Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

The people who are saying that cats are no bother at all have clearly never had cats or have just been lucky.

Cats scratch the furniture, the carpets, they knock things off of tables/cabinets, they climb on work surfaces, if they’re allowed outside they bring home dead rats/mice/birds, or they get lost for days/weeks on end, they get run over.

I adore my cats but to say they’re no trouble at all simply isn’t true.

Plus it’s not fair on the existing cat to bring more into the household. Cats are solitary territorial animals. So at this point the only one who will benefit from the cats is the OP, and the DH aside, there is already an animal in this mix who is not being considered.

Even if the DH agrees it should still IMO be a no t more cats because of the existing resident one.

Op, I understand where you are coming from, but I also think that it’s unfair to bring animals into a home, when there is a person who doesn’t want them there.

My husband loves kittens and would love a pet, but I say no. He would look after it and pay for its food etc, but I don’t want an animal. So we don’t get one.

If he surprised me by being home an animal, then both he and the animal would need to find accommodation. Your husband can’t do that, so it must feel very stressful for him. And he’s probably still adjusting to his new life with such a severe disability and likely already feels overwhelmed and resentful. It’s unsurprising that he’d be miserable. He has limited control over even the smallest things anymore and he hasn’t even had his point of view on this respected.

I’d wait and work on other things to make life a bit more meaningful.

I agree with this. Cats are far easier than dogs, but they're still a pet that requires a lot of care. They're very independent and their independence is risky. We've been in the position of introducing a new cat (kitten) to our existing cats and it's hard work as they adapt to one another. Our two never really took to the kitten, although they did just about tolerate him. He was run over by a car when he was little more than a year old.

I would get kittens in your position (preferably younger and boys). We had two 20 year olds, one male and one female and the male sadly died. I was desperate for kittens and read that females will object much more to adult cats and other females, so I got two boy litter mates. 14 month olds are basically adults so, if you get the two you are thinking of, they will be more of an intrusion to your existing cat.

I can’t pretend that our remaining 20 year old loves the kittens (she really doesn’t and did growl and swat at them at first) and she definitely sees them as intruders rather than company. They tend to leave her alone as there are two of them to play with each other and things are generally fine now, though I’m not sure if that’s because she spends so much time asleep or outside the front of our house (as she did before we got the kittens). I absolutely love the kittens to bits and haven’t regretted getting them for one second.

Your DH is, through no fault of his own, not really a husband to you any more but you are sticking with the marriage ‘through sickness and in health’ and it is extremely difficult and miserable for you. Yes, you should get kittens if you want them as you have a proven track record with cats (you don’t sound like someone who would just dump them back in the shelter) and would love them and look after them properly.

It sounds like the cats are the straw that broke the camels back. You want to do something for yourself and sounds like you are really quite unhappy and lonely, sending love xxx

I think there are 3 separate issues:

1). All household members should agree to a new pet (children included) so in that sense you are being unreasonable:

BUT

2. It’s none of your mum’s business and it’s not acceptable for her to speak to you that way. I’d set some boundaries with her if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you

AND

3. Your husband has no right to “go apeshit” or verbally abuse you. You do not have to stay in this marriage if it’s making you (and/or the children) unhappy. I’d make clear that has to stop if he wants the marriage to continue. You are allowed to discuss with him your wish to get a new pet. The marriage has to work for both parties.

As a cat lover myself I understand where you're coming from. But....you will have more vet bills, more jabs and one of mine decides to wee where she wants including our bedroom!! She's also scratched the landing carpet and she's a lot of trouble even though she's adorable, and makes us laugh every day. She has to be monitored as she is also very greedy.

I know you have your heart set on the young cats. Do you think your DH may agree to another calmer older cat?

I hope you come to an agreement you just sound in need of more relaxation and comfort at a challenging time

I think getting these cats is like putting a plaster on your hand right now. You don’t need it. What you need is love and joy in your life and the cats might temporarily give you a hit but they will just be two more things to look after for you then in a few weeks.

I’m not telling you what to do but I would advise you to WAIT and not get theses cats right now. Not because your husband and mother said so but because YOU decided to wait.
Do something for you that looks after YOU.

You can get as many cats as you want at a later date, but now please let someone take care of you. You are being badly abused and your life is very hard.

Children IMO absolutely do not get a say as to whether you bring a pet into the house. The only people who get a say are the adults. Children grow up and move on, and the animals remain, so no, I disagree that children get a say.

I’m afraid after he went apeshit I would be leaving him. Get yourself the cats and somewhere else to live

It's none of your mums business.

However, I think adding something to the household like pets should be a joint decision, and if both people aren't on board, it shouldn't happen. That's not because one person's say is more important, but because you are bringing another living thing into a house thay needs care, attention and money.

I say this as someone who desperately wants another cat, but my partner doesn't, so we aren't getting one.it wouldn't be fair. It would only happen if he wanted it too.

From the surface, OP's husband sounds miserable and angry and to be taking it out on OP. Who does everything in the house, everything for their 2 young children, and works part time.

Her mother just judges her.

Oh and her husband refuses to help the financial situation by claiming the inheritance his brothers are refusing to give him like they're supposed to.

They only joy she has in her life were her cats who likely sat with her in the evenings when her husband is in his room alone.

OP, before getting the cats, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stay married to him. If he's miserable TO you and TO the children and TO everyone, angry and bitter, and dragging you all down with him, while refusing to help himself, then you have every right to admit you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this.

If the answer is no, perhaps he can move into the house he partially owns now with his brothers since they're refusing to pay him his share or move out and sell the house. Carers can go there. Or perhaps he can get support to move elsewhere. It doesn't have to be you.

I was going to say much the same. From both your DHs and your old cats point of view another single neutered male cat might be better.
You can definitely tell your mum to keep her opinions to herself, but for the sake of harmony in the home it might be necessary to compromise with your DH.

FWIW everytime my husband brings another one home I say NO, no more! But of course I end up loving them very shortly.

Wow, really? DH and his brothers are happy for you to fund your entire family, knowing that they have the means to contribute financially and make life easier for you? That’s horrendous. You sound like you’re surviving, rather than living.

I say get the cats if they make you happy, but if DH’s behaviour is only bad since he became quadriplegic, it sounds like he’s taking his own suffering out on you.

Doing something for yourself goes beyond getting a couple of cats.

You may feel guilty about feeling resentful of your situation, knowing that your DH isn’t at fault and can’t do anything about it, but you’re allowed to feel upset, angry, or even want better for your life. You sound very caring and nurturing and are thinking about everyone else.

If DH has finances that could be available to him, I would consider how you can make it clear to him that he needs to fight for it, to make your lives easier. If the situation were the other way round, would he really work, look after you and the kids and let his brothers have a comfortable, stress-free life, while he struggled through the days?

The fact that you're talking about getting a living thing as "doing something for yourself" is the crux of the issue for me. You're not thinking about what's best for the cats but for yourself. It won't be pleasant for them living in a home with an angry man who doesn't want them there, cats are sensitive and intuitive animals, not comfort blankets.

Look I've been a carer so I get how lonely and isolating it is, but overruling your husband and bringing animals into the home that he doesn't want is not a solution to that loneliness. Try and think of it from his perspective, which I recognise is so hard when he's been angry and cruel to you.

Wouldn't you be angry, bitter and humiliated if you'd literally lost all control of your body and had to entirely surrender your care to someone who was supposed to be your equal partner in life? You ask has anyone here been a carer, have you ever been paralysed and helpless and totally dependent on another human? Can you not imagine why a man who can't control his limbs might overreact to control of what lives in his house being taken from him despite his protests?

I think the background sounds really difficult for everyone involved. Obviously that was a really traumatic change to everyone in the family’s lives. What was your relationship like before the accident and how is it now? If you’re unhappy I hope you understand you really can end the relationship you’re not obliged to stay in a caring role. The majority of relationships fail in any event and I could easily imagine a large percentage of relationships end after this sort of event due to the massive change in circumstances etc. Your husband going “apeshit” at you and getting your mum involved in your decisions, who he presumably knows is volatile with you, is not okay. I think it’s a case of making a bigger decision than the cats: do you want to be in this relationship?

You don't have to stay in this relationship OP. It sounds like you want to leave but feel too guilty to. If your husband doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you make for him then leave. Yes it sucks that he's disabled. But that's not your fault and he doesn't get a free pass to be an unpleasant selfish arsehole because of it.

No matter who is right and who is wrong 3 cat's in one house is a lot. I love cat's but there is no way i would have 3, that's straying into weird cat lady territory. Yes your husbands wishes count after all he is the one stuck in the house with them 24/7, he doesn't get to choose his surroundings or control his life, maybe you could let him win on this one.
I think you need to find a couple of hours a week where you go and do something for yourself. There are many charities that will help with providing care for a morning or afternoon a week so you can have some respite. You are carrying a heavy load and you must make time for yourself. Have you looked into respite care for your husband so you can take the children on holiday ? You have to ask for help, you are only one person and can't do this all alone.

Do you actually want to stay with your husband..
You don't have to just because he's in a wheelchair
He doesn't sound like A very nice man.
He's not thinking of your needs in the slightest,when he has everyone running around thinking of his needs ,would it really hurt him ,to occasionally think of what his wife needs .

I wouldn't bring another cat into a home with an older cat as they often do not get along, especially introducing two young cats, they may picking your older cat.

But nobody should feel stuck in an abusive relationship because their abuser is disabled. Your husband is angry, but he has no right to take this out on you. If his personality is making you unhappy, leave him. Why give up so much of your life for someone that doesn't respect you?

i don't think this is a cat or not cat thing, I have been a carer and also worked in the NHS as a clinician. I think you have bigger issues than that. First I think that your mother needs to butt out. From what you say she has form for this and its definitely time to stop her. Secondly I get that your husband is having a difficult time. From what I have read (havent RTFT sorry) his disability is fairly new. Is he getting any support to come to terms with it? I think you are caught in the middle of this.....You are entitled to a life and choices and stuff for you but I think that when people say this so glibly to carers, they mean a day out or time to watch TV, or read a book, not getting a new pet. I am not going to say LTB but not everyone can be a carer, even for a partner they love. Honestly I don't think getting a cat or cats will help you now. Have you got someone who advocates for YOU? I know its hard to do now but a first starting point might be to go to your GP and just say that you are not coping. You are entitled to a carers' assessment to be sure that your needs are being met. At some point, I think you need to have a calm discussion with your husband about what you can and cannot do. yes he is feeling bereft and angry but that doesn't entitle him to take it out on you. Does he/can he leave the house? Does he have support to work through how he is feeling?

And that gives you the right to abuse someone else does it? Most abusers are that way due to previous experiences. So is all abuse justifiable and should be accepted?

What if the child is scared of the pet? Do they not get a say?

It must be incredibly difficult for you, caring for a man who is horrible to you. Are there any other options for you? If the kids had left home and you drop down dead what would happen to him?

Is that what I said? I don't think I did. Behaviour can be explained without being justified you know.