Would you find this weird or am I being selfish?

[Onebabygirl]

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

Unreasonable as you have no claim over him but still ... ick! I wouldn't be able to help feeling that. And being irrationally annoyed because of all the blokes in the world, why that one?

Sorry, have updated to say that we were engaged for nearly 2 years before we separated for good. We realised we were both trying to hold on to something that was no longer there, familiarity perhaps. We loved each other but weren’t in love and we recognised that we’d grown apart and it wasn’t working. No hard feelings from either side when we decided to call it a day.

Also my sister and I still lived at home when we first started dating, we all went to school together so knew each other for years before we started dating, we all did a lot of growing up together so they were definitely friendly and knew each other well when we were together. Just feels horrible to now wonder whether they secretly fancied each other for all of those years. 😬

Have you been overstepping with him in all these years you've continued to message him? Worried you are about to be found out? Worried that he will talk about something that will embarrass you?

Do you still fancy him?

If the answer to all of that is no then you are being weirdly selfish and I have no idea why you'd feel weird about it.

It's been ten years.

Anyway, it doesn't much matter how you feel since they'll do whatever they want.

The only choice you have is whether you choose to be upset and cause issues, or let them find happiness as you claim to have found it.

I wouldn't llike it, and I can't really explain why but I guess neither of them are doing anything wrong per se.

I think it's because out of all the people out there, she's dating the person that you were previously engaged to. I'd feel weird about it but I'd do my best to be happy for my sister.

I never said I was upset, and I have moved on.

So there's no point at all to the thread then?

I don't find it at all weird. It wouldn't bother me. Exes are exes for a reason. The only time I was forced to see one of mine was because he married my best friend. I would find it weird keeping in such close touch, and adults using the word "icky",it's childish, and the fact that people are feeling nauseous over this is extreme.

I voted you are not being unreasonable. It's not fair on you. And if they got married and you and to spend more time with him and all those memories... it's a no for me.

Thank you. This is exactly where I am at the moment. I don’t like it but can’t really explain why as they’re doing nothing wrong. Friends IRL definitely think it’s odd but I know they’re probably biased, which is why I thought I’d ask for a wider range of options.

No point at all to your comments either. My AIBU is would you find it weird. Not AIBU to be upset 🙄

That would be so hard it would make me squirm, but what they do isn’t up to you is it?

There is a reason you feel weird about it, otherwise you wouldn't feel weird about it.

Either you still fancy him, feel you have a claim on him, are worried that you are about to be caught for having overstepped the mark, are worried they will discuss something about you that will embarrass you or something else.

You don't feel "weird" about someone you moved on from ten years ago if you really moved on from them and there is nothing else under the surface. You know this if you are being honest with yourself.

🤣 I used “icky” as it’s such a MN word, usually used to described something that makes you feel uncomfortable for no logical reason.

I din't give you the answer you want, but I did precisely what you asked people to do and gave you my opinion.

Which is precisely the point of posting a question, getting opinions whether you like them ornot.

It's really unlikely that they fancied each other for years.
People change.
You fancied him for years but no longer do.
Many people have the experience of being completely platonic friends with someone for years, and after many years it develops into something more which wasn't there before.

And if you get on with your sister, she probably didn't think of him at all in those ways at any point when you were together.

While I can understand it feeling a bit weird to you, after 10 years apart, and what sounds like a reasonably amicable ending and non abusive relationship, I don't feel either of them are doing anything wrong, and while I can understand you re-evaluating your past, I think you're over-thinking.
It's just because they are close to you - I doubt you'd have these thoughts if he had just started dating someone else within the general wider friend group - essentially that's all it is, from their perspectives, just that from yours, you're related to her.

No it’s horrible, and a head fuck to be honest. A guy a dated at university met my sister after we broke up (but being young and silly still messed around occasionally). He made it clear he would make a pass if he thought she was interested, it made me feel so small. As siblings you get compared your whole life, growing up means having some things/experiences wholly to yourself. Sharing an ex partner who has known you in the most intimate way with a family member you have to face constantly? It’s a huge disrespect from both parties in my opinion.

It's been ten years and they never flirted or did a single thing they should not have done when OP was with him.

It's not remotely disrespectful.

We don’t own people and they are both single. As long as there really are no romantic feelings on your side I think it’s fine, just something you need to get used to. Easy for me to say though I suppose.

I was thinking that, she doesn't own her exes, none of us do. And ten years is a long time.

I think it's easy for anyone to say after ten years tbh, unless there's something under the surface she doesn't want to examine.

It’s weird. I wouldn’t like it.

Of course it's weird. He's slept with (maybe slept with) two sisters. It's a bit grim.

Yeah of course you don't own them, yadda yadda, what everyone else said.

But it's still weird. Plenty of other people available for them to date ffs.

I have 4 sisters. The idea of getting naked with anyone they had been with fills me with disgust.

As you have children with him, yes it would be very innapropriate of them to get together. I would be fuming if I were you.

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 50 years, it’s about in the people involved. Dating the OP’s sister after many years of being intimate with her regardless of no feelings between the two of them now, is hurtful. The op has said she’s cried to her sister about the relationship she had and lost with this man, she has shared vulnerable moments about him and them. Yes those moments have long passed, but they still make up for the op’s lives experience. If it was just a fling between the op and this man I’d be more on the fence, but the entirety of her 20s was about her and him. It’s at the very least weird to move on to her sister.

Lol. Don't be daft.