Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Would you find this weird or am I being selfish?

145 replies

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 10:40

If you had an ex-boyfriend who you still thought fondly of, keep in touch with occasionally - (milestone birthdays, birth of respective children, death of parents etc) as he’s still friends with my brothers so I know some of what is going on in his life - no romantic feelings left on either side, but together on and off for over 12 years from ages 18-30 (now both in our 40’s so not been together for more than 10 years) lots of shared history but just naturally grew apart, how would you feel if you found out there was a chance he and your sister have been dating? Nothing confirmed as yet as part of me doesn’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, and maybe, because he was part of the family for so long they’re just hanging out as friends/a brotherly relationship.

YABU - they’re both single, you’re no longer together, why shouldn’t they be together and have a chance of happiness?

YANBU - that’s a bit icky, there’s plenty of other people out there to date.

OP posts:

BrendaSmall · 30/01/2025 12:43

It’s been over 10 years since you were last with each other, as weird as what it is, It wouldn’t bother me after all the years, it’s not like you’ve recently broke up

BobbyBiscuits · 30/01/2025 12:44

If you know he's a nice guy, he's mates with your brothers, presumably that's better than her just bringing a random she met at the petrol station into the equation? I'd probably be happy for them. It's not like you still fancy him or he was an abuser. So I'd say just embrace it. It may not come to much but I certainly wouldn't worry.

Auldlang · 30/01/2025 12:45

MagpiePi · 30/01/2025 10:44

YABU. You don't own either of them and can't dictate who they see or find attractive.

But it would still feel a bit weird

She didn't ask if she could stop them, she asked if it was weird, which you agree it is, so why say YABU?

BlueMum16 · 30/01/2025 12:47

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 12:05

Exactly this. He’s such a huge part of my past, my youth, my formative years. We lost our virginity to each other, went travelling together, shared hopes and dreams for the future together. I probably bitched about my sister to him! 🤣. I have absolutely no desire to be with this man, but he still holds a special place in my heart.

Show quote history

Sadly he is free to date whoever he chooses. It complicates things as he's your brother's friends, if it wasn't form that I'm sure your contact would have dropped over time.

It would be my sister I would be directing the issue at.

I would expect some family loyalty that my sister wouldn't want a relationship with someone I have been seriously involved with for so long. He wasn't a quick shag or holiday romance. He was someone you and your family thought you had a future with.

Your sister should do better.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 30/01/2025 12:48

I would not be happy, not if I'd been engaged to him at one point. Very icky.

Greyish2025 · 30/01/2025 12:48

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 12:10

Yes, my husband is one of the people IRL who finds it weird and also understands why I might find it weird.

Show quote history

I would find it weird, have you spoken to her about it or are you still unsure that there is anything going on between them?

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/01/2025 12:49

I think it’s odd. However, meeting someone in your 40’s is tough and if he’s a decent man, then I can see why she’s interested, and vice versa - no explaining each other’s personal histories.
However, it’s still unpleasant for you. He is a very important part of your youth, you will have experienced many firsts together.
You also don’t really want to hear about any issues they may have as time goes on. Christmas dinners might get a bit awkward as well.
Just give it time. It might not last long, and even if it gets serious, I am sure you will adjust as time goes by.
I actually feel a bit sad for your sister in a way, as she will know that you have a very deep connection even if it was a past one.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2025 12:52

MissDoubleU · 30/01/2025 11:11

You are equally valid in feeling however you feel in it, as they are valid to explore their connection. It’s not ideal and I’d hope they’d be sensitive to you regarding it. I know I wouldn’t like it.

I agree.
You broke up several times during the relationship for long periods and there must have been a reason for that, so could it be that you look back on it with rose coloured specs?
If you've got a good relationship with your sister, why not ask her? I can understand in a way, not wanting to have it confirmed, but surely its worse to keep wondering. Perhaps if its all out in the open, some of the awkwardness will arise at first but maybe it will fade.

Sparkletastic · 30/01/2025 12:57

Simplynotsimple · 30/01/2025 11:38

No it’s horrible, and a head fuck to be honest. A guy a dated at university met my sister after we broke up (but being young and silly still messed around occasionally). He made it clear he would make a pass if he thought she was interested, it made me feel so small. As siblings you get compared your whole life, growing up means having some things/experiences wholly to yourself. Sharing an ex partner who has known you in the most intimate way with a family member you have to face constantly? It’s a huge disrespect from both parties in my opinion.

Spot on

thesoundofwildgeese · 30/01/2025 12:58

BeLilacSloth · 30/01/2025 11:47

As you have children with him, yes it would be very innapropriate of them to get together. I would be fuming if I were you.

OP did not say she has children with her ex. Where did you get that from?

Smokesandeats · 30/01/2025 13:00

I agree that it’s a bit weird and completely understandable why it’s uncomfortable for you. It would be very different if you’d just dated briefly, but this is your ex fiancé!

Rocksaltrita · 30/01/2025 13:03

I’d find it very weird but hard to pull them up on it as technically they haven’t done anything wrong. Still odd to me tho!

BeLilacSloth · 30/01/2025 13:11

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 11:49

She does not have children with him. She just still fancies him, or something else is going on.

Show quote history

Sorry I think i’ve got the wrong end of the stick here

BeLilacSloth · 30/01/2025 13:12

thesoundofwildgeese · 30/01/2025 12:58

OP did not say she has children with her ex. Where did you get that from?

Show quote history

Got the wrong end of the stick, I thought birth of respective children meant they had kids together

Original poster

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 13:23

🤔 did I actually state I felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago, or are you making things up to suit your narrative?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 13:27

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 12:16

This has been circling around in my head for the last ten minutes, getting ready to go out, and I know I said I was going and I really am now 😋

The OP is not feeling "weird" she is feeling jealous.

She still considers her ex to be "her" ex.

She likes the idea that he still carries a small flame for her, that she was the biggest love of his life, and that she can safely have an intimate relationship with another man who still fancies and loves her, while never actually cheating on her husband.

Now, that intimate relationship will stop. Her sister will replace her in his affections. She will possibly be unfavourably compared to her sister who will usurp her in his affections, and she still holds a little torch for him.

She also stated she felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago.

Most things are just as simple as they seem to be, it's not difficult or complicated at all. It's just old fashioned jealousy. Nothing to be ashamed of, really, but definitely will cause the OP problems if she can't move on.

🤔 did I actually state I felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago, or are you making things up to suit your narrative?

OP posts:

Truth25 · 30/01/2025 13:33

I would be extremely upset more at your sister. She owes you the loyalty. I would let her know that too.

burnoutbabe · 30/01/2025 13:40

ItGhoul · 30/01/2025 11:55

I'd certainly find it odd and uncomfortable. I'd accept that they were absolutely entitled to date and I wouldn't try to stop them. I'd accept that I had to live with it and I wouldn't make things difficult for them.

But I'd certainly find it strange and awkward and I wouldn't enjoy the dynamic.

Yes.

I'd find it awkward when all together if I had slept with my brother in law (even if years ago). Any slightly risqué comment made towards them I'd be on edge for a "did he do that with you" -or everyone avoiding anything towards that area as you know he snores /farts a lot etc. All very awkward.

CandidRaven · 30/01/2025 13:54

I couldn't imagine having a relationship with my sisters ex, that just seems like an unspoken rule to me that you don't go there and seems like it would be awkward and would likely affect the relationship between the sisters

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 14:26

@Simplynotsimple

Really stung huh? You're being over dramatic again.

As stated, very calmly and in a straightforward and totally undramatic manner, the OP is just jealous. That's it. Not difficult. Very obvious.

No need to be super dramatic about it.

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 14:30

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 13:27

🤔 did I actually state I felt upset at the idea that they secretly fancied each other all those years ago, or are you making things up to suit your narrative?

Show quote history

"Just feels horrible to now wonder whether they secretly fancied each other for all of those years. 😬"

You're right, feels horrible is far worse than upset.

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2025 14:32

I think ewww unless you stayed virgins all those years together he has literally been there and with your sister too yuck 🤮 I don't think too hard about the former sexual antics of my partner but the knowledge that he had been with my sister would put me so far off I would still be running

Simplynotsimple · 30/01/2025 14:37

meh2025 · 30/01/2025 14:26

@Simplynotsimple

Really stung huh? You're being over dramatic again.

As stated, very calmly and in a straightforward and totally undramatic manner, the OP is just jealous. That's it. Not difficult. Very obvious.

No need to be super dramatic about it.

Edited

But she’s not jealous, she feels weirded out by it which is perfectly valid considering the circumstances. Are you having difficulty comprehending the op or are you trying to make up a whole other story for reasons unknown? If the op was jealous of her ex, surely she’d have been so when he evidently had a relationship that produced a child post their split…

Original poster

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 14:47

burnoutbabe · 30/01/2025 13:40

Yes.

Show quote history

Exactly this. I feel like asking my sister, does he still do that thing with his tongue that used to make my toes curl?! 🤣 (obviously I wouldn’t!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2025 14:48

CandidRaven · 30/01/2025 13:54

That’s how I feel - like it’s some kind of unwritten rule - friends and family, exes are off limits.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6