Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

I’m completely team cat on this, even though I’m a dog person irrelevant.

Get the cats and enjoy them @FloydWasACat . 😺😺

I think he's just angry that you're doing something that YOU want to do and in his frustration is trying to exert his dominance.

Or possibly that he’s had so much control taken away because of his own circumstances, he’s angry because his wishes are being ignored. I’d bet the farm this isn’t the first time either.

His say isn’t the final one because his needs and wants are not more important than my own, especially when it won’t negatively affect him

I don't understand this. If someone doesn't want a cat in the house and then is forced to tolerate a cat in the house then they are surely negatively affected?

What exactly did he say/do? Going apeshit is very vague. If he's being abusive then you need to deal with this and decide if you want to stay in the relationship, accepting this treatment of you, or do you want to separate?

Maybe you can work together to improve things if there's still love there. Please don't stay out of guilt. It's your life too.

Don't get more cats until you've tried to confront the deeper issues in your relationship. The fact that your Mum is abusive towards you is interesting. Are you always used to doing as you're told by your family? If so, you might benefit from counselling to help you be more assertive. No one should be treating you like this.

I actually got 2 cat sisters about the same age from cats protection. They are currently running around the house like wildebeest and have just been told off for using me as part of their assault course.

Do not underestimate how much they will change your household, especially if you are used to older cats and how much they will cost

A good rescue shouldn’t give animals to a household where not everyone wants them. I do understand it must seem unfair to you given the situation and I would also feel very resentful about it if I was you. But dh does ultimately have a right to say no to it as it is a big decision. It has nothing to do with your mother and you should tell her that. I’m not saying LTB but do you want to stay in the relationship?

@FloydWasACat OP can you really afford to take care of more cats, financially and mentally? Would your household struggle with even less money and a more frazzled mum/wife if you add extra responsibilities, such as more pets, to your household?

This is like people who just decide to have a baby and don't think of what it takes to look after the baby/child long term. You have to think about the general impact on you, your husband and kids other than 'we like cats and just want them'. Even if it will come out of your wages and you'll take care of them, at what cost will that be to other things/people you're all already paying for and taking care of? That's what I think you should consider and talk to your husband about.

Otherwise, if everything is sound, then you should get the cats.

Have you considered just getting 1 cat instead of a pair? I think one would be better company for the existing cat and less intimidating for DH.

Ignore your "d"m. She sounds like a nightmare and it's nothing to do with her.

How can your mother forbid you, a married woman, not living under her roof, from doing something; and why is she siding with your husband? There is already one cat in the house, and the husband has never said he doesn't want her. He is thinking that attention will be less on him, for sure. The children... what did they say?

I would go ahead and get a cat, so long as there won't be any practical problems. You're carrying a heavy burden and deserve to reward yourself.

What is the matter with you? Have you any idea what looking after a quadraplegic is like? It's hardly as if he's going to keep falling over it. Leave the poor woman to have some joy in her life. She is not the one that's horrible. It's been a long time since I've seen a post as spiteful and ignorant

Your mum should not be talking to you like that. However I hate cats and if my DH went and enquired about 2 cats with me already saying no I would be absolutely furious!! You sound really quite childish tbh OP, you share a home and children if DH said no then end of. It doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference whether you want to buy the cats or not.

No, she's not. Cats are solitary animals. Animal welfare professional here, with years of experience dealing with assessment of and adoption/return of cats.

I think two young cats was the mistake. One older cat would have been better.

I also think your DH’s reaction is down to him feeling disempowered since he became disabled. His present and future must seem very bleak to him, I can’t imagine he can plan anything nice for himself or his family.
In your shoes I’d return the cats to the charity, or say no if they’ve not arrived yet. I don’t think keeping them is going to go well. Sorry.

YADNBU

Why on gods earth shouldn’t you have something to give you joy in your life?

It will also benefit your lonely cat.

Your mother sounds like a nightmare and has no right to an opinion, still less to verbally abuse you.

I genuinely sympathise with your situation because I've been caring 24/7 for my bedbound DH for years now. You are very probably much younger than me given the ages of your kids and I can only imagine that you all feel you have been robbed of the life you should have had. I think though that you should take your DHs views on this into account, because 2 extra cats will impact on him and however sad and lonely and robbed you feel, he will have that with added powerlessness on top.

It's horrible all round and only you can know if there is any way to work on your marriage (it takes two), find better ways of communicating going forward and look at all possible ways of making the situation as tolerable as it can be for all of you. It is tough to balance marriage + care and I wish you all the best.

Cats are sentient animals and a huge responsibility living potentially 20 years, it's not a decision to be made quickly or without full support of the household. There is already a cat in the home, adding another 2 unrelated cats is more likely to go wrong than right. Healthy young cats can be reasonably cheap to care for, but as soon as there is an illness the insurance can be an issue. My cat has a long term health condition costing us £4000 every year. He's 15 and still potentially has years to live. It's not as simple as telling the op 'just get the cat you deserve it, you seem sad'. There is already another cat whose needs also matter, plus the potential for 2 more cats to need lifelong care in a house where one person is not on board with them being there.

Honestly I do despair sometimes. We take in so many cats as a result of situations like this going wrong and it's just so preventable by people thinking about the animal rather than 'i want one'

It likely won't benefit the existing cat. They will be unrelated, new cats will be bonded.

Speaking as someone who has been in a very similar position ( except my DM was lovely). I just cracked it one day and took my 3 ( then very young ) kids in the car to the local dog rescue centre and adopted two little terriers. One was a terror and they took him back,( he bit which was something they failed to mention) the other was a delight and lived happily for 15years . And to all the people saying it's equal decision making, sure, normally it is, but after something like this it just isn't. OP has to do whats best for the whole family AND herself.
Also cats are no bother, they might end up sleeping on your DH's bed.
Best wishes , it's a terrible situation , and the carers ( don't say a word in front of them that you don't want the entire extended family to know . just a bit of advice). x

Cats do cost money, food, insurance flea and worm plus they damage carpets by scratching. My cat has ruined two of my carpets and marked them I would never get another cat to be honest. If you are a cat lover that's fine but you do need to think of the expense. Does anyone really need three cats? If you have an indoor litter tray x 3 that would also make your house smell perhaps these are also his considerations. You shouldn't have gone behind his back on this without proper discussions I would be really cross if my partner brought two cats home that I've said I don't want.

My Mum forbids me to do stuff all the time. I'm fifty and live in a different country. Sometimes I point this out to her, but most of the time I just ignore her. Ignore her, OP.

I think with your husband, you need to find out more about why he is so against the idea. Is there a specific and reasonable reason, or is he just angry with life? Does he realise what getting more cats would mean for you? If you can, I would try to have a good conversation about this and discuss how you both feel about this.

He's trapped inside his body and perhaps more cats are a reminder of his loss of movement and inability to give or receive affection.

You're trapped inside your home and will cherish the affection of the cats and the enjoyment of the companionship for you and your children.

You are both in a very difficult place and personally given the extent of his physical limitations think he would be better off in a care home where you and the children can visit and spend time with him rather than having to be on eggshells at home.

It is possible but quite a gamble.

Well it’s a fairly cruel to use the fact he can’t fall over it as a reason to justify getting more cats. As he also presumably won’t be able to stop the things clambering over him, fighting near him and generally being a nuisance. I don’t know if you’ve ever cared for someone who has lost their independence for health / medical, but in my experience it’s a really tough thing to come to terms with. Having no control over your immediate environment is demeaning and degrading.

You're a 48yo married woman and mother of two children. Your mother cannot forbid you to do anything! I'm astounded at how she spoke to you and would have told her it's absolutely none of her business. Is she always that controlling/ abusive?

However, with pets I think it's really important that other members of the family are on board with the decision. What is it that your dh objects to?