What’s wrong with my husband?

[Kakesy]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

Well I'm more likely to believe a stripper did it if he was abroad. I think strippers in some European countries may be more likely to go further than strippers in the UK. Maybe that's just an unconscious bias I have?! If my husband came home with a hickey, I would never, ever believe he didn't cheat.

Because we're not in you DH's head, it's difficult to know what's going on. He may be hiding something but you can't force him to open up to you.

He may be reluctant to see a Dr or talk to someone because I think some men find it embarrassing for some reason. Most women don't find body related stuff as embarrassing as men do.

I really can't imagine he's embarrassed about sex if he asked you to use a plug on him. That's not exactly your standard vanilla!

Is your husband aware that unless he either opens up to you, or seeks help, that the relationship is on rocky ground? IMO, if he loves you and wants the relationship to work, he'll do something about it.

Sadly I fear that for whatever reason (libido, being gay, relationship not right , whatever), ultimately he does not want to have sex with you. In other words, he's just not that into you.
Sounds like time to find someone who knows you're insanely hot and wants to jump your bones regularly. He's not that guy.

Since it happened in another country, I also have this doub’t. Anything could have happened (even though we always think our husbands wouldn’t be capable of that), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We’ve been in this situation for a year now. He went to the doctor, but he didn’t ask for the right test and never went back. It’s really frustrating to see that he’s not making an effort. He says he works too much and doesn’t have time. He knows our relationship is at risk, and since I’ve already given him several suggestions to help and nothing has worked, this time I told him to bring me solutions.

I also believe that if he cares about our relationship, he will find a way! I never judged him or asked him to change you know, I just ask him to be honest so we can find a solution to our differences together.

What I meant is that he feels embarrassed when I complain to him about sex because it makes him feel less of a man…I feel like things only get worse when i bring up the lack of sex

I am not sure about that since things have been the same since the beginning of the relationship, but I wouldn’t rule out that possibility since it could be anything.

He’s gay.

You say besides this your relationship is good, but he says the lack of sex is because your relationship is not good. It sounds like there are issues beyond this in your relationship that you are ignorant of or turning a blind eye to. When he says the relationship is not good do you ask him to explain why?

Neither of you are happy with the situation, you're incompatible.

You could spend your life trying to work out why he behaves the way he does, but unless he wants things to change you're wasting your time I'm afraid. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to persuade someone to want to have sex with you?

If its been this way since the start of the relationship, I'm wondering why you married him? Did you think something would change?

Do not waste your precious, time, life any more with this man. I married someone who would not have sex with me but would comment how hot other women were etc. He was completely reluctant to try and fix the situation but I couldn't cope with my self-esteem being at rock bottom.
After much soul searching I kicked him into touch, it wasn't easy, it was hard and emotional but whatever his problem was I had stopped caring or wanting to fix it because ultimately I knew I couldn't!
Think about the rest of your life there is so much more out there.
I hope for your sake you wake up one morning and realise this. Good luck something better than this angst is out there for you. He will never tell you what's wrong and you do not deserve this.

Blaming our relationship is one of his excuses for the lack of sex and I get very mad bc this is not true. As saying he is tired is not true.

OP, I find this kind of uncomfortable to read. No one should be getting mad with their partner for not wanting sex. Who are you to decide whether or not he's too tired for sex? How can you definitively say that it's not true that your relationship problems aren't related to whether or not he wants to have sex? It sounds like when he tries to give you reasons you are dismissing them and not listening to him because they don't fit with your preconceptions.

I consider and respect your opinion. Of course, he has the right to be tired or simply not in the mood, just like I do. I respect and understand the moments when he doesn’t want to and is tired for example.

The problem is that the frequency with which he is tired is very high. For example, he spends six hours playing golf on a saturday, but for that, he’s not too tired. When we went to Italy for the first time, he was also tired (which means no sex). When we visited Sweden, he was also tired or too drunk. When we spend a weekend away at a hotel, he’s also tired. When we went on a cruise, same thing.

I ask myself, how can he be so tired all the time? I have feelings too. I will try to talk to him again and listen to him more carefully regarding our relationship.

when he went to the strip club he was abroad and drunk, but he was able to think about doing some horny stuff right? But with me, whether he is drunk or not, abroad or not, he just turns around and goes to sleep.

You said that the relationship is currently on a break. How do you feel about making the break permanent? Can you accept that whatever the reason, you and he are not sexually compatible?

If this was posted by a woman whose husband was repeatedly asking her why she doesn't want sex then when she explains the husband says it's not true and that he's "ruled out" all the reasons she gives, people would be calling his behaviour very unreasonable.

I also think he’s gay

I have the same problem and was asking myself the same questions, is he gay, why do I turn him off, etc etc. My husband isn't interested in sex with me anymore but he looks at porn. Like you, we have a loving, affectionate relationship but I get more satisfaction from emptying the dishwasher than I do from sex with my husband. My husband is willing to go to couples therapy but I get the feeling he's only going to appease me and he's not making any effort to change. I feel for you, it's like being rejected and frustrated all at once.

I would maybe just get an STI check

Eww. You should have dumped him after the “stripper” gave him a love bite.

He either paid for sex, or cheated some other way that night, because f what everyone says, they are usually look but don’t touch.

This guy has creep written all over him. And I agree with AnotherDunromin. His porn usage/addiction has caused him to become desensitised to a real woman.

@Kakesy I'm going to be blunt and say something that is not meant to be hurtful. Maybe he does not fancy you? And this doesn't mean you are not hot/pretty/sexy etc, but that something else ticks that box for him? It could be anything! A fetish, kinky, trans, submissive etc etc.. People can be weird!!
If you don't have kids, just walk out. Life is too long to be with someone who is not interested in building true intimacy with you. He is also playing games by not coming forward with his true feelings and desires.

Not meaning to be blunt but the love bite wasn't from the stripper! They wouldn't do that during a lap dance...
I think ultimately you're not happy, he also says the relationship isn't good, so it's time to split.
If he is gau or not, you might never know...or you might find out but what does that change?

The love bite from a stripper may well be true especially if it was abroad, their rules are much more lax than in the uk.
He could be gay definitely, it seems like he doesn't want to leave you as you maybe fulfil some aspects in his life but not when it comes to intimacy. This is wholly unfair on you though. I know you say you love him but maybe love yourself first and go where you are celebrated not merely tolerated.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I hope therapy helps you guys 🫶

I would ask him to leave reading this about his behaviour repulses me, he's weird

What @Pigwodgeon said.

In my experience it is very rare for a man (or indeed a woman) to have done one or two sexual things outside the marriage, such as going to a stripper and cheating at least once (love bite). Most would have started that way but likely built up to a solid and calm second life of various affairs.

The reason is not usually that they have terribly unusual kinks or erectile dysfunction at home, but that for some reason they feel unable to be sufficiently intimate to bring their desire, their whole self, and be turned on by sex in their primary relationship.

Usually this is because of something like a mild attachment issue where they fear getting really close. Or that in a long term relationship they don't have great sexual compatibility and cannot overcome it with intimacy. Or just because the relationship isn't amazing overall, and they don't have the comms tools to sort it out, aren't brave enough to leave, and so it impacts how much they fancy their wife.

A lot of women stay in relationships of that kind too, but I have seen a lot of men basically make their peace with having their love and support at home and outsourcing sex discreetly, almost entirely so they don't have to confront any relationship issues.

But this is a sidebar really for the OP. She just needs to leave the guy because he won't talk about anything and doesn't want to sort it out.

You are not sexually compatible

There could be any reason-
Low sec drive
Uses porn/strippers instead
Pays fir sex
Has affairs /one night stands
Not sexually attracted to you

It doesn't matter why. He doesn't want it to change and you do so for your own sake you need to move on and be with someone who wants you

He is blaming his extinct libido on your relationship because he’s not into you but doesn’t want to initiate breaking up because he’s doesn’t want to be the bad guy/scared to be alone/gay. He has told you in so many words but you’re looking for a solution to fix things because you don’t want to face up to rejection, once you split up for good you won’t feel anymore rejected as you are now. You will be free, learn to be happy single and put your bar higher because the relationship you’re in is destroying your self esteem. Splitting up is the kindest thing you can do for both of you, love yourself enough to let go.