Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

You suggested trying to think of it from his perspective. Which I'm sure OP does. But it doesn't stop the abuse, or make it OK.

If you really feel sure you want the extra work and potential hassle, I think it would be lovely for you and would mean a lot to the kids. of course you should be able to do something for yourself. Don't feel guilty.

@FloydWasACat of course you need to look after your own needs.
In this situation I see your mother’s opinion as irrelevant. She is not part of your household and it doesn’t sound like she supports you on any way. Please try and put her unhelpful comment behind you.
Apart from cost did your DH have any other rationale for why you shouldn’t adopt another cat? Have you discussed this with your carer’s group? They may have insight knowing how much work is involved caring for someone who is quadriplegic.
In the longer term do you/he have access to any counselling via your specialist centre or the SIA?

I'd be asking ghe pair of them if he wants to move in with his mother. I wouldn't be spoken to like that. Does he see you as some kind of servant.
His life might not be want he wants but neither is yours. Maybe compromise and get one extra cat.

Your life sounds very difficult, so does your husbands.
Its not clear what going "ape shit" meant and whether he was abusive or just angry. He should not, however be telling tales to your mother and she shouldn't be trying to "forbid" you from anything.
That said I think getting two young cats is a bad idea. It is more likely to make your existing cat's life unpleasant than to cheer her up.
It's also extra work for you settling them in and extra cleaning etc. and as your husband is probably feeling powerless, ignoring his view doesn't sound very sensitive.
The whole issue with his brothers and the money needs sorting. They are being totally inconsiderate of you.
Does your Mum help you at all? She can't tell you what to do but if she gives you support as well as trying to boss you about I think it changes things slightly.

Honestly, I would not sacrifice my whole life for someone else. We all only get one chance at life. I would live with the guilt and shame of leaving my husband in order to make the most of my own life. I can't imagine what he's going through, but equally, I can't imagine what you're having to cope with. If he doesn't care about you enough to even let you have a bit of companionship in the evenings then it's not much of a marriage anyway. I do know how angry he must be at his situation. My husband's dad had muscular dystrophy and dh's mom was a carer for many years. She had numerous affairs to cope and I don't judge her for that. My father in law was very angry and difficult. Life is sometimes very very tough and I wouldn't judge anyone til I'd walked in their shoes.

No. IME most fears of animals are resolved by children being exposed to those animals.

Even if it’s a crippling phobia treatment suggestion is usually exposure to the product of said phobia, but I wouldn’t enable my child to become that phobic in the first place. With the exception of children who have e.g. been attacked by an animal, most fear of animals is fed by the parents.

So are you saying that the op should just suck it up and let him treat her like shit just because he is now disabled?

Pets are not remotely like babies, as long as the other partner is not unkind to the pet. A baby deserves the love and care of both parents in the home.

Animals are expensive and if money is tight already it is being a bit selfish. Personally I would hate having animals climbing over the furniture, it must be especially frustrating for your husband as he can’t get them to move.

Personally I think you are being entitled, you are one of 4 in your household.

As for the inheritance your H is being unreasonable and this needs to be addressed.

Exactly this. Poor man.

Your husband and mum sound awful! You get your cats and ditch him!

I think you’re both reaching here. OP never said this was his objection. It was the cost. They already have a cat!

Your situation has no bearing on the OP's

And as he loves their surviving cat your opinion is not in the slightest bit relevant

I actually think you should get them

i think it’s worth the risk but would maybe start with 1 extra cat. My dad got sick a few years ago with a terminal condition. I bought my mum and dad a dog, didn’t tell them, literally turned up at the door with a puppy. It was a huge risk (but I had a back up plan to keep the dog if it didn’t work). It turned out to be the best decision ever, the dog brought so much joy into their life and massively helped my mum stay positive. It might not work out for you but I think it’s worth the risk. It’s your life too.

Get the cats! I thought you were going to say you’d got 10 already or something

yes it’s a difficult time for your husband but that’s not an excuse to be horrible

Having lived with someone who was at times very frustrated by his conditions I know only too well that what he said wasn’t always what he meant, and I expect this is true here s well. They have a 14 year old placid cat, and the OP intends imposing an additional 2 young cats on the household when he has absolutely not control over his environment.

If we are going to talk about over reaching, most of this thread has interpreted ‘apeshit”, whatever that means, to be abusive. Again, I know people, my husband included, who would be driven to tears of frustration at times because of some of the limitations he faced, and that frustration would sometimes manifest itself in all sorts of ways. But it was never ‘aimed’ at me, even if I was in the vicinity. I got that.

But it’s clear that the whole cat thing is a diversion. There are far deeper issues to resolve. The OP is frustrated about being bounced into being a carer, with all the stress that brings. I know. I’ve been there. She didn’t ask for that life. Her husband is frustrated at the situation he finds himself in, and his complete lack of control over his life. He didn’t ask for that either The OP thinks cats will help her. But clearly not her husband. They both, separately and together, need counselling and far more support. The cats are a just a way of kicking the can down the road and avoiding the real issues.

Compromise on one more cat rather than 2 (half as much food and insurance costs)

Just noting that my two girls who we got at 7 months as a bonded pair have been together since they were 4 weeks old. Mostly they adore each other but once in a while go a bit crazy and play fight robustly. Occasionally I have to split them up fkr half an hour. The op's dh can't do that.

They hate pets on MN OP.

FWIW I feel sorry for you. Yes, getting pets is a joint decision but let’s be honest OP’s life is hardly full of joy. She works her arse off and plays skivvy to her family with no help. If these kitties can give her a bit of much needed love, why shouldn’t she have them.

People say that pets have to be a joint decision otherwise it's a no. But how is that fair either? If you already have a cat, then getting another isn't a big issue. You had two before. Getting 2 more would be more of an issue though. He wants no more cats, you want 2 more cats. The obvious compromise is to get just 1 cat. It's not fair that he loses his shit. Your mother is way out of order.
I'm not surprised that he is bad tempered. I'm not surprised that you are fed up and lonely. Do you get any respite? Could you go out one or two evenings a week to make friends and do things for yourself?

I would do it anyway....for me! You need joy in your life aswell.

Your mum can shut up....no say at all unless she has something constructive to say....NOT a rant.
Your OH retires to bed at 9 so doesn't interact.

If your children agree they would like them and are willing to take some responsibility then just do it.

Disabled people can be selfish too when your attention is diverted from their needs.

Yes, because I was trying to explain his behaviour to her, as she seems perplexed as to why he overreacted so much.

Once again you are conflating explanation with justification. They're not the same thing.

Your OH retires to bed at 9

He is put to bed at 9 as that is when the carers come. He doesn't have a choice.

Is he just left alone in his room until they come to get him up in the morning? Does he have access to technology that enables him to make calls, read, use the internet, watch tv or listen to music?