Would you find this weird or am I being selfish?

[Onebabygirl]

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

righto

Obviously super jealous, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for clarifying my feelings for me 🙄

I also feel like it’s an unwritten rule and not in compliance with girl / sister code

Do you live in a very community where her options are slim pickings and they invariably bump into each other a lot

Gross to me though I am a little biased here as an ex of mine had an affair with one of my sisters (ex and I were very much together at the time).

I get it shouldn't matter as you're not together and they're free to date but it's crossing a line imo. It's the unwritten code. I mean he could be sat there comparing you. Ewwwwwww.

To all those who have asked, I did once ask my sister indirectly if something was going on between them and she answered vaguely that would it matter as we were no longer together and they were both single. Which is true, and I suppose led to my question today.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, and from the pretty equal divide in opinions I now feel that it’s ok for me to find it weird, but equally they wouldn’t be doing anything wrong so I should just let them get on with it.

Personally I could never be attracted to my sister’s boyfriends even if they were gorgeous. It’s an automatic instinct to me. But that could be because we have very different tastes.

I wouldnt say it was ‘ick’ and I wouldn’t be upset (If I was over them). I’d probably be more annoyed that they were being re-introduced into my life again as I prefer my ex’s to stay in the past, out of sight out of mind. Having to see some ex again at family gatherings etc would irritate the hell out of me.

Thanks for clearing that up. Its funny how people read things that arent there 😁

Rubbish.
OP I get it, I think it's to do with the intimacy you would have had with this man, not just the sex.
The sharing of dreams, lives, living day-2-day etc.
I do think what you are feeling is normal, it's not jealously or envy its deeper and more intimate.

Nope, not rubbish. She's just jealous, it's actually super simple. It's been more than ten years, she's married with kids and she enjoyed the notion of having a man still carry a torch for her and her him. He was her lost love and a romanticised part of her life.

Now she will be usurped forever in his affections and she doesn't like it.

She doesn't feel weird, because weird isn't a feeling. Jealousy is though, and the simplest answer is the right one.

She's jealous, a normal human emotion, and one she will have to get over. The first step to that is just admitting it to herself.

I’ve had something like this happen in my family, not my ex. The problem with it is that the relationships are weirdly skewed. One sibling knowing the other’s dh much longer than the sibling married to them. Other siblings feeling excluded. It’s weird and dysfunctional and creates strange jealousies that wouldn’t otherwise exist if they’d just picked a dp who wasn’t an ex of a sibling.

It's weird and you are not being selfish. Doesn't matter that it was 10 years ago. It's wrong That's your sister. Why would anyone want to date their siblings ex partner!! I would be super pissed of my sister done that to me. I don't know anyone who would think that it was ok. Makes everything very awkward for everyone.

Id expect to be asked my feelings by my sister before it started or very quickly afterwards. I would give my blessing if they really cared about each other even though it would hurt. But I’d expect at least my sister to care what I thought enough to handle it sensitively. I’d be very, very upset to discover it myself.

No, I would not be happy with my sister. I just feel like there’s an unspoken rule you don’t go for your sisters ex. I wouldn’t touch my sisters ex with a ten foot barge pole. Even if I found them attractive, I just wouldn’t dare go near. YANBU at all.

Id be creeped out by that myself tbh

Yep, there's not much you could say to that I guess.

Anyway, final comment - you're jealous. You don't feel weird, you feel jealous. Whether you accept that and deal with it is absolutely up to you, of course. Good luck and ciao.

10 years on it wouldn’t bother me.
i want the people i care about to be happy, if that means being together then good for them.

It’s in poor taste, but it has been a decade. Personally, I would not want to have a partner my sister had been with. That’s just a big ol no for me.

The fact that your sister is so vague about it highly suggests there is something between them. I would be completely creeped out by this so it's not you. I would never date a friend or relative's ex. I feel your sister should at least have spoken to you about this first - not that it would make it acceptable, but for her to leave you to suss it out for yourself is unacceptable to me.

I think it’s gross. I would never want a man who had been sleeping with my sister! Something very wrong about that. If I was your sister I would never be able to get that out of my head, and I would worry about the fact that you were on again and off again I would worry that one day you could redevelop feelings and have an affair.

I would feel weird about it too, not necessarily jealous but just awkward. It’s bad enough when you bump into an ex but to have to see them all the time if they stay together at family events etc would be extremely awkward.

Depends - were you intimate with him? if yes, it’s gonna a be a big fat elephant in the room - forever.