To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

[iwishihadknownthis]

But a husband who is at work more then he isn’t; basically because of his work hours I am responsible for getting us up and out in the morning and I am responsible for getting them to bed in the evening.

I know I’m going to get a load of suggestions and that’s not what I’m about. I’m just so worn down with it.

It's better to be with him then alone completely. Children will grow and become independent, so you'll find it alot easier. I was in a similar situation. Now mine are teens and I'm back at work. My husband's going to look for a job with better hours, now I'm earning and contributing to the pot. Things don't stay the same forever, it will change.

I think the problem with waiting that long for some of us in this situation is that any love we felt for our DHs will have long gone by then. I was also concerned about my DC having a bad childhood.

@Hdjdb42 sorry to sound like an arse but I haven’t said or indicated I want to leave. I know things will get easier but in the immediate sort of situation I am dealing with a lot and it’s exhausting and a bit depressing.

I used to think

• if I had a non painful temporary illness that required hospitalisation, I could read a book and get fed
• if I divorced I’d get every other weekend to myself

But as I said upthread, it does get easier and your relationship can and will recover.

@iwishihadknownthis are you able to seek out someone with kids similar ages in the same type of circumstances? I had a friend who was also alone for long periods due to husband working overseas and we honestly kept each other sane. We’d take it in turns to cook tea once a week or so one of us had a cooking break, or just meet up on the weekend to let the kids entertain each other and have a chat.
I also took out membership to a soft play near us so that I could just decide to go whenever I needed to escape.

Ooh @FiddlefigOnTheRoof snap! Honestly it is so relentless when they're little. Good friends do help - they can be hard to find though...

You only have to look at the stats on declining numbers of kids per woman across Europe to see that a lot of us find bits of it hard - trying to be present at work, ensure your dc have good food, a nice home, good experiences, happy memories and that you keep on top of chores and life admin whilst not sleeping well....yeah sign me up!

Not to mention the endless bugs!!!

I work and my partner works full time too. I get how hard it is as well. He's often leaving earlier than our child wakes up and most of the times isn't back before I have to do bedtime, so everything is down to me. It's incredibly tiring and stressful being the default parent.

No tips but writing this in solidarity!

DH works 12 hour shifts and it takes him half hour to get to and from work so he’s often out for 13 hours 3-6 days a week depending on his shift pattern

To give him his due he takes the oldest to school, used to take the middle one to nursery (until he’s decided only mummy can do it) and will do the last night feed for my 3 month old before he goes to bed

But everything in between is left to me, from the evening pick ups, food shopping, house admin and cleaning (it’s the same when I’m working because I work about 1/3 of what he does)

I dread bedtime because my middle one won’t sleep.

Currently hiding upstairs for a minute just to pull myself together a bit because I’m on my own with one child with chickenpox and another having injections today and it’s felt like a long and stressful day (more than normal wrestling the kids into bed anyway)

Also to add when he worked nights we’d actually see him a bit more than now he does the day shift but the evenings have always been the hardest with the kids

🤣 at the idea that being divorced gives you more time off. I get to do all the parenting and all the breadwinning. There is no one else to step in ever, no DH coming home at any point and no second income to rely on. It's all on me all the time. I love my kids but its relentless hard work with no time off, especially with their additional needs.

The best piece of advice I received when I was at your stage is: they don't need a bath every night. That added so much work to my evening but I thought I needed to do it for the "bedtime routine". Nope!

It’s shit for you and more importantly it’s shit for your children to basically not see a parent for 5 days a week. Does their dad not want to be a parent? He can change his work patterns.

@RhaenysRocks Having the evening after bedtime to relax with nursery age DC sounds great but in reality…
Bedtime is 7.30 here. We’re home at 6pm, cook and eat dinner, stick on a load of laundry, bath, books and bed for 7.30pm.
Then it’s clean up after dinner/bath etc, sort clothes/nursery bag for tomorrow, tidy away toys that are scattered from this morning & evening, hang up washed laundry to dry, make packed lunches for tomorrow, have my shower & dry my hair as it makes the morning slightly easier, sort my clothes for the morning, do any ironing that needs done, and any other bits that need done that particular day (today was also fill in “personal details” forms for this term at nursery, reply to 2 party invitations, order the food shop,
By which time it’s time for bed because I’m up at 5am the next day and I have a 4yo who doesn’t like to sleep 😴

@Yourcatisnotsorry That’s not necessarily true though. I couldn’t just change my work patterns. It’s only open certain hours and those are the hours I have to be there. Not everyone has that much flexibility

My ex said " I want a big family"
Before we met I had no plans on having kids.
He seemed like Mr Right so we settled on 5 children!!! 3 of them in 3 years!!!
He was never home, I struggled so much. Had to homeschool all of them through Covid.... I was ready for the loony bin.
I realised, he liked the idea of a wife and children but couldn't cope with the stress it brought in reality. His priorities were work, the gym and footy.
I knew he loved me and the kids but I felt slapped in the face. While he wax out, I was left to cope alone.
I began to understand that I might as well be a single parent. He was only miserable when he came home.
I ended it 2 and half years ago but we are stuck in the marital home.
So he's still acting like a lone wolf and I've been sleeping on the sofa all this time!!

This

I used to think I was like a single parent as he wasn't around much.

Then I became one. There's just no comparison. No time off ever. Ever. No support. Dc with additional needs means you never get any proper sleep. Its soul destroying. You do it all and on half the money which means poverty in many cases. Until you're actually in that situation you can't really appreciate the difference.

Unless a marriage is abusive, stay in it.

Sucks I’ve been there done that and thrown away the T-shirt as a single parent not by choice - husband at time thought his hair was more important !!! It does get easier just stick with it kids grow up too fast

Christ make your mind up, this is pretty simple, either let him work less and take a pay cut and face the sacrifices or put up with it like many others.

If he is actually working and trying to privide for his family then maybe try to understand what he is doing.

Jeeeeezzzzzz (men don't get married it's not worth it)

The evenings with small children are horrific. I never understood it before I became a mum. They're tired, you're tired, you're hungry, they need to sleep, but they don't want to, and really you need to sleep but you have zero time for yourself. It's relentless.

My DH comes home at 5. I genuinely would hate him if he didn't. Or I'd collapse. I don't know. I don't know how you've done it so long.

Just sending you hugs and sympathy.

How do single parents cope then? Do their kids make their own dinner and put themselves to bed if the parents have to be at work?

I'm a single parent with a full time job. When mine were that age and in bed by 7.30 I was sat with a glass of wine by 8.00. I'd sort the kitchen while they had an episode or two of paw patrol after dinner, laundry was mostly weekends (get a drier if possible), mine were up early too so I had plenty of time for a shower in the morning and you don't have to wash your hair every day, ditto ironing. I'm not dissing how people feel and I'm finding the teen years much harder actually but I do think some of the things you've listed are not compulsory or actually onerous. Somewhat lowering standards might help in this area.

Nearly half of single parents (and given that they are almost all women, we should change that to ‘mothers’) live in poverty - 44% according to Gingerbread. The half that aren’t will still have their earning power severely limited unless they are fortunate enough to have extremely supportive family or friends willing to help with childcare or more unusually they earn enough not to be really affected by it.

So in the example you quoted the mother wouldn’t be able to change her hours, she’d have to give up that job and find something lower paid and thus her earning be compromised.

@RhaenysRocks i teach, I have to do some work in the evenings and I have to do some cleaning and housework and it’s much, much easier to do it when the children aren’t under my feet. Some nights yes I decide I just can’t face it but then you actually add to work as things deteriorate to a point where it’s much harder to deal with it.

@iwishihadknownthis . Exactly. Opting out of family life to spend more time at work isn't an option for most single parents. It shouldn't really be an option for those in relationships either.

@iwishihadknownthis I'm a teacher too. (Secondary) I've got v v good at using my frees, setting work that can peer marked and just generally being uber efficient. Housework to me is clean surfaces, a quick wipe round the sink and loo while the kids are playing in the bath and run the hoover round about once a fortnight. Toys got cleared up by them before we went upstairs. I dont dust, disinfect, mop floors, scrub skirting boards or change towels every couple of days. I know you said you don't want suggestions so I'll stop but do have a careful look and what really NEEDS doing and what is a preference.