if I am not willing to risk my marriage over it. And I’m not.

Based on your comments, you don’t actually think he went to a seedy massage place or cheated on you in any way, though. Your issue is that you are disappointed in the nature of the ‘banter’.

So, no, still not clear on what you’re currently insecure about.

Yes that’s true. It’s just I didn’t think he’s even entertain it the idea of them. I’m just disappointed.
But I can’t police that, so I’m just going to leave it.

Exactly, only you know your husband and all those saying they'd leave their husband are full of nonsense. Expensive stags night by the way. We were in Thailand years ago and went to a show, didn't realise it was a strip show, what an eye opener, lots of males and females at it, the area is known for it, was a bit seedy to be fair. Anyway, yes move on from it and put it out of your head

This.
Theres really only one reason a group of men would travel to Thailand.

It wouldn't bother me at all if my partner was doing any of those things.

What was he supposed to do, go to a bar on his own and get a taxi on his own? He's not responsible for what his friends do. Maybe the cuddling is a bit much, but it's in a public place surrounded by people so can't have been that bad.

I think anybody would feel insecure upon discovering an entirely different side to the man they're married to. You would never have imagined him participating in this type of conversation or sharing a taxi with a sex worker. Its the actions of a stranger, and now you're not sure what else he might be capable of that you'd never expected. Perfectly normally reaction.

If my husband snooped on my messages with my friends he would no doubt find things he didn’t like. Am I cheating or have ever cheated, no!

did you expect your DH to be like the trip policeman?

a stag do to Thailand is icky. But the poor guy, he was just joking along and you are still cross !

Do you want to be with a man who goes to Thailand for a stag do?

Agree, hes no different to so many men on a stags trip, only difference is she found out by looking on his phone. Years ago my husband went to Amsterdam for a stags, his friend cheated with a prostitute, he's no longer friends with him as they were in their 20s and all moved away, the wife used to tell me how good looking he was and would tell me how all the girls were after him but he only had eyes for her, I was so tempted to tell her but didn't know her that well, I was also in my 20s while she was a older with kids ,think about 30, anyway i was afraid, lost touch years later we saw him, new wife in his 20s, hes about 45 now, not sure what happened the first wife...anyway point is who knows what men do on stags, all those saying its disgusting and leave him, may well have been that wife of the cheater in Amsterdam and just didn't know, her husband didn't cheat, he went to a seedy area in Thailand and went out with the lads...not a crime

Come on now don't be naive there is only one reason why men would go to Thailand for a stag and it isn't for the food & culture as others have said !! I don't care who would think I was controlling if my husband said he was going there for a stag not a hope it would be happening