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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this weird or am I being selfish?

145 replies

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 10:40

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 30/01/2025 10:41

Icky.

ThejoyofNC · 30/01/2025 10:43

I'd be extremely pissed off at both of them if an ex and a sister of mine got together. Really weird IMO.

MagpiePi · 30/01/2025 10:44

YABU. You don't own either of them and can't dictate who they see or find attractive.

But it would still feel a bit weird

Tiredofallthis101 · 30/01/2025 10:44

I don't think there's anything to stop them doing it and if they had for some reason fallen madly in love I could forgive it, but definitely think it's weird and one should avoid dating close friends/family's exes. Especially long term exes.

Agix · 30/01/2025 10:44

I'd be pissed off at sister. Not him, he holds no loyalty to me anymore. Unless sister and I were estranged though, I would hope she did.

pimplebum · 30/01/2025 10:46

Not great but you can’t stand in the way of true love
awkward if they break up
awkward wedding

Alalalala · 30/01/2025 10:46

Very weird. Not ok.

Createausername1970 · 30/01/2025 10:50

Hmmm. I am not sure.

On the face of it I wouldn't like it, but it's been 10 years since you had any romantic involvement, and your time together was on and off, so not really a serious commitment.

I think, on balance, I would be miffed but I wouldn't jeopardise my relationship with either of them.

irregularegular · 30/01/2025 10:52

I would find it weird. But I think you are being unreasonable to object after all this time. If you like him and your brothers like him and think he would be a good match for your sister then it could be really nice??

Offcom · 30/01/2025 10:54

From a distance, it would sort of make sense that as there is something that drew him to you, your sister might have a similar quality he values?

But you’re not at a distance and would have feelings about either of them dating someone new, so who can blame you for not instantly being cool with the whole idea.

I suppose the upside is if your sister’s brought home some duds over the years you could at least get a brother-in-law you like.

festivemouse · 30/01/2025 10:59

I think if they weren't close / didn't really know each other during your on & off phase, it's a bit different and I can see that side of it more. However if they were friendly and knew each other fairly well for the time you were dating, I'd find it a bit more icky.

Saying that it's been over 10 years - not a couple of months, that doesn't seem so bad to me! Also you call it an on & off relationship, if it was someone you were engaged / married to that would also be a bit different.

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:05

Agix · 30/01/2025 10:44

I'd be pissed off at sister. Not him, he holds no loyalty to me anymore. Unless sister and I were estranged though, I would hope she did.

No, not estranged, and quite close. She was there through all the good times and bad when I was with him. Dried my tears when he and I broke up in our early 20’s, was pleased for me when we got back together and decided to give our relationship another try etc.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 30/01/2025 11:05

You obviously still hold a torch for him, and consider him the one that got away?

It sounds like you slightly envious of your sister, because she’s now dating him, and not you, or at least of their blossoming friendship.

it maybe totally innocent - he’s supporting her over something, or vice versa. Circumstances may have just thrown them in the same place do they just catching up.

Maybe she’s always fancied him as well, but has held back.

it’s also been ten years since you were last involved. That’s a decent window for them to start dating, if that’s the case. It’s not like they’ve jumped into bed together straight after you have split.

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:10

Createausername1970 · 30/01/2025 10:50

Hmmm. I am not sure.

On the face of it I wouldn't like it, but it's been 10 years since you had any romantic involvement, and your time together was on and off, so not really a serious commitment.

I think, on balance, I would be miffed but I wouldn't jeopardise my relationship with either of them.

Sorry, I was trying to keep it vague so as not to be too outing, but I should have added that when we got back together for the last time from ages 29 to nearly 31 we were engaged. Also our periods of being together lasted between 4-5 years with separations of between 12-18 months in between, so quite a serious commitment.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 30/01/2025 11:11

You are equally valid in feeling however you feel in it, as they are valid to explore their connection. It’s not ideal and I’d hope they’d be sensitive to you regarding it. I know I wouldn’t like it.

dairydebris · 30/01/2025 11:12

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:05

No, not estranged, and quite close. She was there through all the good times and bad when I was with him. Dried my tears when he and I broke up in our early 20’s, was pleased for me when we got back together and decided to give our relationship another try etc.

Show quote history

Definitely icky.

MissDoubleU · 30/01/2025 11:13

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:10

Sorry, I was trying to keep it vague so as not to be too outing, but I should have added that when we got back together for the last time from ages 29 to nearly 31 we were engaged. Also our periods of being together lasted between 4-5 years with separations of between 12-18 months in between, so quite a serious commitment.

Show quote history

If it is true I would be taking a large step back from the sister. I dunno, there are lines you absolutely do not cross and this is one. I wouldn’t kick off but I would remove myself. I wouldn’t want to see them together

BlieDarlin · 30/01/2025 11:14

You can't help who you fall for
But I know I couldn't find any of my sisters exs attractive and would want to be with them
Icky, but if it happened to me, I guess after 10years, does it matter who they date?

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 11:15

Snowmanscarf · 30/01/2025 11:05

You obviously still hold a torch for him, and consider him the one that got away?

It sounds like you slightly envious of your sister, because she’s now dating him, and not you, or at least of their blossoming friendship.

it maybe totally innocent - he’s supporting her over something, or vice versa. Circumstances may have just thrown them in the same place do they just catching up.

Maybe she’s always fancied him as well, but has held back.

it’s also been ten years since you were last involved. That’s a decent window for them to start dating, if that’s the case. It’s not like they’ve jumped into bed together straight after you have split.

Definitely no torch holding going on. I’m happily married and would be happy for him (and my sister) to find love and settle down. It’s just the fact it is (potentially) with my sister which makes it feel a bit weird and which is why I asked the question as to whether this is a me problem or if others would feel the same.

OP posts:
kellygoeswest · 30/01/2025 11:16

imo this definitely isn't okay, especially with the added information about you having been engaged to him. It's all just too close.

Rickrolypoly · 30/01/2025 11:18

I think it's ok to feel "weird" about it. You were a couple after all.

However, you've moved on and are happily married, you have no romantic feelings for this man and no ties keeping you together. Nobody has cheated here or betrayed anyone else.

You are all just adults trying to be happy and have a good life..

Be happy for your sister.

** Also to add; it's been 10 years...it's not like she moved in right after you broke up.

yeesh · 30/01/2025 11:18

🤮

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:20

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 10:40

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

It's been ten years. The only reason to be upset is that you still have romantic feelings for him.

TravellingTartan · 30/01/2025 11:20

Your sister dating your ex-fiancé.

Yeah that's weird!

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:20

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:20

It's been ten years. The only reason to be upset is that you still have romantic feelings for him.

Show quote history

Ten. Years.

Move on.