What’s wrong with my husband?

[Kakesy]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

Does it really matter? Ultimately you're not happy for whatever reason, when you've tried to resolve this, he gets defensive and isn't willing to do anything to change.

He's been like this since the beginning of the relationship. Your mistake was thinking he'd change. He's not going to change so stop wasting your time analysing him and decide if you want to be celibate for the foreseeable.

Only he can answer your questions but he may not be able to understand himself fully.

Is it possible that he watched porn and went to the stripclub because that’s what “stereotypical men” do and he was going through the motions and masking ?

Would he go to the GP and get some bloods done or something to rule out a physical cause? If he can’t get hard, would he consider using viagra or something ?

Since he’s always had a low libido, maybe this is something that he doesn’t want to fix and he’s not bothered about exploring why.

You say you've ruled out low libido and low sex drive - that's exactly what it is

I will consider your answer. I thought that because he watches porn frequently and goes to strip clubs, his libido and sex drive were great.

He has always refused to see a doctor to check his libido and has always said he doesn’t have low libido. However, I will ask him again to go to the doctor, so I can be sure.

Could he be gay

He won’t share anything with me! I have tried so many times. He always says he is tired and that sex is not a priority for him…

I will def try (again) to get him to see the doctor. Although he claims his libido is fine!

thank you!

I have started questioning myself the same…

I once went through his phone and saw a gay porn on the web history, but it was only one, so I thought it wasn’t a big deal since porn users always want more and more, right? Idk…

In your opinion, would it be weird for a guy to enjoy anal plug on himself?

Years of wanking to porn means he can no longer get aroused by a "normal"/ flesh and blood woman.

This ^

And he's probably still secretly watching porn and has porn-induced erectile disfunction.

Ask him to see his GP about testosterone, or he can buy it from Numann. If that doesn't work then or he says no, then there's something else going on.

Umm do strippers usually give lovebites? I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe that.

I can't really add too much that hasn't already been said.

If sex is that important to you, and you've talked to him about it, tried to get him to seek help, asked for more effort, stop watching porn, but he won't do any of those things, I'm not sure there's much you can do. Maybe you're just not sexually compatible and you'll be happier with a different partner.

I believe it's mostly gay men who use butt plugs as they use them to stretch the anus in order to make sex more comfortable. I'm sure plenty of straight men have tried it though!

Yeah, strippers DO NOT give love bites. He's either still watching porn, or possibly gay. Either way, you aren't happy in the relationship so might be time to end things.

What’s your opinion regarding the love bite? Many people have told me the same as you, that they highly doubt it was from a stripper. That’s s why I can’t trust him when he says he might have a low libido, because a person with low libido wouldn’t do all the things (wrong things) he’s done, right?

I really don’t know much about strip clubs, but I’ve heard that some clubs aren’t that strict. He was abroad when he got the love bite, so maybe he felt free to do a lot more. Anyway.. I have already forgiven him.

What makes me sad is that I’m the one trying to find solutions for his problems, which I don’t even know what they are. It’s like he doesn’t care about me or our relationship. Even though we have a very good relationship and he is very, very nice to me, but when it comes to sex, he is reluctant. It’s like he gets embarrassed or is hiding something, and he doesn’t do the things I ask (like going to the doctor) because he knows that’s not the real problem.

I also wonder if the problem is really sex incompatibility… it doesn’t t seem to be that. Bc I feel somehow he like sex as much as me.

Once, I had an anal plug ready to use on me, but he asked me to use it on him. I thought it was just a fetish, and I still think that…

I love him very much, I just would like him to open up to me

our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!!

Things aren't lining up here.

Are strip clubs that strict?? Even during a vip lap dance?

My friends have the theory that he slept with someone because a love bite is something very passionate. When this happened, he and his friends traveled to Spain and rented a for-story house just for them. I can’t even imagine where this hickey came from or who it was from.

Thank you for your answer.

Plenty of straight men like anal play on themselves, that doesn't automatically equate to gay, no.

But claiming his sex drive is fine, but substitutes porn for real sex with you, goes to strip clubs and tells lies about getting love bites from lapdancers... that does very much suggest he is hiding something from you, yes.

You can't (and shouldn't) coerce your spouse into having sex. Nor do you get to declare him to have a problem because he doesn't want sex as often as you.

But you can decide whether your needs are being met in the marriage and if you're willing to stay in it as is, or if you're only willing to do so if he agrees to couples counseling to talk through the issue.

Exactly!

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying that he is tired is not true. Saying that he needs days to disconnect from work and be able to think about sex is not true either. We only argue for the lack of sex, and the lack of sex affects
my humor, my confidence etc. So there are days when I am not at my best. The first two years I never complained about the lack of sex and it was already very bad (as always). We have had many fights over the lack of sex and his lack of responsibility in fixing it, so yeah, maybe the relationship hasn’t been that good in the past few months, but for obvious reasons…

I’m not forcing him to have sex with me. I question why he doesn’t have sex with me while he watches porn and visits strip clubs, it’s kind of ironic, right?

He’s not open to therapy, but it’s something I’m going to try again.

What do you thinking a doctor can do for him?

The relationship isn't good.

He's saying the relationship isn't good. He's refusing to talk about an issue that's important to you. You don't trust him. You're not even together right now.

Stop trying to tell yourself everything is fine in your relationship except for the sex. If you want to get back together then tell him you'll only do so if you go to counseling - not to "fix" his lack of desire for sex but to address the deeper issues in your relationship. Otherwise you'll have to decide whether to walk away.

Thank you!!

Do you think that testo can help with ED caused by use of porn?

I just wanna him to get his testo checked

I really take your answer into consideration.

I will suggest to him that we do therapy.

You are not sexually compatible with this man, it really is as simple as that. Going down a rabbit hole in an effort to fixing him, doesn’t change that fact.

You need to accept the person he is, instead of clinging to the person you want him to be.

You have a bigger issue here, and it is not about sex. It is his unwillingness to communicate with you and be in a team with you. One person cannot on their own fix a relationship issue. If he can't or won't engage with your concerns you are on your own with them, and sorry to say, this means you essentially don't have a relationship.