Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

[FloydWasACat]

OK, so background is: DH became quadroplegic just under four years ago. I work p/t as we also have 2 children and even though he has carers in I still to do a lot.

Around 8 months ago we had to put our 16 year old cat to sleep. We have another one who is gentle and loving who is 9 and I have noticed that she just seems lonely now.

I told DH that I was thinking of getting another cat from a rescue centre, he went apeshit at me. I would be paying and doing everything and frankly, there is no joy in my life nowadays and both DC would be happy too.

I may have overstepped but Cat Protection League advertised about two 14 month old girls. I put myself forward for them. I genuinely will be the one paying and doing everything. I KNOW our cat will be fine with them otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it.

When I was at work yesterday my DH told my Mum what I was thinking of doing. I got the most abusive phone call from her telling I was 'fucking stupid and an idiot' and 'I forbid you to have them' etc. I am 48 yrs old and after what has happened to DH I just think what the hell, you only get one life and it's giving a loving home to animals in need if care.

AIBU??

Sorry, that was very long. Just feel a bit lonely right now. Thanks if you got through all of that

Not to mention that the OP already has a cat in her home, and previously had two.

Wow.
Just wow.
The issues of living with a severely disabled person are nuanced and intricate, both physically and emotionally.
And YOU are discomforted by a factual statement ? !

I think for your mum and DH to both have such an extreme reaction that there must be more to this story. It would be interesting to hear their side of this story.

have had counselling and go to carers meet-ups and they always say 'do something for yourself, if it's not hurting anyone, you need to be happy too

You are hurting someone though as your DH has expressed how much he does not want another cat. For you then to go out and get not one cat, but another 2 cats, is a massive fuck you. He has just told you he is worried you can't afford one more cat so you get two? Seriously? So yes YABVU. You also have no idea how your existing cat will take to 2 new kittens. None at all.

It sounds like he's struggling with losing control of his life since becoming quadriplegic and this is one way of reasserting control. He's also probably fearful of the future, given he presumably can't work, which is why getting another mouth to feed (albeit a tiny one) seems terrifying.

I am not disabled, and don’t have cats. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like being a quadriplegic or indeed looking after someone who is. But I can imagine that if one had limited or no mobility and are incapable of moving independently that the thought of two cats that could climb on or all over you could be pretty distressing.

Tell him you won't get a cat if he sorts out his inheritance! As a family, you will need that money, given how little support there is for people with disabilities. And even if^^ your Dh doesn't need it, he has children who would benefit and they should be his priority.

If he will do nothing to ease the burden on you, then I say please yourself and get the cats.

And tell your toxic mother to mind her own business. I'm sorry, but someone forbidding me to do something, would result in me doing the exact thing they forbade!

From your perspective, you have an awful lot on your plate, life must be very hard and you are entitled to you stuff and you time.

From your DH's perspective, two new cats are an unknown quantity. He can't break up a fight. He can't deal with a very stinky poo in the litter tray. He can't remove a bird in distress being killed. He can't lift them off himself if they jump on.

My two cost me about £200pcm.

On balance, I'm not sure getting two 14 month old cats is a good idea. However, your mother's response is reprehensible.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear cat and the life you had.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I understand your need for a cat as they are like therapy for you . They are good for your mental health bring you happiness. I have also been a carer and get it . You have to look after yourself first to be able to care for others .No objections from me.

Get the cats, you're absolutely right your cat is lonely and needs a companion. 1 or 3 is similar amount of work

But isn’t this the point. OP is taking advantage of her DH’s disability to impose on him something he has expressly said he doesn’t want, because ultimately he can’t move so there’s nothing he can do about it.

Can you imagine a poster here was writing as a quadriplegic that her DH was imposing 2 cats on her she didn’t want? There would be universal condemnation, and rightly so.

It doesn’t matter what his personality is like he has equal rights in this situation, and taking them away is inhumane.

Really? You must have led a very sheltered life if you’ve never heard of men who are mentally abusive?

Why aren't you allowed cats though I don't get it ?

I love cats and had two for years until they were very old. However, I'd never have any more because there are many drawbacks amongst the benefits.
Ruined furniture, dead mice, mangled birds, just general hasslement when they seek attention and you're busy. Sitting on you when you don't want them to. The list is endless. And I LOVE cats. Even if someone else was entirely responsible for their care, I would never want another and would be thoroughly pissed off
if a family member brought one (or two) home.

He does have a say, but his isn’t the final say. Why does his “no” trump ops “yes” if she is going to be the one looking after them and paying for them?

Because he will have to live with them, and he doesn't want to? He has little enough choice as it is.

I can't imagine how difficult, relentless and lonely your life is.

Equally, your DH's life must be filled with regret, longing, envy and resentment. He can't do anything for himself. He is surrounded by people doing his personal care. He can't take the kids to football, he can't financially support his family. He can't have a physically loving relationship with his wife. I'm not surprised he's angry.

You took more power and choice from him. I understand why, but I also understand his extreme hurt.

Can you access couples counselling to find a new equilibrium in your relationship?

Wow. Does she get no say? Her life has been turned upside down. Practically speaking she has become a solo parent and a carer, and presumably much of the physical comfort of a partner, and lots of the spontaneous joy of life. Why can’t she put her needs forwards given how little affect it would have on her husband and mother?

I don’t get where you’re coming from with this. But it’s dangerously close to suggesting DH is to be treated like a child because he’s disabled. He’s not a child and nor should he have to accept being treated like one. He’s essentially the same person he was before he came quadriplegic, only now he’s angry and sad at his situation. He had control of his life and his body, and now he likely feels most of it has been taken away.

i feel for OP because she’s in a difficult situation - caring can be very lonely. But the fixation on getting more cats is a symptom of that and she would be better seeking some talking therapy for herself and her family so that everyone can come to terms with what’s happened. It sounds as though DH is really struggling with it and feeling like he has little control over his life any more.what So OP ignoring his objections and going ahead with something he doesn’t want isn’t going to make him feel any better. It doesn’t matter how responsible he would be - either physically or financially, for another cat. The fact is, he doesn’t want one and OP isn’t listening. What else isn’t she listening about ?

TBH bringing in a bonded pair is never going to be a good idea and it’s highly likely your quiet and gentle cat is going to end up being pushed out.
Introducing new cats into an already established cat’s home rarely goes well.
@NotOneOfTheInCrowd I was thinking this too.

This must be so hard to live like this, I’m sorry 💐 I don’t know what makes your mother think she has the right to speak to you like that and tell you what to do. I think if you want the cats you should have them and you deserve them. Did DH give a reason he wants your lonely cat to stay a single cat?
are you happy in life? I suggest to find a counsellor/therapist and work on what would make you happy, life is too short to live unhappily each day.

Different husband situation here but same cat situation. We ended up getting our remaining cat two pets of his own after the other original cat died! He was just so sad by himself. Three is a lot of cat tho that I didn’t expect (despite my mum also telling me not to do it).

sadly the situation only lasted 18 months when one of the younger cats had a bad accident outside and didn’t survive. I feel in part to blame because with 3 cats I just didn’t have enough lap or enough time to play with the younger ones as much as perhaps they needed. (Did obviously play and cuddle them but as they were very young they maybe needed more).

whilst i 100% agree with your sentiment that you should be able do something for you it is also a lot to take on and shouldn’t be done on a whim. And everyone in the house needs to be on board. Perhaps your husband is worried how he’ll be able to navigate the house with 2 younger cats underfoot/wheel

good luck whatever you decide.

@FloydWasACat Your life sounds tough. You sound quite isolated. Do you have any support from other family members or good friends? I’d also share this example in the carer’s group, if it feels like a safe space, for their thoughts.

First, if your mother is often abusive, rather than kind and supportive, I’d keep distance from her. If she has concerns about the impact further pets may have on you (money you can’t afford and extra work) or your DH (less money available to the household, physical impact on him of extra pets), she should have had a gentle, humble and kind word with you, showing you she has you and your family’s happiness at heart.

Second, your DH’s behaviour sounds unacceptable. ‘Going apeshit’ (you don’t mention what that consisted of) when you try to discuss getting pets isn’t a mature or respectful response. Telling your mother, presumably aware of how she’d react, is manipulative and undermining.

IMHO, you need to set clear boundaries with both your DH and DM. For your DH, that involves being able to talk to him about your needs and wants and have them considered and, where possible, accommodated with empathy and kindness. And likewise he should be able to do the same with you. There should be a reasoned, mature discussion, with you both looking for compromise, e.g, one more cat rather than two, which is what you had before, so not a big new change.

However, IMHO it was passive aggressive, disrespectful and manipulative to go ahead and apply for two cats when you knew your DH didn’t want that. If your reasonable request for things that give you joy in life (and unlikely to cause problems for your DH) is denied, you should assert yourself and tell him you’ve decided to go ahead and you’ll mitigate the impact on him. Not go behind his back.

But, overall, you need to review how your family dynamics are currently working. Can you access counselling? You need to consider how you can carve out a fulfilling life for yourself in addition to your responsibilities as a carer and earner. Your needs matter. A new cat seems a very reasonable ask. You’re not asking to go on holiday four times a year for a break.

Look after yourself and set boundaries for others. Sending strength ❤️

What difference does it make to OPs husband's day if she has another cat?

It could make a lot of difference. It/they are around the house all day doing what cats do. The don't just sit under the coffee table like an ornament.

Your dh and your m both sound nasty and abusive.

I can understand why your h is angry - it must be so frustrating but your life sounds utterly miserable too.

I'd get the cats quite honestly. I got cats that dh didn't particularly want but like you I knew I'd be the one doing everything for them - he loves them now.

If we only ever did things our partners agreed to in life and didn't have any autonomy over our own decisions life would be pretty sad. Being in a couple doesn't mean you never get to make decisions on your own - especially ones such as getting another cat which really isn't a big deal.

I think he's just angry that you're doing something that YOU want to do and in his frustration is trying to exert his dominance.

And as for your mum, she sounds like a nasty bitch, your getting a cat has fuck all to do with her, tell her to piss off and stop allowing yourself to be bullied.

FYI I was worried about introducing cats to our very grumpy older boy cat. We took it slow and it was fine within a month of so … in answer to @Datafan55 and @NotOneOfTheInCrowd

You need to talk to him and say that this isn’t a want, but an actual need to help you cope mentally with all that is on your plate. A support animal!

You wouldn't discuss this with your spouse and would ignore their wishes if they didn't want it?