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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s wrong with my husband?

114 replies

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 01:58

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 08:37

MissDoubleU · 30/01/2025 08:28

I will also add, I had very high suspicions my first husband could be gay or have some sexual dysfunction. He would actually demand regular (unsatisfying for me) sex, I’ve just never met a man who disliked vagina quite so much, but there we go. I will say I still don’t have any answer to why he was the way he was and I likely never will. I’ve had to make my peace with that and it’s highly likely you will too.

It shouldn’t be about why he is that way. Low testosterone, closeted sexuality, hidden fetish, it quite literally does not matter the reason. He isn’t interested in being open, discovering the truth, or changing. He isn’t interested in listening or caring how his ways affect you. He isn’t going to suddenly change and he has no interest in trying. That should be enough.

My husband only wants anal sex! 90% of the time.
He's not the type to talk about his fetishes like your ex did, but for some reason, this ends up consuming us, right? It's disturbing.

I spent a long time trying to find the reason, and now I'm going to try to make peace with the fact that I'll never know. I will hold on to the fact that he is not willing to change for the sake of our marriage (which no longer matters due to the circumstances).

It's very sad to know that so many other women have gone through and are going through similar or even worse things, it's like we don't have value in the eyes of men.

I am grateful to have had the chance to share my story with women (who l believe are mostly here) who gave me a lot of strength and opened my eyes so much, when on my own, I would never have managed. 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 08:43

HowToSaveAWife · 30/01/2025 08:35

I thought you might have been OP, I'm so sorry.

But a 32 year old man marries a 24 year old and he's not jumping her bones at every opportunity? I'm sorry honey I think he's gay and you've been duped into a lavender marriage.

There's only a few reasons men go for much younger women and marry them quickly.

Control, sex, and as a good cover story.

Show quote history

You nailed it.

I feel so dumb right now… but living and learning right..

thank you very much 🙏

OP posts:
SpryCat · 30/01/2025 08:45

It sounds like he’s so far in the closet he’s discovered Narnia with your update on his best mate, you’ve never met him or met the wife is very strange especially as the men went on holiday together and he came back with a love bite. Whatever the reason though you Deserve better and to feel desired, it’s ok to walk away and admit the marriage wasn’t working for you.

HowToSaveAWife · 30/01/2025 08:49

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 08:43

You nailed it.

I feel so dumb right now… but living and learning right..

thank you very much 🙏

Show quote history

And I didn't want to ask but coupled with the only wanting anal (which if you're ok with that, good for you, but if you're only doing that for him then please stop. Female sphincters are a lot smaller and anal sex can cause damage) and his best friends wife not liking him and he/you have never seen their kids even though they're best friends? Your husband's best friend's wife is treating your husband like an ex lover of her husband's that she doesn't want to know or acknowledge.

Go gently with yourself. But please leave him.

Original poster
Kakesy · 30/01/2025 09:07

HowToSaveAWife · 30/01/2025 08:49

And I didn't want to ask but coupled with the only wanting anal (which if you're ok with that, good for you, but if you're only doing that for him then please stop. Female sphincters are a lot smaller and anal sex can cause damage) and his best friends wife not liking him and he/you have never seen their kids even though they're best friends? Your husband's best friend's wife is treating your husband like an ex lover of her husband's that she doesn't want to know or acknowledge.

Go gently with yourself. But please leave him.

Show quote history

Noted!!!

Now I wonder if she knows anything about my husband and his best friend. They had such a silly argument (which he says is the reason for their distance). She called him gay because he spoke to her in a funny voice, and he called her fat.

I met his best friend, but we’ve only seen each other a few times.

I will leave him 🙏

OP posts:
Wowser01 · 30/01/2025 09:20

Sorry op it seems obvious now with the best friend relationship, only wanting anal sex, the friend’s wife calling him ‘gay’ and the big problem that he doesn’t want sex with you anyway. Please call it a day and make a new life for yourself.

ScaryGrotbag · 30/01/2025 10:06

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 03:48

Are strip clubs that strict?? Even during a vip lap dance?

My friends have the theory that he slept with someone because a love bite is something very passionate. When this happened, he and his friends traveled to Spain and rented a for-story house just for them. I can’t even imagine where this hickey came from or who it was from.

Thank you for your answer.

Show quote history

Oh yes they are! Well, the majority of them are. Even the ones that aren't, I've NEVER met a lap dancer that gave a customer a love bite. And I've met/known hundreds. Lap dancers DO NOT fancy their customers, they are solely a source of income. Not one of the women I knew would want to suck on some randoms guys neck.

ItGhoul · 30/01/2025 10:44

He did not get a love bite from a stripper, I can tell you that.

He also doesn't have low testosterone or libido issues if he's regularly masturbating to porn. He's not asexual.

Nobody here can know the real reason your partner doesn't want to have sex with you. He could be gay, yes. He could also be straight or bisexual, but still have other sexual hangups or fetishes or whatever that mean he's not aroused by sex within his marriage.

In your opinion, would it be weird for a guy to enjoy anal plug on himself?

No, not weird in isolation. Men are much more likely to get pleasure from something up their arse than women are, because it stimulates the prostate gland. But it probably IS relevant in the context of all the other things you've said, eg the fact that he wants 90% of sex with you to be anal, had a gay porn video on his phone, has an apparently intense relationship with his 'best friend' and came home with a love bite he pretended was from a stripper.

gmgnts · 30/01/2025 11:23

This is so sad. Are you/is he from a culture that disapproves of same-sex relationships? I'm struggling to understand why a young gay guy would want to take on a heterosexual marriage as a cover otherwise. All the best for a happy future, OP. It won't be with your DH, that's for sure.

SpryCat · 30/01/2025 11:31

I know you love him @Kakesy, you’ve been with him four years and it will seem strange at first living without him but sexually even at the start of your relationship it was crap. It’s not like he has gone off you, he is in denial of his sexuality, the person he wants is married with DC and maybe he hoped it would be different with you. You are living together as best friends not a married couple and it’s better to be alone than feeling lonely and unfulfilled in a relationship.

SpryCat · 30/01/2025 11:39

My brother is gay and has always said I’d be shocked at the sheer number of married men who were secretly gay. They preferred to look heterosexual than to live authentically but would happily shag about behind their wife’s back with other men.

Tagyoureit · 30/01/2025 11:53

Please, please realise this relationship is not for you.

He doesn't want to have sex with you.
He doesn't want to talk to you about it.
He blames you when he does speak about it.

It's really hard to admit to yourself when in this situation but this isn't the relationship for you.

How much more of yourself are you prepared to lose to this relationship? Is it worth it?

kattaduck · 30/01/2025 11:54

You got together with him even though you knew that he wasn't that much into you sexually. And now you want to change that and him to break up with you even though you feel much more uncomfortable in the relationship than him.
Sorry OP but you have to take some responsibility here.
Break it of and look for a partner who is into you sexually. And don't try to change someone or cone up with any reasons which are quite frankly irrelevant.

50Almost60 · 30/01/2025 13:18

Kakesy · 30/01/2025 01:58

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He has very little desire for sex. When we travel, for example, it’s extremely rare. In four years, we’ve had sex when away about five times. I would look to the side and he would be already asleep. At home, we have once a month. Once we’ve gone almost six months without it.

I’ve ruled out the following factors: (low libido, low sex drive, fatigue, stress, boredom, and relationship problems). These don’t fit his profile, and our relationship is good—the only argument we have is about the lack of sex.

It has always been this way, since the beginning. I think he might be asexual and not know it.

I would believe more easily that he is asexual if it weren’t for some things from the past that make me very confused. I really need your help because I can’t see things clearly. It’s a huge mystery to me, and he won’t tell me what’s going on or seek a solution (whatever the issue may be).

In the past, my husband went to a strip club at least twice without telling me. He paid for a lap dance once and got a love bite on his neck, which he said was from the stripper. He also used to watch porn and would replace sex with me with it. These things make me very suspicious of what the real issue might be.

What do you think?
Can a man who used to watch porn also be asexual?

We agreed that he would stop watching it, but our sex life didn’t improve.
He said that he has not been feeling horny lately. I asked if he would change and make our sex life better and he said “I am not sure if I can but I will try” I asked why he said that and his answer was “Our relationship is not good”. He keeps blaming the relationship!! It’s just ***!

Last year, while traveling, we went to a bar, and I told him we should go back to the hotel to be intimate. He got mad, stressed, and said I was ruining the night by bringing it up. I felt really sad, cried, and he said he reacted that way because he feels pressured to have sex and has performance anxiety. I don’t know how much I should believe him.

I just need to know what his real issue is. If he’s truly not cheating, not watching porn, and not gay, I think I would stay with him because I love him so much. But I need to know what’s really going on and the mistakes he made in the past is making it very difficult to me to see things through.

We are on a break now but I feel I can’t live without him.
Thanks!

Hi, as someone who has been in a sexless marriage for about 10 years I can relate to your concerns. My story to how I got to this point is much different to yours and involves verbal abuse. After years of being neglected, rejected an feeling lonely and incredibly horny, we finally had sex last week. However I had to initiate it and risk being rejected again. it may have only been one off. I don't know, but he blames me, says I didn't want sex . Anyway I will try to be of some help to you.

Firstly, your husband has to want to seek help and recognise there is a problem between you both, or you are not going to ever get any answers or any sex. You can't make him want to have sex with you either and I get how frustrating that is. Really I do.

I am reading between the lines here, but I wonder if your husband has difficulty with connecting on an emotional level and maybe sex is better avoided. He is reluctant to talk to you about things, and says it's not a priority. Or maybe he has hang ups about his sexual performance? Men like to think they are studs.

For whatever reason he is avoiding sex with you and he doesn't want to have to explain it. It could be incompatibility, and numerous other reason. But if he loves you, he should explain what ever it is that's going on inside his head. Just to put your mind at rest. If he can't then maybe it's time to rethink your marriage or going forward. I should have left years ago but I didn't and not assuming you should. But something is going to give way and in the long run it may get nasty and hurtful. I know how hard it is to ask the person you love to be honest with you. I avoided it for years. I finally asked him last week why he hasn't come near me in years. As I said earlier on, he blamed me, said I wasn't interested. He never even tried. I have a lot to work out too but in the right frame of mind to tackle it now. I really hope you can find a way forward but he has to be open and honest with you for that to happen.

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