To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

[iwishihadknownthis]

But a husband who is at work more then he isn’t; basically because of his work hours I am responsible for getting us up and out in the morning and I am responsible for getting them to bed in the evening.

I know I’m going to get a load of suggestions and that’s not what I’m about. I’m just so worn down with it.

Interesting (and valid) point.
Parenting small children must be extremely hard.
No children here and also, most of our parents (generation born in the 80s) didn't seem to bother that much.

They really don’t get it, but I think they sort of do.

It really is so hard when he walks in at half seven and the children have been bathed and read stories too, teeth brushed. Before I became a mum I didn’t know what was so hard about bath time!

Things won’t change, but the children will get older so that is something!

I had similar too. Rules were:

1. Not home by 7pm = no meal. If meal wanted bedtime and story required whilst i cooked.
2. decent lie in either Sat/Sun
3. 4-5 night holiday with friends once a year (which was reciprocated)

This is when I was working much less that DH.

Now that I'm working more I don't cook on my working nights.
Marriages only work if both people are getting something from it.

Yes and as they get older they can brush their own teeth, pjs on, get a beaker of water etc. The landry is still never ending though 🙂.

I love this advice! It can be so hard to not try and be perfect that you end up not enjoying the small things. Lowering unnecessary standards isn’t going to hurt anyone and makes life a little more enjoyable.

I would speak to DH about getting organised at the weekends to try and reduce some of the stress on you during the week. So making his job to do some meal prep, laundry and cleaning.

I also love a Tonies box to help with bedtime and night time wake ups. It’s not foolproof but my kids like listening to the stories as they go to sleep so the majority of the time it keeps bedtime calmer and they put it on if they wake up although if the battery dies they can wake me up which isn’t ideal.

I also have a rewards chart - we have used it sporadically as my youngest wasn’t the easiest to reason with but now she is 4 she likes earning the stars for the treat at the end of the week. We have going to bed calmly as one of their goals and just keep it as simple as that one goal daily for them to meet in order to get maybe to go to the park at the weekend or a special biscuit/sweet from the shop.
Its definitely hard as they change the rules on you as they develop constantly and it feels never ending at the time!!!

Is he actually working these hours, or is there a bit of choice involved where he is "back late" every day? I think the latter causes untold resentment.

4 and 1 is a tough gig at the best of times. Is the money worth it? It does get better.

Are you getting any time to yourself?

Oh OP, I feel you right now. My DH is away for work tonight and I’ve got 3 DC (6, 2 and 8 months). We live abroad so no family support. I feel so depressed tonight, I’ve really really struggled. I’m lying here awake, know that I’ll be waking up at 3am to feed baby, and that I should try and get some sleep. But I’m dreading tomorrow morning when I have to wrangle the baby and toddler, and get the 6-year old fed, dressed in uniform, lunch packed, and to school on time.

My (final!!) mat leave finishes soon, and I have no idea how I’m going to do this while working full-time. I’m just trying not to think about it.

I hear you @iwishihadknownthis 🙌🏻 nursery aged DC. DH works at sea - 4 weeks on/4 weeks off. Sounds amazing having him here for 4 weeks completely off work, but really it just knocks our routine out and then the 4 weeks that he’s away are even harder because those 4 weeks need to be run like a military operation to get everything done.

DC are definitely starting to notice him being gone more than they used to and it causes some really big feelings (which is completely understandable).
I work 3.5 days per week when he’s away and 4.5 when he’s home and we have no wider family support.
Ive also recently been diagnosed chronic health condition which we’re struggling to find the right balance of meds for and unfortunately the main symptoms are extreme fatigue and low moods so it’s really kicking me at the moment.

Getting everyone up and out in the morning, and then doing pick up and the grind of tea/bath/book/bed is the busiest and often worst bit of the day. DH is away for work at the moment and I am solo for a while and it's grim. I see you OP.

That’s really, really hard @Seaside31 . I don’t know how I’d manage

@bathroomadviceneeded I know what you mean … I have the day off tomorrow but actually I’m tired just thinking about it!

You poor things.

I so remember those times in the past. It really does get better as they get a bit older. I hope you get absolutely tons of sleep @iwishihadknownthis . It certainly kept me sane.

Is he actually working these hours, or is there a bit of choice involved where he is "back late" every day? I think the latter causes untold resentment.

This would be my question too. Over my working life I've worked with an awful lot of men who were in early and left late but really did it because it suited them best - they avoided the hard bits of home and weren't under pressure to finish work at a particular time.

Sending sympathy. DP was out of the house 7-7 for years when DC were little. He gradually started doing Fridays at home and by the time DC2 was five, was even doing school drop offs, pick ups and sorting tea for them on a Friday!

I completely get it - I WFH and DH works 10 hour days with an hour commute each way so I get DD up, ready and to childminders and then pick up, do dinner and bath time and he comes in, reads her one book and I’m flat on my backside trying to juggle everything. It’s shit, and it feels good to say it.

Go back full time and put them in nursery?

Yea its shit. I did this for years. Then i ended up hating him and leaving. Much better now, he was pointless and useless.
Being single is actually easier without the other parent.

Ffs can Mumsnet please create an eye roll reaction for these kind of posts please?

And how will that make bedtimes easier?

Less time with them in the day

But the hardest couple of hours is teatime and bedtime after a day at work. Doing that 5 days a week instead of 3 days isn't an improvement

I'd agree with that...a single parent with a village (supportive and competent co parent; involved, local grandparents; paid help) could potentially be easier than being married and having none of those things.

And everyone knows what a single parent is, because there's a term for it....'villageless married parent doing it all' is not a recognised thing... VMPDIA... doesn't work does it 😂

Did he do these hours before kids?

I think he needs to do a half day with the kids every Saturday- basically you don't clock on til after they've finished lunch. Whether that's a lie in, a bath, out for a walk with a friend.

It'll give dh time with the kids abd give you a break.

I know but that’s what they need to address.
It’s not either of the mother’s jobs.

What does he do on his days off?

I think it is, you know

It's the family's job to help out with childcare where they can, and to provide a break where possible

I'm not sure what dh's work situation is, does he have a choice about his job? Can he reduce hours?

He needs to prioritise his marriage and family where possible but that's not gonna solve the child support issue which is that the op needs a break