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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s wrong with my husband?

114 replies

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 01:58

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

OP posts:
Moonmelodies · 30/01/2025 07:00

I thought people were allowed to decline sex for any or no reason nowadays. Perhaps he just doesn't enjoy it that much.

Velvian · 30/01/2025 07:02

I think if you do want to continue the relationship, you will need to accept no sex at all. He has made it clear that he does not want to have sex. He may be having sex elsewhere.

He is not prepared to be honest about it. You are making both of you miserable by pushing it when he doesn't want it. Sexual coercion is never going to seduce someone. Don't try to initiate sex with him.

User7288339 · 30/01/2025 07:03

Does he want to be in the relationship? Sounds like he’s literally telling you he thinks the relationship isn’t good.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:07

ElvenPowers · 30/01/2025 06:51

What @Pigwodgeon said.

In my experience it is very rare for a man (or indeed a woman) to have done one or two sexual things outside the marriage, such as going to a stripper and cheating at least once (love bite). Most would have started that way but likely built up to a solid and calm second life of various affairs.

The reason is not usually that they have terribly unusual kinks or erectile dysfunction at home, but that for some reason they feel unable to be sufficiently intimate to bring their desire, their whole self, and be turned on by sex in their primary relationship.

Usually this is because of something like a mild attachment issue where they fear getting really close. Or that in a long term relationship they don't have great sexual compatibility and cannot overcome it with intimacy. Or just because the relationship isn't amazing overall, and they don't have the comms tools to sort it out, aren't brave enough to leave, and so it impacts how much they fancy their wife.

A lot of women stay in relationships of that kind too, but I have seen a lot of men basically make their peace with having their love and support at home and outsourcing sex discreetly, almost entirely so they don't have to confront any relationship issues.

But this is a sidebar really for the OP. She just needs to leave the guy because he won't talk about anything and doesn't want to sort it out.

This is very sad. And it’s such a cowardly thing to do. Unfortunately, as you said, many people live like this.

Thank you for your comment. My husband really hasn’t been making an effort, I forgave a betrayal, and it wasn’t t even worth it. It’s s only ruining my self-esteem more and more each day. But I’ve been strengthening myself and preparing, little by little, for the end. In my mind, nothing makes much sense. Because he is affectionate every day, says he wants to spend his life by my side, that he wouldn’t know how to live without me…If he’s unhappy, he could have ended it, but apparently, he’s not the type of man who does that… idk. Time will resolve everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:10

User7288339 · 30/01/2025 07:03

Does he want to be in the relationship? Sounds like he’s literally telling you he thinks the relationship isn’t good.

He says that he never thinks of ending the relationship as an option, if he is saying the truth I don’t know …

OP posts:
IVbumble · 30/01/2025 07:15

Have you asked him if he thinks he is gay?

SpryCat · 30/01/2025 07:15

Whether he is asexual or not interested in sex with partner for whatever reason Op has not been happy with the lack of sex. Of course you can decline sex @Moonmelodies but for the OP lack of sex is making her feel rejected and unloved. When she brings it up the subject is shot down with resentment and the bottom line is they, for whatever reason are not compatible.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:17

SpryCat · 30/01/2025 07:15

Whether he is asexual or not interested in sex with partner for whatever reason Op has not been happy with the lack of sex. Of course you can decline sex @Moonmelodies but for the OP lack of sex is making her feel rejected and unloved. When she brings it up the subject is shot down with resentment and the bottom line is they, for whatever reason are not compatible.

Edited

Thank you so much for explaining it! Thats exactly what’s going on.

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 30/01/2025 07:18

I think you're going to have to just accept that you're not a match, sexually or otherwise. He can pay lip service all about wanting to spend his life with you but it's just words isn't it - because he knows how important intimacy is for you and he's doing nothing to even attempt to improve himself for you.

Tbh, to me it sounds like he may be gay but perhaps hasn't accepted that himself.

Nina1013 · 30/01/2025 07:19

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 06:19

I consider and respect your opinion. Of course, he has the right to be tired or simply not in the mood, just like I do. I respect and understand the moments when he doesn’t want to and is tired for example.

The problem is that the frequency with which he is tired is very high. For example, he spends six hours playing golf on a saturday, but for that, he’s not too tired. When we went to Italy for the first time, he was also tired (which means no sex). When we visited Sweden, he was also tired or too drunk. When we spend a weekend away at a hotel, he’s also tired. When we went on a cruise, same thing.

I ask myself, how can he be so tired all the time? I have feelings too. I will try to talk to him again and listen to him more carefully regarding our relationship.

Show quote history

But he isn’t too tired. He just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

You aren’t hearing it because you don’t want to.

He has told you he doesn’t want to. He’s told you it’s because the relationship isn’t good. You then insist this isn’t true and the relationship is good (when it’s clearly not),

He doesn’t want you and you don’t want to accept that.

For what it’s worth, I also think he’s gay.

Matronic6 · 30/01/2025 07:23

Regardless of what is 'wrong' with him, you aren't in a happy relationship. He has proved he is unwilling to address the situation. He doesn't even want to attempt to fix it. Surely that tells you all you need to know about the situation?

I actually think the problem is unfixable as he's gay.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:25

Nina1013 · 30/01/2025 07:19

But he isn’t too tired. He just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

You aren’t hearing it because you don’t want to.

He has told you he doesn’t want to. He’s told you it’s because the relationship isn’t good. You then insist this isn’t true and the relationship is good (when it’s clearly not),

He doesn’t want you and you don’t want to accept that.

For what it’s worth, I also think he’s gay.

Show quote history

Yes, it took me a long time to realize that, because I believed the other excuses he used to tell me.

Thank you for your opinion.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 30/01/2025 07:26

Your relationship is not working for you whether or not he feels comfortable staying, you need to end and pursue your own happiness and desires before it destroys your confidence and self esteem.

Catza · 30/01/2025 07:28

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 03:56

Exactly!

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying that he is tired is not true. Saying that he needs days to disconnect from work and be able to think about sex is not true either. We only argue for the lack of sex, and the lack of sex affects
my humor, my confidence etc. So there are days when I am not at my best. The first two years I never complained about the lack of sex and it was already very bad (as always). We have had many fights over the lack of sex and his lack of responsibility in fixing it, so yeah, maybe the relationship hasn’t been that good in the past few months, but for obvious reasons…

Show quote history

Sorry but I call bullshit. Your relationship is not good, he told you that. You can't turn around and say it is not true because it is for him. He doesn't fancy you, he probably doesn't really want to be in a relationship. You do, but that is neither here nor there because the relationship is not unilateral.
I went through something similar and while I love my partner, I decided it was time for both of us to go separate ways. Of course you can live without him. You are not going to suddenly run out of oxygen if he is no longer in your life. It may feel like that for a month or two bit then you will start remembering all the ways in which the relationship wasn't working and I guarantee you it's not just sex. So stop trying to find a solution to the problem that doesn't exist. The relationship is not working. Let it go.

kaos2 · 30/01/2025 07:31

Sounds like he just doesn't fancy you that much tbh .

How long have you been together ? Have you changed physically?

Not that any of that is your fault but I doubt he is gay

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:32

Catza · 30/01/2025 07:28

Sorry but I call bullshit. Your relationship is not good, he told you that. You can't turn around and say it is not true because it is for him. He doesn't fancy you, he probably doesn't really want to be in a relationship. You do, but that is neither here nor there because the relationship is not unilateral.
I went through something similar and while I love my partner, I decided it was time for both of us to go separate ways. Of course you can live without him. You are not going to suddenly run out of oxygen if he is no longer in your life. It may feel like that for a month or two bit then you will start remembering all the ways in which the relationship wasn't working and I guarantee you it's not just sex. So stop trying to find a solution to the problem that doesn't exist. The relationship is not working. Let it go.

Show quote history

Thanks for your opinion. I agree but I’m not forcing him to stay in the relationship. If he’s not happy, then he should end it. He’s not a child, so he shouldn’t be such a coward

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:34

kaos2 · 30/01/2025 07:31

Sounds like he just doesn't fancy you that much tbh .

How long have you been together ? Have you changed physically?

Not that any of that is your fault but I doubt he is gay

I have a very nice body, I am 28yo and workout everyday. He doesn’t even step in the gym.

we have been together for 4 years

OP posts:
Frostine · 30/01/2025 07:35

How close is his relationship with the friend he went away with ?

Azandme · 30/01/2025 07:35

You posted this exact OP before.

Bluepenguin2 · 30/01/2025 07:35

I don't really understand why you're so keen to stay with a man who, to put it bluntly, has no interest in you, and also uses porn, goes to strip clubs and has clearly cheated on you. I would suggest you use this time of separation less to dwell on the issue of sex, and more to think clearly about what you actually want from a relationship. It doesn't sound to me like this is it, although I absolutely understand how hard it is to make that decision. Good luck to you.

myplace · 30/01/2025 07:37

He is happy, he doesn’t need to end the relationship. He is getting what he needs, he doesn’t have a problem.

You are unhappy, you are not getting what you need, you have a problem. You need to end the relationship.

Stop blaming him. Do what you need to do.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:40

Frostine · 30/01/2025 07:35

How close is his relationship with the friend he went away with ?

He went away with 4 guys and one of them is his childhood best friend, they also work together

OP posts:
Wowser01 · 30/01/2025 07:40

You’re only 28? I’m shocked at that as I assumed you were much older with all the issues you have. I think you are wasting your time with this man. It seems like you have tried to work out what the ‘problem’ is more than him and that in itself is causing more issues.

You could find a new man tomorrow who would love sex with you.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 07:41

Wowser01 · 30/01/2025 07:40

You’re only 28? I’m shocked at that as I assumed you were much older with all the issues you have. I think you are wasting your time with this man. It seems like you have tried to work out what the ‘problem’ is more than him and that in itself is causing more issues.

You could find a new man tomorrow who would love sex with you.

Yes I am.

thank you very much for your words!!!

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 30/01/2025 07:41

Fgs he's not gay, asexual etc

Most men like to be in control. Nasty ones will find out what pushes your buttons and use that to have power over you. He gets his sexual requirements net elsewhere but also gets off on keeping you on a string.

There is an obvious solution.

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