What’s wrong with my husband?

[Kakesy]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

Do you have children together?

The bottom line is that he is not sexually attracted to you and he is unwilling to address that. If a sexless marriage is not what you want, there’s nowhere else to go from there except for out the door. You deserve better.

You're 28?! Lady what are you doing. You've tried, it's not working he doesn't want it to work. Cut your losses and go have great sex free of this man.

I also wondered about the closeness of the relationship between him and the male friends he went away with. Is he also in his 20s? I'm still going with...he's gay. In which case, you will never be what he wants.

I would take control of the situation and then the relationship. I would feel much worse if he ended it.

He's not being honest with you so you will never find out what's actually going on. My suspicion would be that he is gay particularly after the porn you found. However it's incredibly unlikely he's ever going to tell you so I wouldn't hang around for that.

You are so young. End it now before you're driven absolutely crazy by him.

Why would he do that?

You've only been together four years, and he's been like this since the beginning. Why on earth did you marry him? Did you think you'd change him? I would have ditched him as soon as I found out about the strip clubs and lap dances. The love bite and him preferring porn to having sex would have been further huge nails in the coffin.

If he's never been in to having sex with you from the start then you're not going to fix him. Either accept that this is your life now, or leave and find someone who is into intimacy and sex, only don't marry them until you find you're compatible in all areas, not just the bedroom. You're still young OP, don't waste your life being miserable.

What is this incessant desire for non-stop knobbing? Your pattern is that of a typical English upper class family in the 1920s - you are happy together, yet your sex drives don't match. Don't lose a good person (very difficult to find) and find fulfilment on the side, discreetly. Just make sure the first-born is your husband's. I am not being facetious, I am drawing on the vast and rich English literature of the 1920s. They seemed to be genuinely happy in those days.

Some people stay in relationships because they are can’t be arsed to end it, it’s become a habit to them and they dislike change. You’re 28 years old and deserve happiness, do what’s right for you, he might be lazy and need someone else before moving on. Don’t put yourself through more of the same soul destroying rejection in this relationship, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s not you it’s him! Don’t wait for him to agree that you need to separate and just say it’s not working for you and leave before either of you meets someone else and it becomes messy.

This.
Both need to be committed to resolving issues through therapy and staying together.

😭 thank you so much!!!!

He is 36… it makes a lot of sense…

Another thing is that we never hang out with his best friend. We’ve never been invited to his house. His best friend is married and has two kids, but we’ve never seen their faces. We weren’t invited to his wedding or to anything else. They only spend time together at work, and that’s it. So weird.

the best friend’s wife doesn’t like my husband and my husband doesn’t like her

Bingo.

The lovebite - no stripper does that, he cheated on you - possibly with a man.

I don't think he has ED from watching porn.

I think he is either gay or having sex with someone else. Either way he is not being open with you. He is unwilling to discuss with you which says to me its something other than he just doesn't want sex, he gets defensive.

You cannot fix a man who will not accept there is a problem, or does not want to “fix” the things about himself you find incompatible

Bottom line is, he isn’t willing to change. He’s demonstrated that all the time you’ve been together. He has been this way since the beginning. If you stay in this relationship you will continue to feel frustrated and rejected. Your self esteem will only get worse and you certainly won’t get any happier.

He isn’t willing to even talk about your feelings on the matter, let alone to attempt to mend things or be truly honest with you. Get out while you still have some dignity.

I feel confused and anxious just reading about this, I can’t imagine how you must feel OP. He says he wants his life with you but at the same time the relationship is ‘not good’ . It’s very confusing. If the relationship was good you would be able to have a transparent conversation, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, and come to some sort of resolution. Instead he is closed up and defensive. It’s not a good relationship, and that’s not only about the sex.

There is too much complexity and dysfunction here for a relationship of just 4 years in your 20s. The fact he won’t communicate and work on this issue jointly with you is a massive problem. I think it would be wise to end things, you are still young and can meet someone who desires you and who you are more compatible with.

I read your OP and thought you were both in your 50s. You are only 28, don’t drop anchor here.

Did you get engaged/married fairly quickly OP?

Yes, unfortunately. We got married less than a year after we met.

But why are you outsourcing all the responsibility to him? You are also not happy, so take the steps to change it. Don't wait for him to step up.
My partner would have never ended the relationship had I not forced the issue. Despite clear lack of attraction and desire to do things as a couple, he was quite comfortable having love, affection and a clean house to come back to. I wasn't.

Op loads of men don't like to be the 'bad guy' who ends it so they piss their partners off so much that they do the 'ending'.
In this situation I would be off and I wouldn't care what anyone thinks at this stage, time to put yourself first.

Thank you!!! I will

Yes. I suspect this may be it.

I also thought you were in your 50’s, not under bloody 30. Write this off as a bad first marriage and start again. You’re far, far too young to be settling for a sexless relationship. I was divorced before I was 30 and it was the best bloody thing I’ve ever done. I’m in a much better place now than I could have ever imagined for myself back then.

No matter how you think you feel about this man, he’s showing you how he feels about you. He can’t respect you enough to care. He can’t be faithful to you. Get out and love yourself girl. You’ll be happier and far more satisfied than you are here, waiting and begging for scraps from a man who won’t give you any.

So good to read something like this!! Happy for you, and thank you for the kind words

I will also add, I had very high suspicions my first husband could be gay or have some sexual dysfunction. He would actually demand regular (unsatisfying for me) sex, I’ve just never met a man who disliked vagina quite so much, but there we go. I will say I still don’t have any answer to why he was the way he was and I likely never will. I’ve had to make my peace with that and it’s highly likely you will too.

It shouldn’t be about why he is that way. Low testosterone, closeted sexuality, hidden fetish, it quite literally does not matter the reason. He isn’t interested in being open, discovering the truth, or changing. He isn’t interested in listening or caring how his ways affect you. He isn’t going to suddenly change and he has no interest in trying. That should be enough.

I thought you might have been OP, I'm so sorry.

But a 32 year old man marries a 24 year old and he's not jumping her bones at every opportunity? I'm sorry honey I think he's gay and you've been duped into a lavender marriage.

There's only a few reasons men go for much younger women and marry them quickly.

Control, sex, and as a good cover story.